Behind the Dish Washer - **1/2

Every boy becomes a man. Some are forced.

1976, Italy, Colour, 98 minutes

Directed by Benitto Carazi. Written by Benitto Carazi and Tingo Phelps

Starring Billy Polenta, Anna Peruzzi, Maria Carbona, Sonia Phelps

An intriguing horror film that delves into a repressed virginal teenager's fear of growing up but which, depending on your opinion, is either sunk or redeemed by its subplot. Brandon is an eighteen year-old who lives at home but refuses to load the dishwasher because he imagines a hideous creature lives behind it that wants to have sex with him while eating his face. The subplot about a horny witches coven (with much nudity and lesbianism) that Brandon is completely unaware of actually takes up the majority of the running time and has no connection to the rest of the film. Still, the story has a very heart warming denouement.

Watch out for – Brandon trying to buy a chastity belt using his mother's credit card.

Quote – "The spell requires bare flesh. All of you, throw your clothes in the fire."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Teeth - *

Before you are digested you pass through its TEETH

1981, USA/Honduras, Colour, 73 minutes

Directed by Gary Ploughman. Written by Lance Pitt, Kyle Horscholt, Len DeWitt

Starring Gary Ploughman Lance Pitt, Kyle Horscholt, Len DeWitt

Originally titled Squid! with a script written by romance novelist Bruno Timpani, this film started as another Jaws rip off before the special effects crew spent the entire film’s budget on a hydraulic set of teeth. Unfortunately squid don’t have teeth, and with no hope of being paid, all of the actors and most of the crew quit the film. Director Ploughman and a few members of the lighting team who had nothing else to do rewrote the film. They centered the action on a drunken night time picnic beside an ominous stream, and each played multiple roles rather badly.

Watch out for – A visual encyclopaedia of all the angles a hydraulic set of teeth can be shot from.

Quote – “We’re in the middle of the most dangerous game of snap in history!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Paid to Sex - **½

Me Happy Time Make You FUN!

1988, Japan/USA, Colour, 95 minutes

Directed by Mashimoto Mashimata. Written by Daryl Dweebly

Starring Yuko Mishima, ‘Teddy Bear’ Traylor, Kurt Kolder, The Camel Club’s Famous Dancing Humpettes

A charmingly naïve Japanese prostitute, Yumi, moves to Las Vegas and finds it quite different from the glittering paradise she imagined. But what seems like it will be just an American-based Japanese torture film (written by the editor of USA’s biggest fan magazine J-Tied), turns into a rabid mishmash of every Japanese film genre. A weird customer dies on Yumi, and the cybernetic suit that was possessing him takes her over…cue painful mutations, sword play, creepy children, giant monsters, long static shots of tea ceremonies, brutal violence to men’s groins, ninjas, alien invaders, Las Vegas showgirls becoming cat beasts, and some more torture. The result does not gel, but does have a nice soundtrack of ‘60s Japanese rock songs.

Watch out for – the famous “flicker scene”. Nearly every rental VHS in existence is damaged due to overplaying of the scene with a three second shot of Yumi’s left nipple.

Quote – “I like to make erection…hahaha for you to make. No me. Hahahaha.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Honey, I Dug Up Your Corpse - ***

Aren't you happy to see me?

1988, USA, Colour, 99 minutes

Written and directed by Gary Croami

Starring Billy Tyler, Roxy, Gary Arlaxyle, Timmy, Mindy, Kimmy, Tito, Tamara

Pity poor noble Murray. He goes to all the trouble to dig up his girlfriend (a former drug addict who found God) and anger his Lord by restoring her to life, only to find that she's shacked up in hell with her old boyfriend; a truck driver who died in a fiery crash when he was 35 and she was 14. And her ex wants his lady back. The Hell Trucks are a triumph of special effects imagination, and the central romance would make Tennessee Williams gasp, but the whole enterprise is let down by the bus load of orphans Murray has to repeatedly keep out of trouble.

Watch out for – the circling of the Hell Trucks scene.

Quote – "I need a volunteer to steady my shotgun. Which one of you kids has the flattest head?"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Tautology – *

Even parallel lines have a twist

2006, UK, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Ellison Wayne. Written by Artie Ore

Starring Mykalah Ash, Chad McCath, Candi Streed

More slop in the direct-to-DVD-psych101-puzzle-torture-pig's trough. In this iteration a mute killer, The Wordsmith, is kidnapping (despite having no arms) people who he's heard using his most despised verbal construct; the tautology. For The Wordsmith cannot speak, thus he is revolted by people rubbing his face in it by saying the same things twice. So he subjects his victims to a series of tautological word games, with a matching gruesome death for those who fail. And thus he makes himself feel better.

Watch out for – the ending which the filmmakers have to, by their own rules, fudge

Quote – "If Romita and Bolero are burned to death in succession one after the other, who should die former, who should die first, who later, and who last so the Bolero may live?"

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderunk

Arachnude - **1/2

You are the fly in her web of desire

1968, USA, Colour, 76 minutes

Directed by Bam Bamley. Written by Horatio Priese

Starring Lorna McGeist, Solomon Yurl, Gertrude Partridge

This forgotten drive-in film is a surprisingly sensitive tale of a repressed young woman who is cursed by her strict Catholic mother to turn into a tarantula whenever she’s sexually aroused. Unfortunately for the town of Spokane, the young woman has clinical nymphomania. Plenty of nudity, unfortunately not all of it is desirable; one scene shows us former silent film star Gertrude Partridge (playing the mother) in an latex nun costume. And that’s why drive-ins died.

Watch out for – The trip to the Doctor, where our hero is diagnosed with “Hysterical Wantonalism”.

Quote – “Hey baby, you need to shave those legs…all EIGHT OF THEM. Blargh.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Ethno Attack! – **

Frights! Bites! Rights!

2007, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Directed by Daniel Davidson. Written by Ken Solmon, Smithfield Kraft

Starring Missy Loose, P.K. French, Harlan Gearey

A small school is attacked by wave upon wave of crazed zombie immigrants demanding entrance in order to eat the succulent flesh of the children and teachers in a new take on the traditional "outpost of civilisation under attack" story. Well sort of, until 40 minutes in when the zombies demand court intervention to help them overcome the makeshift barricades. Will the courts say yes to multiculturalism and no to the right not to be eaten? Such weighty questions are thrown at the audience in what is a strange attempt at contemporary political humour crossed with biting social commentary.

The problem with this kind of film is that sometimes they try to be too clever and end up with a confused message. Are we really meant to hate immigrants, or are they being ironic? Are we meant to weigh up the intolerance of the community compared to the needs of all residents; immigrant, zombie, or citizen? Perhaps there is no correct answer and we are just meant to walk away confused yet deep in thought, in which case bravo and how timely! The untimely death of the director, writers and producers in a light plane crash soon after hitting the film festival circuit means that we will probably never have resolution. Sure makes you think.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

C.O.Boo! – **

The silent killer that we invited to dinner

1992, Germany/USA, Colour, 98 minutes

Written and directed by Horace Tigler

Starring John Daily, Alisha Kargath, Gerphart Grant

Back in the heady days of the 1990s the world was looking for a new enemy, a new threat to marshal resources against, something to really get the blood boiling since the Warsaw Pact had evaporated into a haze of self loathing. A number of pretenders arose, ranging from rap music to the UN but while gangsters and the New World Order are a little creepy, they are tired, just a new iteration of the Mafia/Frank Sinatra and the Communist International.

Imagine a killer who can enter any building, pierce any armour and who knows no mercy, yes, Carbon! Critics were divided as to whether this was a beautiful demonstration of the power of the B or C film industry to quickly re-orientate to the latest fashions, or a shameless hijacking of a good cause. Of course it didn't hurt that the costs of filming death by invisible gas is far less than say an axe welding maniac (no fake blood needed) or that stock science lab footage is cheaper than filming original scenes or even the side point that death by breathing problem demands plenty of hot, sexy attempted resuscitation sequences. When the fundamentals stack up like this there really isn't any need for a solid plot or good acting (not that John Daily is anything but a gentleman!).

Great Line – "As an asthmatic I find Carbon a force for rights equalisation rather than so called 'death dealing'."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

I’m Dead and I Can’t Get Up - *

What would you do in such a difficult situation?

1974, Philippines, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Jose Aquino (as Hitchcock Spielberg). Written by Hero Martinez (as I.A.L. Hecht)

Starring Madrigal Jose, Cogie Abalayan, Carmencita Mercado, Barry Jones

An unexciting Filipino zombie film set in a physical rehabilitation clinic. Crudely spliced in American actors and attempts to pass Manilla off as Los Angeles add unintentional comedy relief. But the film can’t overcome the lacklustre premise of immobile zombies. In a zombie apocalypse would this many people really wander through an empty rehab clinic?

Watch out for – An old shack sporting a ‘Capitol Records’ sign.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Ghosts of Greater Boise - ***

Exclusive to VHS

1984, USA, Colour, 63 minutes

No writer or director credited

The ghosts of the metropolitan Boise area were well chronicled in the smash documentary Spirits of Boise . To cash in on that hit, a fly-by-night video production company made this disturbing knock off, focusing on the ghost of Boise's surrounding areas. While everyone thought that Spirits of Boise was a bit of a lark, this film puts the grimy willies into anyone foolish enough to watch it. The grainy video, amateur narration, and copious amounts of real ghosts are enough to make even the strongest man long for an episode of The Golden Girls. The origins of the tape are hotly debated; the most popular theory is that Spirit of Boise's producers commissioned it as an expensive prank during their cocaine-fueled post-success period. We're not convinced of that.

Watch out for – what happens when they turn the lights off in the Pressford farm's barn.

Quote – "Oh God....oh God.....oh God...."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Green Plant - ***1/2

Filthy little plant, take that!

1986, West Germany, Black & White, 97 minutess

Directed by Herrick Schmidt. Written by Gus Kleinberg

Starring David Meinerton

Kreddy just turned 19 and received his summons for military services, but fearing the harsh life of a German soldier he hides in deserted woodlands not far from the border with East Germany. Then, things start to happen that make the 5AM ice baths more attractive. If it was just the strange sounds and poisoned meat then I am sure Kreddy could have coped, but when the cruel taunting started, and, well, that just pushed him over the top. People do not always need blood or gore to get the adrenaline pumping, not when a finely turned phrase can get the same result

Educational lesson - The best horror films often use totally original plot or stories, then are mercilessly copied until you begin to hate the original film even though it was genuinely good.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Hemp Rope II – **

Better than Hemp Rope I

1988, Canada , Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Gus Yillomonte. Written by Neal Phillipe

Starring Hudson Smacker, Jane Frelitie, Aaron Whyte

The Hangman is one of my favourite movie villains. Not because he is necessarily a well developed character, or even that scary, but because of the purity of his theme. Not for him magical dream powers to kill children in their dreams, no, he just hangs you. The world needs more believable villains like this. So in some ways it is a pity that Hemp Rope II doesn't deliver on this promise, in fact at some points I almost began to suspect this film was less of a horror and more of a determined effort by the hemp lobby to promote their product. The loving close-ups of the rope fibre, the random 15 minute visit to the rope factory, the grudging admiration of the victims when the noose didn't break all make me suspicious.

Best line – “Feel the smooth suppleness of my rope!”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito