The Face Reader - *

I can read you. You're spelled wrong

1998, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by Frank Skelly. Written by Chad Darkling

Starring Chad Darkling, Allura, The Amazing Kimmy

The movie debut of Las Vegas psychic Chad Darkling is staggeringly imbecilic. Shot in between his performances, it is about his attempts to stop an ancient clan of Super Mages from robbing Pan's Flute Casino where he performs his show. The big dilemma is; what is there for a master of body language to read when he's facing undead, mask-wearing magicians? The answer; instructions for an AK-47. Darklings performance can best be described as “theatrical.”

Watch out for – the random light changes in the outdoor scenes; they would make any Continuity Person's head explode.

Quote – “I'm a master at reading faces, but a skull tells no tales.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Presence of Mynd - ***½

Existence in the blink of a high

1984, Italy, Colour, 157 minutes

Directed by Serito Pantoni. Written by Mantino Motto

Starring Humberto Ilago, Sabina Frida, Nunzio Drahma, Takahito Azuma

The earth is merely the hallucinations of a wizard high on a drug called Mynd. Parts of the world begin to disappear when the wizard's parents send him to a detox centre. It's up to a rag-tag group of heroes (a big game hunter, a samurai, a Colombian drug lord, and a beat poet) to travel out of the wizard's mind to his world and try to keep him high. Sadly the genre of sorcery-related metaphysical adventure never caught on outside of the town halls of Sicily, the only place Pantoni's films have ever screened.

Watch out for – the scene where our heroes are shoved into a waiting room with other hallucinations of detoxing Mynd addicts.

Quote – “I thought we were special, but there's nothing special about drugs. Other than the ability to imagine entire worlds and civilisations.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Continue - **

One Quarter – One Life

1985, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Brick Youngly. Written by Hope Kyo

Starring Mike Corey, Michael Corman, Mikey Carey

Passable kid's film concering a video game arcade that comes to life in a lightning storm – the truants and punks manage to get all the characters back in the game only to discover that they've trapped some of their friends in there too. Mild excitement abounds as they run to the change counter to get quarters before the continue counter hits zero and their friends die. Notable for the downbeat ending; after returning to their loveless homes at the end of the day, they all return to the arcade and try to climb into the arcade machines.

Watch out for – the unveiling of the Golden Free Credit Coathanger.

Quote – “Some say Zack found the coathanger stuck in a mystic stone and was the only one who could pull it out. Others say it was a robotic angel's tampon.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Furious John - **1/2

He isn't just angry, he's furious!

1991, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by G.J. Schmidt. Written by Peaceable Johns

Starring Peaceable Johns, Klaus Tratt, Kitten Seyo, Lucy Brown

John is a peaceable man, happily farming his small plot of land in the rural idyll of Nicetown until the Tax Man comes to visit. Knowing that he cannot pay, John desperately seeks for a distraction, when he remembers the story of 1001 Arabian Nights. Sadly for the Taxman, John isn't a very good story teller, but despite himself he cannot stop listening to a series of stories that would do a child in a creative writing class proud. Over the following hour we are exposed to morality plays, and the occasional sexy diversion, all of which seem designed to make one question the morality of taxes while also the incredible shitness that is the genre of movies-as-homilies.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

A Fist Too Far - **

Sometimes enough is too much

1976, USA, Colour, 93 minutes

Written and directed by Ush Afull

Starring Alf Grein, Shoshana, Leroy McReedy

Bizarre New York revenge film, supposed based on a New Hebridian folk belief that a man can only be hits so many times before the Gods see his plight and come to his aid. East Village low life “Skuzz” who, being a general ratbag gets beat up a lot, receives one punch over the Holy Line when he attempts to pick a man's pocket. With powerful allies to help him restore balance to karmic forces he becomes a local demi-God. When a local beat cop realises what's going on he orders his partner to punch him as many times as is needed to get the Gods on his side too. But the God-assisted cop becomes brain damaged and uncontrollable. Is Scuzz all that stands in the way of New York's destruction?

Watch out for – the pathetic special effects in the ensuing battle.

Quote – “I coulda lets youse all die. Know dat, right? Remember dat next time you punch me for stealing your TV.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Dream Sequencer - ***1/2

Il a rendu des films trop personnels même pour le Français

1971, France, Colour, 95 minutes

Written and directed by Philippe Gaga

Starring Philippe Gaga, Sylvie Marie Sylvie, Rot Callais

A whimsical silent fantasy written, directed, and starring French mime Gaga. He plays a formerly famous film technician who used his invention to record people’s dreams onto film while they sleep, a highly economical way of making dream sequences. But when the French New Wave hits, dream sequences become blasé, and he finds himself unemployed. To make ends meet he works as a psychoanalyst, but his patients are so intensely crazy that mere celluloid can’t contain their dreams. He becomes trapped in his patients nightmare world with his saucy secretary Coco, and can only escape by curing them with two-fisted Freudian psychoanalysis. Good fun.

Watch out for – the scene where Gaga and Coco hide in a giant prosthetic butt crack to avoid being shot by a squadron of milk-shooting breastplanes; predating the Death Star raid in Star Wars.

Quote – “…”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk