Mysterious Goat - **

Even love hides from mystery

2001, Taiwan, Colour, 98 minutes

Written and Directed by Johnny Fear (translation error?)

Starring Sam Lu, Xi Chu Lung, Lin Zia Yo

Some things never translate well, and why exactly two middle-aged lovers should feel the need to incorporate a herd of mountain goats into their weekly tryst at the Taipei Zoo still escapes me. From the frequent references to the goats during other scenes I suspect it is meant to be a metaphor but dammed if anyone was able to explain it. Still, the cinematography was fantastic, the juxtaposition on a bleak urban environment with a happy goat grazing while naked bodies writhe under a park bench is strangely enticing.

Quote – “If you don't mind, we are having a school party coming through soon and they haven't quite got to comparative biology yet.”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Garnisher – *

Mr Paisley don't like you

2001, USA, Colour, 105 minutes

Directed by Jason Adlaison. Written by Chris Van Sioe, Pauline Wood

Starring George Gusz, Chris Van Sioe, Julie Smith

Every society needs stone cold professional killers. The type of people who can strangle anyone without going all emo, who go to only the hottest clubs, who have some sort of inherent style that make them sex magnets. Or so a thousand or so action films have told us. This is just another one of those films, except of course for the name of killer, The Garnisher! The choice of name may suggest desperation, but it actually serves a purpose, in that most viewers stay watching, hoping that the garnisher name will make for an interesting angle, maybe in a kitchen. But it never does, hell, they don't even visit a restaurant for the hotel date scene, what kind of hotel doesn't have a classy restaurant, laden with food/kitchen related humour?

Quote – "I'll garnish you!" - yelled by Act 3's Mr Big as he waves his silver pistol at the "hero".

My reaction – I coined a new term, the "groigger" - a combination of groan and snigger in honour of this film.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Domiciles et tu – **1/2

(Released in the UK as My Roman House)

Une maison signifie la fin de rêver

2001, USA/Canada, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by Jean Smart. Written by JJ Saghar, Glonard Minx

Starring Paul Fujiyama, Sapphire Philips

A rather uplifting story of a young couple looking to buy their first house, sort of like a modern Horatio Alger story for aspiring homeowners. Think Spellbound but without annoying children and with a tight script. If movies are mirrors on society then early 21st century America is a dull, safe society with little to be passionate about except home ownership.

It seems to be a cast iron law in some circles that if you throw a little bit of French or Latin into a title or product it automatically becomes better. Is this wishful thinking, or a solid scientific fact? According to the box office return of Domiciles et tu, it was the latter. Either way, it's clear the middle classes enjoy being condescended to.

Watch out for – The soliloquy about synthetic sound/heat insulation from long retired method actor Klinsky Jones. It may not be Shakespeare, but then we don’t live in Tudor England. Oh and yes, that is THE Sapphire Philips, 1997's winner of Best Adult Undress Sequence from the Adult Entertainment Awards. Only strippers use the name "Sapphire".

Reviewed by Juan Incognito