The Gaunt Man - *

Henry doesn't like you, and wants you dead

1984, USA/UK, Colour, 128 minutes

Directed by Henry St John. Written by Henry St John, Reggie Wiknit, Hank "Ghastly" Rastly

Starring Peter Holdan, Mercy Jones, Lucy Brown

Or does he? Another stupid mystery thriller that has a great title but doesn't deliver. So far as can be seen the plot involves Henry, a shadowy figure who kills his enemies. Why? It is never explained. All we ever find out is that he constructs elaborate kill sequences that even the most inept investigator could track down. Yet they don't. It is almost like there is a conspiracy of stupid that includes the actors and the production crew in what can only be described as a mystery for jerks who don't much mind being patronised to by fools.

Great line or moment – none

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Forthright Cliché – ***1/2

You know where this is going, darling

1955, USA, Black & White,

Directed by Arthur Garvin. Written by Alan Rys, Daniel Maher, Trick Jones (strictly for marketing purposes)

Starring Trick Jones, Suzanne Leonardo, Kipper Smith

What makes a leading man click with the public? Is it the chiselled jaw? The witty off-the-cuff remarks? The ease of seduction? Or is it all about solid dialogue and well chosen roles? After watching Forthright, what some would call the seminal Trick Jones opus, I'd say a mixture of all three.

As the above breathless commentary suggests, this film has it all, and by all I mean 1950s American beefcake (that was born in Britain but you'd only know because he was knighted later on in life by that Jones fanboy of fanboys, HRH). Which no doubt was the main draw card at the time. But in the modern world women and men demand a more defined visage and so the movie must stand more upon things other than a pretty face. And it does.

Gordon Smith does something at the Mill, something that gives him time to lounge about wearing sharp suits and chatting up the secretaries. So he's probably the boss's idiot nephew or something. But he has another mistress, one that doesn't wear a low cut blouse. Yes, Gordon is an alcoholic, but the good kind, one who solves crime. I could go on for hours, but why, when you really came just to see a blurred still of Jones leaning on the bar?

Quotable – "Ma'am, the only list you forgot today was the one with my name on it. Next to yours."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

A Swansong Too Far - ***½

Toe tapping mystery at its best!

1970, UK, Colour, 94 minutes

Directed by Gan Hertford. Written by Jimmy Shank

Starring Allen Kinderson, Marie Forthworth, Lulu Brown

Blackpool's most reputable Music Hall is wracked by mystery. Who is stalking Lady Bloomer? Who is frightening the Pantomine Horse? Why have all the pianos suddenly gone out of tune? In a delightful 94 minutes Jarvis takes us through the drama of these mysteries while also pouring out his great love for the proud British tradition of the music hall, then, as now, a dying art-form. It turns out that the ticket seller did it.

Great moment – when the snatch squad from the local police station have to pretend to be a chorus line in order to prevent a riot.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Edible Mask - **1/2

Who is behind the mask?

2000, USA, Colour, 104 minutes

Directed by Lou Wrighter. Written by Gervis Granthelm

Starring Susan Aarnoldson, Jim Sagem, Mittens (the cat)

Who is behind the mask? A simple mystery allegedly adapted from a folk tale from Denmark, The Edible Mask takes the audience on a long, sometimes just plain strange journey through the mind of a woman who wishes to become a chef. Just a pity that somebody doesn't want her to! The nice thing about the story is we never really find out who or why this person or people so oppose her career choice. All we know is that they are willing to do nearly anything to stop her, bar murder or physical injury. This being the first of what was fondly hoped to be a new genre of violence free mysteries!

Best line – “All I want to do is to bring the meat and three veg back to America, why do you hate me?” Sadly, her cat couldn't answer that impassioned question.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito