Synergy: A Tale in Two Parts - *1/2

Drugs, women, greed, old school tie

2005, USA/UK, Colour, 103 minutes

Directed by Rickardus Mahoney

Starring Sapphire Philips, John Furie, Bill Furie, Lazy Smith and Julie Green as Dean Anderson

Encouraged by tales of corporate greed in the late 1990s three men go to college to study to learn the skills necessary to become a success. This simple premise established the story quickly departs into a swirling vortex of greed, education and furious sculling down the old river flat. A curious juxtaposition of college stereotypes takes up the majority of the film, which sadly leaves precious little room for the much promised stock-market heist or indeed an explanation of the title. Is it trying to be cute? Smart? Ironic?

Watch out for – During the lunchtime theatre scene in the second act there is a pause while everyone looks expectantly at the stable door. It was the perfect moment for a pantomime horse to walk out but the director didn't have the cojones to do the right thing.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Offal and Tears - **

Today’s Recipe: Pastry, Kidney, Peas, Fingers

1927, UK, Black & White, 54 minutes

Written and directed by Sir Malcolm Killingham

Starring Brycie Gord, Stanley Turkle, Betty Higho, Twirly Swordfish

A piquant, mouth watering expose of the 1920s British meat processing industry. Sure, many meatworkers lose fingers and toes, but they look like tasty gentlemen marinated in the smells and fumes of Britain’s finest slaughterhouses. The love stories are strong, the thick pastries are appetising, and this reviewer went straight from the screening to a merchant of meat-filled delicacies. A rare example of a film succeeding where it hoped to fail.

Watch out for – the way that cute Dorchester gal wields a spatula. Yum!

Quote – “News from the plant dearie; only got to lose one more finger and I get a lifetime pension.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Gaunt Man - *

Henry doesn't like you, and wants you dead

1984, USA/UK, Colour, 128 minutes

Directed by Henry St John. Written by Henry St John, Reggie Wiknit, Hank "Ghastly" Rastly

Starring Peter Holdan, Mercy Jones, Lucy Brown

Or does he? Another stupid mystery thriller that has a great title but doesn't deliver. So far as can be seen the plot involves Henry, a shadowy figure who kills his enemies. Why? It is never explained. All we ever find out is that he constructs elaborate kill sequences that even the most inept investigator could track down. Yet they don't. It is almost like there is a conspiracy of stupid that includes the actors and the production crew in what can only be described as a mystery for jerks who don't much mind being patronised to by fools.

Great line or moment – none

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Classy and Discrete - ***

Goes together like cheatin' and Eton

1967, UK, Colour, 113 minutes

Directed by Nigel Attenwood. Written by Bryce Salmonds

Starring Farley Grant, Lewis Adie, Maxwell Pointer

When Lord Antrim dies his three sons are shocked to discover that he's gambled everything away, bar the country estate. With no real talents of their own aside from being droll Oxford wits, they turn the family estate into a ultra high class Gigolarium hoping to make money and find rich, desperate wives. But things go awry when hippy shopgirl Carly Scluffert organises a big rock concert on the ground the same night as the Brighton Ladies Knitting Club is booked in. Good fun, and the Lewd Lords are a great house band.

Watch out for – the painfully amusing dildo scene when the elder Antrim brother tries to talk Scluffert out of the concert with discounted sex; a rich comic metaphor for the changing power structures of Britain.

Quote – “I'd be able to sit down if the mortgage payment wasn't due tomorrow.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

An Uncomplicated Athlete - *½

Winning was the only thing on his mind

1974, UK, Colour, 96 minutes

Directed by Fyodor Royal. Written by Darwin Ellis

Starring Terrence Freds, Barnanby Toft, Barbara Regal

A grim drama about professional footballer Barry Cullins (Terrence Freds) who literally cares only about the game. The first half of the film sets up several juicy reasons for his state of mind, from failed love affairs to fatherly over ambition to overtraining-related hallucinations. Viewers may not stick with the film in the second half when it’s revealed that his obsession is due simply to being a bit dim. Close equivalent: watching an actual footballer being interviewed.

Watch out for – the teeth and the haircuts.

Quote – “Ooo cares about dat war, eh? Vietnamers aren’t no good at football, woof, their team right stinks.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Awfully Sorry - ***

Being meek just became the ultimate power trip

1976, UK, Colour, 93 minutes

Directed by Cubby Stanley. Written by Harry Hochley

Starring Derrick Biggers, Gertrude Watts, Tyler Ironovic

An interesting, if overly ridiculous, thriller about a meek British law clerk who is put upon by workmates and his overbearing mother and always forced to apologise, even when he's not at fault. He begins to view apologising as his only source of power, and becomes addicted to the thrill of it. He starts putting himself in more and more dangerous situations so the apology will make him feel more powerful, but will he be stopped before he commits the ultimate apologisable act: murder?

Watch out for – that wild scene at the punk rock concert.

Quote – “I'm awfully sorry that happened to your knickers, ma'am.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Tautology – *

Even parallel lines have a twist

2006, UK, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Ellison Wayne. Written by Artie Ore

Starring Mykalah Ash, Chad McCath, Candi Streed

More slop in the direct-to-DVD-psych101-puzzle-torture-pig's trough. In this iteration a mute killer, The Wordsmith, is kidnapping (despite having no arms) people who he's heard using his most despised verbal construct; the tautology. For The Wordsmith cannot speak, thus he is revolted by people rubbing his face in it by saying the same things twice. So he subjects his victims to a series of tautological word games, with a matching gruesome death for those who fail. And thus he makes himself feel better.

Watch out for – the ending which the filmmakers have to, by their own rules, fudge

Quote – "If Romita and Bolero are burned to death in succession one after the other, who should die former, who should die first, who later, and who last so the Bolero may live?"

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderunk

Donnybrook Farm - ***

More fun than a barrel of nuns!

1964, UK, Colour, 100 minutes

Directed by Clyde Brywry. Written by Man Harrison

Starring Argyle Bartwright, Tom Smith, Georgie O'Hallahan, Sam Dirkens

Before Fight Club made organised fisticuffs a past time suitable only for angsty schizophrenics, Donnybrook Farm showed that a good-natured weekend of setting-to was just what stressed men of all social strata needed. The plot is set in motion through a tensely humorous ten minutes of expositional grudgery, pitting merchants against workers, and workers against waifs. When the police put a stop to what would be the biggest brawl in Edinburgh history, Farmer Clemsly says the immortal words; "Boys, we can fight on my farm!" What follows is 90 minutes of high-spirited brawling which end once everyone has punched their animosities away.

Watch out for – the classic "Dog's Bucket Routine"

Quote – "Aye, Colin. That 'twas a fine haymaker that I didnae see comin'."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Nebula Escapade - ***1/2

See the stars in stunning black & white!

1928, UK, Black & White, 37 minutes

Written and directed by Thedderidge White

Starring Jimmy B. Blime, Connie Tine

Comedian Blime stars as a hapless astronomer who, while working late one night on the world’s most powerful British telescope, makes an error in his calculations and zaps himself and the observatory’s cleaning lady (Tine) into the closest nebula. They have several humorous escapades as they run from place to place in the nebula encountering curious species and solving their problems. The surprise is that Tine proves to be the more useful of the two, having voluminous amounts of distasteful East End back alley knowledge at her disposal. Some say this film has dated, but writer/director White’s technique of basing his aliens on recognisable ethnic minorities is still very much in use today

Watch out for – the scene where Tine shows the ladies of Omnipharlax-B how to abort unwanted parasitic brain babies with a rusty space fork.

Quote – “It’s misty up here, like back in the East End. I hope there’s no Star Ripper, I really do hope. Cause I be hard up for money.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderunk

A Swansong Too Far - ***½

Toe tapping mystery at its best!

1970, UK, Colour, 94 minutes

Directed by Gan Hertford. Written by Jimmy Shank

Starring Allen Kinderson, Marie Forthworth, Lulu Brown

Blackpool's most reputable Music Hall is wracked by mystery. Who is stalking Lady Bloomer? Who is frightening the Pantomine Horse? Why have all the pianos suddenly gone out of tune? In a delightful 94 minutes Jarvis takes us through the drama of these mysteries while also pouring out his great love for the proud British tradition of the music hall, then, as now, a dying art-form. It turns out that the ticket seller did it.

Great moment – when the snatch squad from the local police station have to pretend to be a chorus line in order to prevent a riot.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Eastern Approach - *

The World is an interesting place

1955, UK, Black & White

Directed by Sir Conrad Gaulieter. Written by John Smith (is this the English pseudonym for "too embarrassed to own up"?)

Starring Ryan Grant, Analise Grant, and Rogert Michaelhouse as Stalin

Fitzroy Maclean's autobiographical work on his adventures in Soviet Central Asia and then later, WW2, has long been a favourite of young adults and twenty-something cynics. His heroic tale of travel, war and devious tricks should in theory have made a great film. It didn't. But then in all fairness that was more due to terrible casting, script writing, direction, strange and pointless plot twists and terribly low production values. Is it any wonder Maclean wanted to sue the production company?

Great moment – When Maclean beats Stalin at chess, at drinking, then at love making. We are almost sure this doesn't happen in the book, but you have to admire anyone who belittles Stalin's reputation.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Cripsey! - ***

What he done again?

1998, India/UK, Colour, 287 minutes

Directed by Rufus Grillings. Written by V M Sakhal

Starring Rakisha Vernon, Billy Tyler

After graduating from Oxbridge, the finest university in United Britain, John Fuller has been sent to India to make his fortune. Pity no one told him the Raj finished 50 years ago! After a humorous series of misunderstandings and near misses with the good people of Bangalore a local man about town rescues him and shows him the joys of Modern India. Together they team up to lead the Indian cricket team as it prepares for the biggest match of the year. Never underestimate the appeal of a cross cultural buddy comedy!

Watch out for – After a misunderstanding with the film's financiers, money ran low for a period, which explains the inexplicably long scenes in the restaurant, then later in the restaurant toilets.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito