Long Road to Bloody Death – **½

On the Eastern Front every bullet has your name written on it

1978, Austria, Colour, 86 minutes

Written and directed by Juan Schmidt

Starring F. Gallerti (captain), Jorg Altian, Bede Muller, Franck Nodeys , and JJ Smith

World War Two was hardly a love fest at the best of times, and even less so when Juan Schmidt's wild imagination writes, directs and produces what has been called a "bloodthirsty rampage through Europe with guns and blood". Based on a series of short stories from the war section of the pulp fiction market, Long Road to Bloody Death caught hold of the public's imagination in what is to this day is one of the few Austrian films to really do well in the EU and US markets. Turns out people really do like a bit of Nazi rough. Superior voice dubbing as well, which was a pleasant shock.

Quote – "Hans screamed as the knife slit his nasty throat"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Ferrous Rick – *

He put the “fe” in strife

1978 , US A, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Canter P. Angola. Written by Gordon Kilmeas, Clearance Gunthorpe

Starring Purdel O'Hara, Dorna Emil

To be a modern man is to suffer, and Rick the Iron Worker is no exception. His life is a constant series of humiliations; if its not sand in the face, then its itching powder in his jocks (making for some great visuals). One night, over a slice of pizza from the world's shittist pizza stand, our Everyman is visited by the Spirit of Iron who shows him the way to redemption through fisticuffs. Now before you say it, no, this isn't one of those hokey male-bonding-through-clubs-that-fight-and-have-stupid-rules movies. No, this is deep. This is Popeye live action, but without any of the tedious copyright discussions that such a film would entail.

Memorable line – “You will have to do more than grunt if you want me to stop punching you.”

Watch out for – The Spirit of Iron, who sort of looks like a young Jimmy Carter.

Awards Won – 1980 International Metals Industry Service Award

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Queue World - **

For those who wait, something will come

1978, USSR, Colour, 94 minutes

Written and directed by Nikolai Petrov.

Starring Boris Bure, Antonina Tolstya, Tatiana Bakzynyza

A surreal Soviet film about a fictional European country that can only be traversed by joining the various queues snaking across the countryside. While a rather obvious metaphor for the endless queuing due to food shortages and all-encompassing bureaucracy, director Petrov had a good reputation in the West, and had secretly sold distribution rights before filming started. Sadly, news of the subversive film’s plot leaked out and half way through the cast is replaced by rather thuggish looking Bolsheviks who perform bad anti-American stand up comedy for the remainder of the running time. A pity.

Watch out for – The forced laughter of the inmates of a Siberian gulag during the 'how many bourgeoisie does it take to turn an boulder to gravel' comedy routine.

Quote – “I heard that if you take this queue far enough you’ll come to a line for blue jeans.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk