Synergy: A Tale in Two Parts - *1/2

Drugs, women, greed, old school tie

2005, USA/UK, Colour, 103 minutes

Directed by Rickardus Mahoney

Starring Sapphire Philips, John Furie, Bill Furie, Lazy Smith and Julie Green as Dean Anderson

Encouraged by tales of corporate greed in the late 1990s three men go to college to study to learn the skills necessary to become a success. This simple premise established the story quickly departs into a swirling vortex of greed, education and furious sculling down the old river flat. A curious juxtaposition of college stereotypes takes up the majority of the film, which sadly leaves precious little room for the much promised stock-market heist or indeed an explanation of the title. Is it trying to be cute? Smart? Ironic?

Watch out for – During the lunchtime theatre scene in the second act there is a pause while everyone looks expectantly at the stable door. It was the perfect moment for a pantomime horse to walk out but the director didn't have the cojones to do the right thing.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Offal and Tears - **

Today’s Recipe: Pastry, Kidney, Peas, Fingers

1927, UK, Black & White, 54 minutes

Written and directed by Sir Malcolm Killingham

Starring Brycie Gord, Stanley Turkle, Betty Higho, Twirly Swordfish

A piquant, mouth watering expose of the 1920s British meat processing industry. Sure, many meatworkers lose fingers and toes, but they look like tasty gentlemen marinated in the smells and fumes of Britain’s finest slaughterhouses. The love stories are strong, the thick pastries are appetising, and this reviewer went straight from the screening to a merchant of meat-filled delicacies. A rare example of a film succeeding where it hoped to fail.

Watch out for – the way that cute Dorchester gal wields a spatula. Yum!

Quote – “News from the plant dearie; only got to lose one more finger and I get a lifetime pension.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Montreal Honeymoon - ***

At last – the greatest love story ever told is told

1946, USA, Black & White, 74 minutes

Written and directed by Martin Wing

Starring Bertha Markowitz, Louis Hors

This romantic drama could have been a true masterpiece, if real-life romance hadn’t conspired against writer/director Martin Wing. Superstars Harlan Willoughby and Victoria Lacane dropped out of the project (to elope to Paraguay) and the film was dropped by Summit Studios. Wing didn't give up on his dream project, and managed to personally finance it ten years later. Opinions vary as to whether he was working as a travelling salesman to save money for his project or if he was living under a Montreal underpass and stole a camera from a news crew then cast two people living in a bus shelter (this story even claims he carried around a tattered copy of the script which he would read at least ten times a day). Still others say that he was a cinema verite master and the story of his homelessness was part of a campaign by European critics to diminish the contribution of American filmmakers to this movement. Whatever the truth is, despite the poor acting and sudden camera cuts whenever a siren is heard, the quality of Wing’s script shines through and the film is both bittersweet and unusually romantic.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Likely Story - *

You will believe it

2002, USA, Colour, 234 minutes

Written and directed by B. P. Lucker

Starring Zilo Pastrada, Bunce I. L. Wey, Samantha Yule, Korina Yule

Hyper realism reached a new low when this film was crapped onto the festival circuit. Pastrada, a highly uninteresting high school student, plays himself as he and his fellow classmates attempt to explain to a teacher why they skipped an afternoon of school. The explanations touch on their family and love lives but the stories match the title and none are of any particular dramatic interest. The main problem: the film was improvised, which doesn’t work when your cast are all infuriating idiots.

Watch out for – the end credits. They do come eventually.

Quote – “My dad likes to drink. A glass of wine every other week. It makes me think that being 21 would be nice because it looks good. He let me have a sip once long ago. It was nice…yeah, nice is the word for it. Didn’t let me have any more, I have wounds now. Internal scars...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Further From the Sea - *½

Ever wish you could meet the director and punch them in the face?

1993, USA, Colour, 100 minutes

Written and directed by Sally T McGowen.

Starring A. Smith

A young boy growing up in North Dakota dreams of the sea as he faces the struggles and opportunities eternal to all youth. Or at least that is what the producers tried to sell the film as, instead the audience, such as it was, was subjected to a chaotic mix of narration, playground montages and dull stock footage of the ocean. Bemusement greeted screenings of the film at even the most pretentious of film schools and independent film festivals. What made this far worse was that the director's debut was the superb Self Shine, which goes to show that lurking within every fresh new, promising director is a pretentious, hackneyed wanker waiting to get out.

Interesting points - Blurring the faces of all the main character was self indulgent at best.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Call Me a Dilettante, Will You? - *

It means nothing from a bunch of ignorant pig dogs

1943, USA, Black & White, 46 minutes

Written and directed by Anonymous (Traynor Willingham)

Starring masked unknowns

This poisonous slander film was made by Traynor Willingham, short fiction writer and flash-in-the-pan novelist, as revenge on the circle of New York literary critics who had savaged his work over the years. The film “starred” these critics (actually out-of-work Broadway actors wearing pig and dog masks) reading their reviews in a faux-retarded manner and simulating a daisy chain around a garbage dumpster. The film was shown at private parties before it was buried due to court proceedings. This has been making the rounds on the bootleg circuit for a few years, but unless there is a renewal of interest in Willinghams rather hysterical prose style, this will remain an oddity.

Watch out for – Willingham’s hand entering the frame at one point, tugging the choke chain of one of the actors who tries to run away.

Quote – “Hiisssth pwose stiiilll isth amacherisssh…” (and so on)

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mysterious Smiling Woman - **

Her lips are like fire

2007, France, Colour, 101 minutes

Written and directed by Juliette Karolin

Starring K le Simone

Ever kissed a woman with lips that burn? Me either, and nor do many in this film. Why is this important? Well the director is making a statement that women shouldn't be viewed on screen purely for their sex appeal, so right at the start of the film a couple of men get bad facial burns and then we start with the real story. This is something about a politician that wants to outlaw child labour or something, and has a lot of trouble doing so.

Things to watch – Inexplicable English language title, given the strength of feeling from the director. The DVD release cover of what appears to be a model kissing a rose with a thorn piercing her lip suggests that perhaps it was deliberate. Colour me confused.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Domiciles et tu – **1/2

(Released in the UK as My Roman House)

Une maison signifie la fin de rêver

2001, USA/Canada, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by Jean Smart. Written by JJ Saghar, Glonard Minx

Starring Paul Fujiyama, Sapphire Philips

A rather uplifting story of a young couple looking to buy their first house, sort of like a modern Horatio Alger story for aspiring homeowners. Think Spellbound but without annoying children and with a tight script. If movies are mirrors on society then early 21st century America is a dull, safe society with little to be passionate about except home ownership.

It seems to be a cast iron law in some circles that if you throw a little bit of French or Latin into a title or product it automatically becomes better. Is this wishful thinking, or a solid scientific fact? According to the box office return of Domiciles et tu, it was the latter. Either way, it's clear the middle classes enjoy being condescended to.

Watch out for – The soliloquy about synthetic sound/heat insulation from long retired method actor Klinsky Jones. It may not be Shakespeare, but then we don’t live in Tudor England. Oh and yes, that is THE Sapphire Philips, 1997's winner of Best Adult Undress Sequence from the Adult Entertainment Awards. Only strippers use the name "Sapphire".

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Insurance Claim - *

Cheating raises everyone's premiums...even at Christmas

2005, USA, Colour, 93 minutes

Directed by Adlai Frankenheim. Written by Susan Ho

Starring Lisa Laticia, G Minx, various children

Billy Page has a dilemma, it’s the week before Christmas but he can’t afford presents for his many adopted orphan children! Driven to desperation he concocts an elaborate insurance scam that enables him to provide for his family. So far so good. Sadly though the initially promising scenario turns out to be the setup for a morality play on the virtue of honest dealing and taking responsibility for one’s actions. The sweet, lisping plea of the cutesy child, begging father to not sacrifice his eternal soul for material satisfaction frankly just grates, and if that wasn’t bad enough its followed by a courtroom redemption speech by Billy that would make even the most sanctimonious of us be violently sick.

This is what happens when the Moral Majority, the Business Council of America and various law enforcement agencies combine to co-fund film production in an attempt to salvage reputations in a post Enron/Credit Crunch business environment. To the credit of the Director he must have realised his production was irrevocably tainted, how else can one explain the vandalised photo of President George W Bush in the DA's office at the 64th minute, and subsequent attempts to contact Adlai Frankenhim have failed due to it apparently being a made up name.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

A Crummy Way to Die – *1/2

Undiagnosed nasal fistulas aren’t worth dying for!

1931, USA, Black & White, 60 minutes

Directed by Samual P. Fancy. Written by The Orange County Nurses Collective with additional material by Roderick Muhykin

Starring Nurse Rachel Carthwright, Doctor Lance Maynard, Billy O’Groats

After his father died from an undiagnosed nasal fistula, movie mogul Roderick Muhykin ordered the educational short film Explanation of the Formation and Removal of Nasal Fistulas expanded to feature length. He even wrote the additional material (his only screenwriting credit) which deals with a family man ignoring an unusual nasal discharge. The result is both preachy and off-putting.

Interestingly, this was the first teaming of Billy O’Groats and Samual P. Fancy, who would become the star and creator/director of the long-running Tickler series.

Watch out for – Film history’s first nasal disease-themed polka number

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Crisp Lapels - *

Smooth surface, fierce undertow

1954, Italy, Black & White, 134 minutes

Written and directed Jorge Balaloba

Starring Talgada Ferri, Calderoza Bertuno, Frerita Frerrer

The thoroughly depressing “realisimo” tale of a poor man who spends his family's weekly food budget on lapel cripener so he can look presentable in a job interview. He loses out on the job to the boss's playboy son and spirals downwards into depression, madness, suicide, zombie wandering, family eating, lapel floppery, and eventual quarantine on a rapidly melting iceberg. Only the third act's religious hallucinations give this any sort of 'what the fuck' entertainment value.

Watch out for – the only known film footage of legendary lapel crisper sales man 'Solapa' Manzinni.

Quote – “Surface. Melting surface. In the sun you are no better than the sea.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk