Pratfall Parade - *

1967, USA, 84 minutes, Black & White

Compiled by Bobby Oldman

Featuring Chubby Hardbasket, The Flagpole Fops, Hoy Hoy Shinsplint, and many more

A monotonous stream of public domain pratfall clips from third tier silent film comedians. Beside material that lacks wit and panache, the viewer is subjected to nonsensical title cards written by compiler Oldman (who rumour has it was really an aging and senile Chubby Hardcastle). “A cheeky be you, monkey mama” after a dog steals a hot dog out of Hardbasket's back pocket (causing him to fall into wet cement). Or “Now never funny now” as The Flagpole Fops foolishly climb as a group to the top of a flimsy flagpole and tip into a lake. “There's more were you look yon lobster”, “I says you good trespass. Away yo please mister”, and “Fall sister all you doing PARADE” are not even worth explaining.

Watch out for – this movie.

Quote – “Teh Ending FIN”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mars Corps - *

Something is fishy up there

1928, Germany, Black & White, 138 minutes

Directed by Klink Longer. Written by F. B. Jaertzer

Starring Stahl Ankler, Maximillion Grech, Greda Alsch

What happens when you load a sci fi/fantasy film with references to current films, celebrities, trends, and products? In eighty years time your film will play about as well as the impenetrable in-joke that is Mars Corp. The story all of these "gags" hang on is about the astronauts of Atlantis who were stranded on Mars when their home sank beneath the waves. With nowhere to land they decided to create a suspiciously peaceful, technologically advanced society. Germany's Mars Corp sees this as an obvious provocation, eyes them up with their superscopes, sees some fancy technology (cars and a cat hospital) which could be turned into an intergalactic rocket if the Martians ever got ideas, and launches a pre-emptive invasion.

The Atlantis Martians, according to the DVD's accompanying three-hour documentary (that was so dull it made me want to punch my eyes out), are based on German silent film stars, their clothes based on historical German fashions, their pets based on German politicians and society figures, and the stores on now defunct German businesses. Fine art direction mixed with a mind-numbing level of product placement may be fine for an issue of Vogue, but as a film it's unbearable.

Watch out for – marskraut, space-strudel, Hanz Marsdromat(?), etc.

Quote – "Hey Hanz, it is much like your family business, but different because people on Mars put the word 'Mars' always in the most foolish locations."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Gaunt Man - *

Henry doesn't like you, and wants you dead

1984, USA/UK, Colour, 128 minutes

Directed by Henry St John. Written by Henry St John, Reggie Wiknit, Hank "Ghastly" Rastly

Starring Peter Holdan, Mercy Jones, Lucy Brown

Or does he? Another stupid mystery thriller that has a great title but doesn't deliver. So far as can be seen the plot involves Henry, a shadowy figure who kills his enemies. Why? It is never explained. All we ever find out is that he constructs elaborate kill sequences that even the most inept investigator could track down. Yet they don't. It is almost like there is a conspiracy of stupid that includes the actors and the production crew in what can only be described as a mystery for jerks who don't much mind being patronised to by fools.

Great line or moment – none

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Face Reader - *

I can read you. You're spelled wrong

1998, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by Frank Skelly. Written by Chad Darkling

Starring Chad Darkling, Allura, The Amazing Kimmy

The movie debut of Las Vegas psychic Chad Darkling is staggeringly imbecilic. Shot in between his performances, it is about his attempts to stop an ancient clan of Super Mages from robbing Pan's Flute Casino where he performs his show. The big dilemma is; what is there for a master of body language to read when he's facing undead, mask-wearing magicians? The answer; instructions for an AK-47. Darklings performance can best be described as “theatrical.”

Watch out for – the random light changes in the outdoor scenes; they would make any Continuity Person's head explode.

Quote – “I'm a master at reading faces, but a skull tells no tales.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Likely Story - *

You will believe it

2002, USA, Colour, 234 minutes

Written and directed by B. P. Lucker

Starring Zilo Pastrada, Bunce I. L. Wey, Samantha Yule, Korina Yule

Hyper realism reached a new low when this film was crapped onto the festival circuit. Pastrada, a highly uninteresting high school student, plays himself as he and his fellow classmates attempt to explain to a teacher why they skipped an afternoon of school. The explanations touch on their family and love lives but the stories match the title and none are of any particular dramatic interest. The main problem: the film was improvised, which doesn’t work when your cast are all infuriating idiots.

Watch out for – the end credits. They do come eventually.

Quote – “My dad likes to drink. A glass of wine every other week. It makes me think that being 21 would be nice because it looks good. He let me have a sip once long ago. It was nice…yeah, nice is the word for it. Didn’t let me have any more, I have wounds now. Internal scars...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Clack - *

Build it. Build it. Play again.

1984, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Directed by Nigel Attenwood. Written by Randy “T-bone” Turner

Starring Cary James, Bobbi Regent, Hans Schemeckler

A weak attempt to dramatise the popular block building arcade game of the early 80's. In the game, players are given the outline of a building, and have to manouver different shaped blocks in the space to build it without any extra bits. The movie is about a firm of architects that take the most extreme jobs on earth; moving blocks around volcanos and on the moon in a similar (and similarly dull) manner to the game. One of their clients turns out to be using one of their old buildings (in the Antarctic) as a world-threatening base of operations. As the only people with knowledge of the site they're sent in to “unbuild” it. Crap action scenes. Nice scenery.

Watch out for – British director Attenwood (defining slumming with this film) in his cameo as an amazed newspaperman.

Quote – “The nuclear warheads I can deal with, it's the wallpaper that really vandalises my design.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Teeth - *

Before you are digested you pass through its TEETH

1981, USA/Honduras, Colour, 73 minutes

Directed by Gary Ploughman. Written by Lance Pitt, Kyle Horscholt, Len DeWitt

Starring Gary Ploughman Lance Pitt, Kyle Horscholt, Len DeWitt

Originally titled Squid! with a script written by romance novelist Bruno Timpani, this film started as another Jaws rip off before the special effects crew spent the entire film’s budget on a hydraulic set of teeth. Unfortunately squid don’t have teeth, and with no hope of being paid, all of the actors and most of the crew quit the film. Director Ploughman and a few members of the lighting team who had nothing else to do rewrote the film. They centered the action on a drunken night time picnic beside an ominous stream, and each played multiple roles rather badly.

Watch out for – A visual encyclopaedia of all the angles a hydraulic set of teeth can be shot from.

Quote – “We’re in the middle of the most dangerous game of snap in history!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Garnisher – *

Mr Paisley don't like you

2001, USA, Colour, 105 minutes

Directed by Jason Adlaison. Written by Chris Van Sioe, Pauline Wood

Starring George Gusz, Chris Van Sioe, Julie Smith

Every society needs stone cold professional killers. The type of people who can strangle anyone without going all emo, who go to only the hottest clubs, who have some sort of inherent style that make them sex magnets. Or so a thousand or so action films have told us. This is just another one of those films, except of course for the name of killer, The Garnisher! The choice of name may suggest desperation, but it actually serves a purpose, in that most viewers stay watching, hoping that the garnisher name will make for an interesting angle, maybe in a kitchen. But it never does, hell, they don't even visit a restaurant for the hotel date scene, what kind of hotel doesn't have a classy restaurant, laden with food/kitchen related humour?

Quote – "I'll garnish you!" - yelled by Act 3's Mr Big as he waves his silver pistol at the "hero".

My reaction – I coined a new term, the "groigger" - a combination of groan and snigger in honour of this film.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Zloti: Fiend From a Million Suns - *

The Worst Tenant in the Universe Just Moved in Next Door

1954, USA, Black & White, 78 minutes

Directed by Derrick Banner. Written by Fyodor Zykvil

Starring Grant Reefly, Norma Zands, Wilson Frederick, Willy Urle

Dull, drab, pathetic sci fi film about a supposed ‘Intergalactic Mega Fiend’ that lives in suns, leaving them dirty and in disrepair when he moves on. He has just moved into his latest residence, our sun. 76 minutes of the plot involves the actors in a cardboard planetarium looking through a backyard telescope and somehow working out what is happening. The final two minutes show a spaceship made from a tin can on a string delivering an eviction order to a man in a yellow jump suit.

Watch out for – Zloti’s ass crack when he climbs out of the sun and runs away.

Quote – “Our sun is no space playboy’s pad.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mayhaps, Adventure - *

Run, fatty. Run!

1922, USA, Black & White, 42 minutes

Directed by Jaime Polotzin. Written by Marshall Oafmin

Starring Porky Carruthers, Lisa Bentley

A less than thrilling silent film about an awkwardly obese police officer (Porky Carruthers, a vaudeville comedian who never caught on in films) trying to enjoy his honeymoon with his unrealistically hot wife. All the while he has to avoid getting into any adventures (on doctor’s orders). The adventures he has to avoid are stock footage from far more exciting films, and he runs away before we get a good look at them.

Watch out for – A young Billy O’Groats playing one of wrestlers at the Luchadore Convention.

Quote – The title card that says “Yikes!” is used about a thousand times.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Tautology – *

Even parallel lines have a twist

2006, UK, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Ellison Wayne. Written by Artie Ore

Starring Mykalah Ash, Chad McCath, Candi Streed

More slop in the direct-to-DVD-psych101-puzzle-torture-pig's trough. In this iteration a mute killer, The Wordsmith, is kidnapping (despite having no arms) people who he's heard using his most despised verbal construct; the tautology. For The Wordsmith cannot speak, thus he is revolted by people rubbing his face in it by saying the same things twice. So he subjects his victims to a series of tautological word games, with a matching gruesome death for those who fail. And thus he makes himself feel better.

Watch out for – the ending which the filmmakers have to, by their own rules, fudge

Quote – "If Romita and Bolero are burned to death in succession one after the other, who should die former, who should die first, who later, and who last so the Bolero may live?"

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderunk

Six Ways to Texas III – *

That Longhorn ain't smiling

1987, USA, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by U Ghant. Written by R Kal Fern

Starring Tommy Bacon, Lucy Garner, Jayden Soont

Before Texas became famous for Bush and illegal immigrants it was known as the home of the fiercest cattle in the world, the Longhorn. Historically they were the foundation of the wealth of Texas, shipped out to the Eastern cities by their millions. Why am I telling you this? Filler.

Filler is necessary when the studio forces an already tired film franchise to come back for one more showing. It isn't necessarily a bad concept – a road trip to Houston that goes terribly wrong when the pickup breaks down in the middle of a cattle drive – but how the hell it can be milked three times defies belief. However the real question is – how much did the local Cattle Rancher's Association sink into this series before they realised film making wasn't really for them?

Anyway. A high school prayer group are heading for the big meet in Houston. It has been a long hard season, but they've beaten the competition and now it's time for state finals. They've beaten the county and tri-county champs (I & II), and it seems like nothing can stop them. Nothing except Satan and a herd of angry cattle. Despite the slightly lame Christian premise this is a solid attempt at frat humour, but with high school kids.

Great moment – When Mr Collins parts the trail drive like the Red Sea then gets pelted with beer cans by the trailhands for blaspheming.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Call Me a Dilettante, Will You? - *

It means nothing from a bunch of ignorant pig dogs

1943, USA, Black & White, 46 minutes

Written and directed by Anonymous (Traynor Willingham)

Starring masked unknowns

This poisonous slander film was made by Traynor Willingham, short fiction writer and flash-in-the-pan novelist, as revenge on the circle of New York literary critics who had savaged his work over the years. The film “starred” these critics (actually out-of-work Broadway actors wearing pig and dog masks) reading their reviews in a faux-retarded manner and simulating a daisy chain around a garbage dumpster. The film was shown at private parties before it was buried due to court proceedings. This has been making the rounds on the bootleg circuit for a few years, but unless there is a renewal of interest in Willinghams rather hysterical prose style, this will remain an oddity.

Watch out for – Willingham’s hand entering the frame at one point, tugging the choke chain of one of the actors who tries to run away.

Quote – “Hiisssth pwose stiiilll isth amacherisssh…” (and so on)

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Back Country Tale – *

The forbidden lies...in the Back Country

1997, USA, Colour, 102 minutes

Directed by Falconi Roberts (he went to directing MTV videos after this)

Actors - they all seem to be called A Smith. Never trust re-released DVDs

For a brief period in the late 1990s, '97 to be precise, it was possible to make some rather strange films funded by Hollywood money. And I don't means strange like seeing a 3-headed cow, I mean strange like Billy, a man who has a criminally needful lust for his of-legal-age sister. Of course this being Hollywood it is dressed up with a proper three act structure that makes this whole visual experience even stranger. The story line is pure dime store disturbo-erotica, but with the kind of production values that only $30 million can bring.

Best moment – well, lets move on.

Best Line – "You know, it is awful cold outside, and the fire is burning REAL bright inside, lets fuck"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Jet Squadron Shooting - *

This film is everything Top Gun promised to deliver but failed

1992, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Captain Jim Block (USAAF ret.)

Written by and starring the 3rd Sqdrn. Nevada Air National Guard, East Las Vegas

Ever seen a film that you thought you could do a better job of and you managed to convince a bunch of friends you really could? Well this is pretty much what happened here with what was described as a "more real Top Gun", sadly it is never as easy as it looks, and while we can all agree this film is more realistic, no one will ever find real time air combat interesting. Not when it involves so many dammed pre flight checks.

Great line – "You know when the fuel monitor beeps twice it is time to return home.” (Actually this isn't as great as I remember, perhaps delivery makes a difference?)

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

I've Got the Trots - *

Try to hold your laughter in!

1986, USA, Colour, 90 minutes

Directed by Carl Manheim. Written by Paulie Oakenfeld, Kyle T. Ghomes, Sal Pilly (script). Lois Nubar (story)

Starring Al Alman, Jolie Manheim, Pinto the Horse, The Hubert Trollings Five

An uneasy mixture of toilet humour and horse racing. A thief steals a Kentucky Derby horse from an Animal Hospital, not aware that it’s in there for severe diarrhoea. The film seems to exist solely due to the terrible pun in the title. There is a limit to how often you can see people being sprayed by a horse’s “bazooka colon”, and this film passes that point in the opening credits. The finale, where the horse uses its rectal rocket boost to win the Derby while coating the other racers in faeces is, frankly, repulsive.

Watch out for – Pornstar Corky Corvette playing a veterinarian - hired as a nod to her famous role in “Barnyard Escapades”.

Quote – “Ever since I stole you I’ve been in the s**t.” (Sorry, but that is the best joke in the film).

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Ferrous Rick – *

He put the “fe” in strife

1978 , US A, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Canter P. Angola. Written by Gordon Kilmeas, Clearance Gunthorpe

Starring Purdel O'Hara, Dorna Emil

To be a modern man is to suffer, and Rick the Iron Worker is no exception. His life is a constant series of humiliations; if its not sand in the face, then its itching powder in his jocks (making for some great visuals). One night, over a slice of pizza from the world's shittist pizza stand, our Everyman is visited by the Spirit of Iron who shows him the way to redemption through fisticuffs. Now before you say it, no, this isn't one of those hokey male-bonding-through-clubs-that-fight-and-have-stupid-rules movies. No, this is deep. This is Popeye live action, but without any of the tedious copyright discussions that such a film would entail.

Memorable line – “You will have to do more than grunt if you want me to stop punching you.”

Watch out for – The Spirit of Iron, who sort of looks like a young Jimmy Carter.

Awards Won – 1980 International Metals Industry Service Award

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Damn Dizzy Broad - *

Spin. Woman. Worker. Mule

1977, Denmark, Colour, 49 minutes

Conceived and directed by Bernt Ebbe

Starring Dorthe Hulda

A baffling piece of filmed Performance Art. Danish ballerina Hulda spins and spins endlessly in front of clips from old detective films while discordant violin music plays softly through an old gramophone. Yet another reason why we wish the DVD distributor Autuer Ressurection didn't exist.

Watch out for – we do wonder how she manages to not throw up.

Quote – “Damn dizzy broad. Thought she could pull one over on the NYPD.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Very Tricky - *

Sleight of Hand or Sleight of Mind?

2004, USA, Colour, 114 minutes

Written and directed by P. K. Frilk

Starring P. K. Frilk, Lifan Huang, Little Wing Turner

Have you ever wanted to yell “Just piss off” at a movie screen? That was our experience while watching this rancid piece of filmmaker mind frottage. The story revolves around five people who all get robbed while taking part in a street magic act (the magician is played by writer/director Frilk). Who was in on the magician’s scheme and who wasn't? To answer these crap questions we get to see the scene from every possible point of view while people change allegiances in ways that make no sense, and facts are twisted beyond plausibility. Most maddening though, is that Frilk shows his own face smirking and nodding at the viewer during every scene change.

Watch out for – well, if I were Frilk I’d watch out for my flying fist.

Quote – “Don’t believe your eyes, don’t believe logic…magic is beyond logic, magic is love, tragedy, life….” etc. etc.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

I’m Dead and I Can’t Get Up - *

What would you do in such a difficult situation?

1974, Philippines, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Jose Aquino (as Hitchcock Spielberg). Written by Hero Martinez (as I.A.L. Hecht)

Starring Madrigal Jose, Cogie Abalayan, Carmencita Mercado, Barry Jones

An unexciting Filipino zombie film set in a physical rehabilitation clinic. Crudely spliced in American actors and attempts to pass Manilla off as Los Angeles add unintentional comedy relief. But the film can’t overcome the lacklustre premise of immobile zombies. In a zombie apocalypse would this many people really wander through an empty rehab clinic?

Watch out for – An old shack sporting a ‘Capitol Records’ sign.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk