Six Ways to Texas III – *

That Longhorn ain't smiling

1987, USA, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by U Ghant. Written by R Kal Fern

Starring Tommy Bacon, Lucy Garner, Jayden Soont

Before Texas became famous for Bush and illegal immigrants it was known as the home of the fiercest cattle in the world, the Longhorn. Historically they were the foundation of the wealth of Texas, shipped out to the Eastern cities by their millions. Why am I telling you this? Filler.

Filler is necessary when the studio forces an already tired film franchise to come back for one more showing. It isn't necessarily a bad concept – a road trip to Houston that goes terribly wrong when the pickup breaks down in the middle of a cattle drive – but how the hell it can be milked three times defies belief. However the real question is – how much did the local Cattle Rancher's Association sink into this series before they realised film making wasn't really for them?

Anyway. A high school prayer group are heading for the big meet in Houston. It has been a long hard season, but they've beaten the competition and now it's time for state finals. They've beaten the county and tri-county champs (I & II), and it seems like nothing can stop them. Nothing except Satan and a herd of angry cattle. Despite the slightly lame Christian premise this is a solid attempt at frat humour, but with high school kids.

Great moment – When Mr Collins parts the trail drive like the Red Sea then gets pelted with beer cans by the trailhands for blaspheming.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Felonious Monk - ***

He's the cat and a dog, dig

1964, USA, Black & White, 79 minutes

Directed by Mitchell T. Wallace. Written by Bek Topa

Starring Billy Ginsley, Lorela Jay, Hank Krebberly

Super hip crime caper about a beatnik monk/cat burglar who liberates the jewels from Upper East Side apartments. He has a small monastery in the caves under Central Park where he uses the jewels to create a set of bongos so powerful, God himself will lay down some beat poetry to explain the meaning of life. Complications include squares, the fuzz, and his parents.

Watch out for – God

Quote – “The answers are out there, daddy-o. In the small town gas stations, between the tired thumbs of some old plumber, in the walls of justice's halls...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk