Six Ways to Texas III – *

That Longhorn ain't smiling

1987, USA, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by U Ghant. Written by R Kal Fern

Starring Tommy Bacon, Lucy Garner, Jayden Soont

Before Texas became famous for Bush and illegal immigrants it was known as the home of the fiercest cattle in the world, the Longhorn. Historically they were the foundation of the wealth of Texas, shipped out to the Eastern cities by their millions. Why am I telling you this? Filler.

Filler is necessary when the studio forces an already tired film franchise to come back for one more showing. It isn't necessarily a bad concept – a road trip to Houston that goes terribly wrong when the pickup breaks down in the middle of a cattle drive – but how the hell it can be milked three times defies belief. However the real question is – how much did the local Cattle Rancher's Association sink into this series before they realised film making wasn't really for them?

Anyway. A high school prayer group are heading for the big meet in Houston. It has been a long hard season, but they've beaten the competition and now it's time for state finals. They've beaten the county and tri-county champs (I & II), and it seems like nothing can stop them. Nothing except Satan and a herd of angry cattle. Despite the slightly lame Christian premise this is a solid attempt at frat humour, but with high school kids.

Great moment – When Mr Collins parts the trail drive like the Red Sea then gets pelted with beer cans by the trailhands for blaspheming.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Brittle Bones vs. Malibu Hercules - *

Smashing!

1987, Hong Kong, Colour, 92 minutes

Directed by Wang T. Dong. Written by Liang Hu

Starring Gang Tang, Marcy Kwan, Leroy Hong

Mind numbingly awful family film about the neighbourly disputes that happen after the Hercules family move from swanky Malibu into a Kowloon apartment building. Brittle Bones is Mr. Wu, their elderly public servant neighbour who, as a running gag, is constantly breaking his hips yet somehow gaming the medical system to get speedy replacements. The film is essentially a series of stupid gags that revolve around stairwells, mah jong, and super strong people breaking the elderly in half.

Watch out for – Mr. Wu refusing to grease the medical system's wheels when Mrs. Hercules gives birth to a three-headed dog.

Quote – “You can't blame Mr. Wu, son. During the Cultural Revolution people didn't get much milk.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk