The Toss Race - **

Whoever wins may not like the prize

2007, USA, Colour

Directed by Antin Gohnun . Written by Pete Jones, James Appelnitz, Sally Horits

Starring F. Banks, Jayden Gunner, Louis Levant, Aikomoto Hero, Lebouche Jones (no relation to writer)

Five men are gathered together and made to race across a barren desert, with only a knife and a small bottle of spring water. Why? It is never said. Who? Refer to previous comment. In fact, The Toss Race is simply a poor version of that genre I like to call "hidden puppet master pulls the strings of bewildered star, and there may be an inexplicable government angle".

Line of note – "Femurs are one of those body parts you only miss when gone."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Clack - *

Build it. Build it. Play again.

1984, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Directed by Nigel Attenwood. Written by Randy “T-bone” Turner

Starring Cary James, Bobbi Regent, Hans Schemeckler

A weak attempt to dramatise the popular block building arcade game of the early 80's. In the game, players are given the outline of a building, and have to manouver different shaped blocks in the space to build it without any extra bits. The movie is about a firm of architects that take the most extreme jobs on earth; moving blocks around volcanos and on the moon in a similar (and similarly dull) manner to the game. One of their clients turns out to be using one of their old buildings (in the Antarctic) as a world-threatening base of operations. As the only people with knowledge of the site they're sent in to “unbuild” it. Crap action scenes. Nice scenery.

Watch out for – British director Attenwood (defining slumming with this film) in his cameo as an amazed newspaperman.

Quote – “The nuclear warheads I can deal with, it's the wallpaper that really vandalises my design.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Garnisher – *

Mr Paisley don't like you

2001, USA, Colour, 105 minutes

Directed by Jason Adlaison. Written by Chris Van Sioe, Pauline Wood

Starring George Gusz, Chris Van Sioe, Julie Smith

Every society needs stone cold professional killers. The type of people who can strangle anyone without going all emo, who go to only the hottest clubs, who have some sort of inherent style that make them sex magnets. Or so a thousand or so action films have told us. This is just another one of those films, except of course for the name of killer, The Garnisher! The choice of name may suggest desperation, but it actually serves a purpose, in that most viewers stay watching, hoping that the garnisher name will make for an interesting angle, maybe in a kitchen. But it never does, hell, they don't even visit a restaurant for the hotel date scene, what kind of hotel doesn't have a classy restaurant, laden with food/kitchen related humour?

Quote – "I'll garnish you!" - yelled by Act 3's Mr Big as he waves his silver pistol at the "hero".

My reaction – I coined a new term, the "groigger" - a combination of groan and snigger in honour of this film.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Surviving the Net – ***

Information is powerful, and the Internet is a killer

2005, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Written and directed by Jimmy "lolz" Kant

Starring P. K. French, Veere Illyonich

Generally when a filmmaker attempts to incorporate the internet or computers into a project bad things happen. Think The Net and You've Got M@il. With so much to live up to Surviving could have been incredibly bad, like with lame graphical representations of people typing stuff into search engines. Happily a glorious ensemble of physical humour and ultraviolence quickly ensures that the focus of the film is events, not technology. Plus there are all kinds of deliciously loaded lines which will leave the audience groaning with delight. When hero Jack single handily uses his mad hacking skills to remove the pants of his nemesis while said nemesis is at an important business meeting you can't help but cheer at the screen.

Quote - “I'll phreak you all ways to Friday before I make you wish it was still Monday so you could start all over....you're a chick, right?"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Paid to Sex - **½

Me Happy Time Make You FUN!

1988, Japan/USA, Colour, 95 minutes

Directed by Mashimoto Mashimata. Written by Daryl Dweebly

Starring Yuko Mishima, ‘Teddy Bear’ Traylor, Kurt Kolder, The Camel Club’s Famous Dancing Humpettes

A charmingly naïve Japanese prostitute, Yumi, moves to Las Vegas and finds it quite different from the glittering paradise she imagined. But what seems like it will be just an American-based Japanese torture film (written by the editor of USA’s biggest fan magazine J-Tied), turns into a rabid mishmash of every Japanese film genre. A weird customer dies on Yumi, and the cybernetic suit that was possessing him takes her over…cue painful mutations, sword play, creepy children, giant monsters, long static shots of tea ceremonies, brutal violence to men’s groins, ninjas, alien invaders, Las Vegas showgirls becoming cat beasts, and some more torture. The result does not gel, but does have a nice soundtrack of ‘60s Japanese rock songs.

Watch out for – the famous “flicker scene”. Nearly every rental VHS in existence is damaged due to overplaying of the scene with a three second shot of Yumi’s left nipple.

Quote – “I like to make erection…hahaha for you to make. No me. Hahahaha.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Elbows, Knees and Death - **½

You’ll be Lucky to Leave the Theatre With Teeth, Mate

1975, Australia, Colour, 72 minutes

Written and directed by Bruno and Mark Taylor.

Starring Bruno Taylor, Mark Taylor, Laura Taylor

Super low budget martial arts film that makes up for its lack of script, acting, lighting, sets, costumes, continuity, direction, and music with some of the most energetic fight scenes of the 1970s. Outback Martial Arts champion Bruno Taylor and his twin brother Mark star as medieval warriors flung into the future who must rescue a princess (played by their sister) from a metal fortress. In their way are, due to casting restrictions, numerous clones (all of this is explained by narration). What sets this film apart is the absolute ferocity with which Bruno and Mark attack each other. Filmed in sequence, you can actually see the brutal physical toll the filming takes on the hapless stars.

Watch out for – Bruno repeatedly breaking character while holding back tears of rage and shoving a land deed in Mark’s face.

Quote – “Crikes, you bloody bugger, if you’d just filed the dredging forms we wouldn’ta lost mamma’s land.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Black Cable - *½

You better hope it's long enough

2000, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by G. Iriani. Written by Jan Smit, Euad Grant (PhD)

Starring June Meredith, Ian Burns, Bosworth Brandt

The Cold War is long over, and a new threat has arisen, one that makes the Soviets look like a bunch of Quakers out on a knees up. That's right, neo-syndicalism is back, and this time it isn't taking 'no' for an answer . The Black Cable is an example of the brief Dot Com "I have too much money" movie wave of 2000, before the money evaporated back into the ether. While the title sort of gives this away the real clue is the "in joke" references to networking technology. I suspect it isn't really that funny even to networking geeks.

Quote – “You idiot, I said RJ friggen 45 not RJ 11! You've doomed us all!”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Six Ways to Texas III – *

That Longhorn ain't smiling

1987, USA, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by U Ghant. Written by R Kal Fern

Starring Tommy Bacon, Lucy Garner, Jayden Soont

Before Texas became famous for Bush and illegal immigrants it was known as the home of the fiercest cattle in the world, the Longhorn. Historically they were the foundation of the wealth of Texas, shipped out to the Eastern cities by their millions. Why am I telling you this? Filler.

Filler is necessary when the studio forces an already tired film franchise to come back for one more showing. It isn't necessarily a bad concept – a road trip to Houston that goes terribly wrong when the pickup breaks down in the middle of a cattle drive – but how the hell it can be milked three times defies belief. However the real question is – how much did the local Cattle Rancher's Association sink into this series before they realised film making wasn't really for them?

Anyway. A high school prayer group are heading for the big meet in Houston. It has been a long hard season, but they've beaten the competition and now it's time for state finals. They've beaten the county and tri-county champs (I & II), and it seems like nothing can stop them. Nothing except Satan and a herd of angry cattle. Despite the slightly lame Christian premise this is a solid attempt at frat humour, but with high school kids.

Great moment – When Mr Collins parts the trail drive like the Red Sea then gets pelted with beer cans by the trailhands for blaspheming.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Donnybrook Farm - ***

More fun than a barrel of nuns!

1964, UK, Colour, 100 minutes

Directed by Clyde Brywry. Written by Man Harrison

Starring Argyle Bartwright, Tom Smith, Georgie O'Hallahan, Sam Dirkens

Before Fight Club made organised fisticuffs a past time suitable only for angsty schizophrenics, Donnybrook Farm showed that a good-natured weekend of setting-to was just what stressed men of all social strata needed. The plot is set in motion through a tensely humorous ten minutes of expositional grudgery, pitting merchants against workers, and workers against waifs. When the police put a stop to what would be the biggest brawl in Edinburgh history, Farmer Clemsly says the immortal words; "Boys, we can fight on my farm!" What follows is 90 minutes of high-spirited brawling which end once everyone has punched their animosities away.

Watch out for – the classic "Dog's Bucket Routine"

Quote – "Aye, Colin. That 'twas a fine haymaker that I didnae see comin'."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Jet Squadron Shooting - *

This film is everything Top Gun promised to deliver but failed

1992, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Captain Jim Block (USAAF ret.)

Written by and starring the 3rd Sqdrn. Nevada Air National Guard, East Las Vegas

Ever seen a film that you thought you could do a better job of and you managed to convince a bunch of friends you really could? Well this is pretty much what happened here with what was described as a "more real Top Gun", sadly it is never as easy as it looks, and while we can all agree this film is more realistic, no one will ever find real time air combat interesting. Not when it involves so many dammed pre flight checks.

Great line – "You know when the fuel monitor beeps twice it is time to return home.” (Actually this isn't as great as I remember, perhaps delivery makes a difference?)

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Ferrous Rick – *

He put the “fe” in strife

1978 , US A, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Canter P. Angola. Written by Gordon Kilmeas, Clearance Gunthorpe

Starring Purdel O'Hara, Dorna Emil

To be a modern man is to suffer, and Rick the Iron Worker is no exception. His life is a constant series of humiliations; if its not sand in the face, then its itching powder in his jocks (making for some great visuals). One night, over a slice of pizza from the world's shittist pizza stand, our Everyman is visited by the Spirit of Iron who shows him the way to redemption through fisticuffs. Now before you say it, no, this isn't one of those hokey male-bonding-through-clubs-that-fight-and-have-stupid-rules movies. No, this is deep. This is Popeye live action, but without any of the tedious copyright discussions that such a film would entail.

Memorable line – “You will have to do more than grunt if you want me to stop punching you.”

Watch out for – The Spirit of Iron, who sort of looks like a young Jimmy Carter.

Awards Won – 1980 International Metals Industry Service Award

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Fighter - **

Things to do today: Fight!

1985, USA, Colour, 90 minutes

Written and directed by Jacques Baggatage

Starring Randall Gunnard, Roxy Chiraz, Bob Juddard

Monotonal steel worker Hank Cannon likes to fight. No one in Pittsburgh can beat him, and he'll take on anyone; drug dealers, co-workers, cops, mimes, burly sailors. He just loves fighting. This causes much confusion as the other characters spend countless amounts of screen time trying to figure out what he's fighting for. The answer is nothing. French director's Baggatage's attempt at a social critique of America has become quite the favourite among the far right and backyard wrestling crowds.

Watch out for – The Cannon twitch; when he does it, you know he's a rumble's coming.

Quote – “I don't want to make love because I might want to fight you later.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk