An Uncomplicated Athlete - *½

Winning was the only thing on his mind

1974, UK, Colour, 96 minutes

Directed by Fyodor Royal. Written by Darwin Ellis

Starring Terrence Freds, Barnanby Toft, Barbara Regal

A grim drama about professional footballer Barry Cullins (Terrence Freds) who literally cares only about the game. The first half of the film sets up several juicy reasons for his state of mind, from failed love affairs to fatherly over ambition to overtraining-related hallucinations. Viewers may not stick with the film in the second half when it’s revealed that his obsession is due simply to being a bit dim. Close equivalent: watching an actual footballer being interviewed.

Watch out for – the teeth and the haircuts.

Quote – “Ooo cares about dat war, eh? Vietnamers aren’t no good at football, woof, their team right stinks.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

I've Got the Trots - *

Try to hold your laughter in!

1986, USA, Colour, 90 minutes

Directed by Carl Manheim. Written by Paulie Oakenfeld, Kyle T. Ghomes, Sal Pilly (script). Lois Nubar (story)

Starring Al Alman, Jolie Manheim, Pinto the Horse, The Hubert Trollings Five

An uneasy mixture of toilet humour and horse racing. A thief steals a Kentucky Derby horse from an Animal Hospital, not aware that it’s in there for severe diarrhoea. The film seems to exist solely due to the terrible pun in the title. There is a limit to how often you can see people being sprayed by a horse’s “bazooka colon”, and this film passes that point in the opening credits. The finale, where the horse uses its rectal rocket boost to win the Derby while coating the other racers in faeces is, frankly, repulsive.

Watch out for – Pornstar Corky Corvette playing a veterinarian - hired as a nod to her famous role in “Barnyard Escapades”.

Quote – “Ever since I stole you I’ve been in the s**t.” (Sorry, but that is the best joke in the film).

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Cripsey! - ***

What he done again?

1998, India/UK, Colour, 287 minutes

Directed by Rufus Grillings. Written by V M Sakhal

Starring Rakisha Vernon, Billy Tyler

After graduating from Oxbridge, the finest university in United Britain, John Fuller has been sent to India to make his fortune. Pity no one told him the Raj finished 50 years ago! After a humorous series of misunderstandings and near misses with the good people of Bangalore a local man about town rescues him and shows him the joys of Modern India. Together they team up to lead the Indian cricket team as it prepares for the biggest match of the year. Never underestimate the appeal of a cross cultural buddy comedy!

Watch out for – After a misunderstanding with the film's financiers, money ran low for a period, which explains the inexplicably long scenes in the restaurant, then later in the restaurant toilets.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Born to Hacky - **

His sacks will never drop. Never.

1995, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Written and directed by Taylor Chad Hussman

Starring Taylor Chad Hussman, Beverly H’lard, Wang Xian Tang, Pamela Ak

Strictly formulaic tale of high school rebel Eddie Arnett (writer/director/star Hussman) who finds meaning in life when the local rockery is threatened with development. The rockery is home to an endemic breed of newt, the reasearch subject of a comely biology student (Beverly H’lard). Proceeding as these films do, Eddie has to win a hacky sack tournament against the developers disciple, ex-Shaolin Monk ‘Rubber Foot’ Xiuwang, to secure the newt’s survival.

Watch out for – the scene where Eddie completes the fabled “Twelve Point Loosey”. It’s still the subject of furious argument about its authenticity

Quote – “That guy learned to hacky. I was born to hacky.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk