Dear Sir, I Am Going To Kill You All – **

Someone's been a naughty boy

1961, USA/Italy, Black & White, 92 minutes

Directed by Juan Smith. Written by H.R.A. Mervi

Starring Gus "Gussy" Trini, Peter Charles

A much-loved teacher nears his well-earned retirement and begins planning his new life as a professional loiterer, when a phone call changes his life. He is now the target of a vicious killer, who will stop at nothing in order to kill beloved teacher. What could a man so well loved have done to deserve such a fate? Well, despite the occasional hint, we never really know. But we are treated to a smorgasbord of chilling phone conversations and the occasional alleyway confrontation, and when done well, this is quite enough excitement for this reviewer!

Trivia – Apparently inspired by early civil rights campaigners, although god knows how or indeed why

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Call Me a Dilettante, Will You? - *

It means nothing from a bunch of ignorant pig dogs

1943, USA, Black & White, 46 minutes

Written and directed by Anonymous (Traynor Willingham)

Starring masked unknowns

This poisonous slander film was made by Traynor Willingham, short fiction writer and flash-in-the-pan novelist, as revenge on the circle of New York literary critics who had savaged his work over the years. The film “starred” these critics (actually out-of-work Broadway actors wearing pig and dog masks) reading their reviews in a faux-retarded manner and simulating a daisy chain around a garbage dumpster. The film was shown at private parties before it was buried due to court proceedings. This has been making the rounds on the bootleg circuit for a few years, but unless there is a renewal of interest in Willinghams rather hysterical prose style, this will remain an oddity.

Watch out for – Willingham’s hand entering the frame at one point, tugging the choke chain of one of the actors who tries to run away.

Quote – “Hiisssth pwose stiiilll isth amacherisssh…” (and so on)

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk