Crikey, Sheila - ***

Bloody hell woman!!!

1986, Australia, Colour, 88 minutes

Directed by Lobo Cluggins. Written by Tingo Malinga

Starring Matty Green, Sharon Ockley

An amusing Aussie comedy about a hapless carpenter with “the dizziest wife in the state”. Oh, that Sheila and the problems she causes Murray. Those problems go from crazy to zany when they decide to buy a rundown outback pub and restore it to its former glory. Lovers of slapstick and pratfalls and impossible-to-overuse catchphrases will love this one.

Watch out for – the installation of the grand staircase, which should have Chaplin crying in his pinebox.

Quote – What else could it be but “Crickey, Sheila”?

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Caged and the Craven - ***

Steel can cleave hearts magic cannot touch

1986, Italy, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Marucs Cartwright (Gila Fufi). Written by Jorge Lourderer

Starring Steve Porter, Wrightman Carweather, Tila Nonez

When powerful (but annoyingly sensitive) wizards liberate a mystical city from a Demon Lord, they are too scared to immediately release any of the kick ass barbarians held in the city's jails. Instead they subject them to a series of magical tortures to pacify them prior to their assimilation into the new, enlightened society. It works temporarily, but after living in a city full of self-righteous jerks for about two days their awesomely violent nature is re-awakened and they crush the wizards in satisfying fashion. Fun.

Watch out for – that odd subplot about the giant snake in the sewers. It goes nowhere.

Quote – “No man puts quiche recipes in my mind. NO MAN!!!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Lifemare - **

You don't live a lifemare, it lives you

1986, USA, Black & White, 127 minutes

Written and directed by Peter Haste

Starring Peter Haste, Bob, McScruff

Art school student Peter Haste made this unique, dreamlike film about a daymare that he can't fall asleep from. Frightening over-exposed imagery and a discordant Casio score add a feeling of paranoia and bafflement to what was already disorienting and nonsensical. Naturally, Lifemare's biggest fans are the noisy ranks of art school students who shamelessly try to replicate it. These attempts are doomed to failure because of this foolish demographic's sneering disregard for the highlight of the film; Haste's dog, McScruff, who is living a parallel lifemare where cats are as big as houses and dog biscuits turn into spiders and climb into his brain.

Watch out for – the director's cut; which runs 212 minutes and includes the discarded Ghost Garden subplot.

Quote – "Reality's knocking on the door of my mind, but it's locked and I don't know who has the key. Maybe the Duke of the Wasteland? McScruff, shall we go and visit him?"

Reviewed by R.P.Thunderdunk

I've Got the Trots - *

Try to hold your laughter in!

1986, USA, Colour, 90 minutes

Directed by Carl Manheim. Written by Paulie Oakenfeld, Kyle T. Ghomes, Sal Pilly (script). Lois Nubar (story)

Starring Al Alman, Jolie Manheim, Pinto the Horse, The Hubert Trollings Five

An uneasy mixture of toilet humour and horse racing. A thief steals a Kentucky Derby horse from an Animal Hospital, not aware that it’s in there for severe diarrhoea. The film seems to exist solely due to the terrible pun in the title. There is a limit to how often you can see people being sprayed by a horse’s “bazooka colon”, and this film passes that point in the opening credits. The finale, where the horse uses its rectal rocket boost to win the Derby while coating the other racers in faeces is, frankly, repulsive.

Watch out for – Pornstar Corky Corvette playing a veterinarian - hired as a nod to her famous role in “Barnyard Escapades”.

Quote – “Ever since I stole you I’ve been in the s**t.” (Sorry, but that is the best joke in the film).

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Green Plant - ***1/2

Filthy little plant, take that!

1986, West Germany, Black & White, 97 minutess

Directed by Herrick Schmidt. Written by Gus Kleinberg

Starring David Meinerton

Kreddy just turned 19 and received his summons for military services, but fearing the harsh life of a German soldier he hides in deserted woodlands not far from the border with East Germany. Then, things start to happen that make the 5AM ice baths more attractive. If it was just the strange sounds and poisoned meat then I am sure Kreddy could have coped, but when the cruel taunting started, and, well, that just pushed him over the top. People do not always need blood or gore to get the adrenaline pumping, not when a finely turned phrase can get the same result

Educational lesson - The best horror films often use totally original plot or stories, then are mercilessly copied until you begin to hate the original film even though it was genuinely good.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito