That's Big of You - ***

The Atomic Age's Greatest Nightmare: A Cruel Woman

1955, USA, Black & White, 83 minutes

Directed by Lance Wooton. Written by Tay Cropper

Starring Sterling Barfellow, Barbara Foxhill, Cal Ashwood

Lloyd Tolliver is a brilliant but meek atomic scientist whose lab does weapons research for the military. So focused is he on his work that when his dashing business partner begins an affair with his wife he limply stands aside so that it doesn't interfere with the research. But when the calculating couple steal the research money and escape to Los Angeles, Tolliver's switch is flipped. He injects himself with Genetic Radiation (aka Gen-Rad), grows to the size of a modest office building and goes on a revengenous rampage. He is eventually stopped by Navy Frogmen who lay mines in his left ventricle.

Watch out for – chaos at Soviet Science Headquarters when as they watch, via satellite, America's "Gen-Rad Super Beast" running amok. Never have so many ham actors run into the same wall in mock terror.

Quote – "He wanted to give his life to science, and now his pickled organs will educate the young in science museums across America."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Classy and Discrete - ***

Goes together like cheatin' and Eton

1967, UK, Colour, 113 minutes

Directed by Nigel Attenwood. Written by Bryce Salmonds

Starring Farley Grant, Lewis Adie, Maxwell Pointer

When Lord Antrim dies his three sons are shocked to discover that he's gambled everything away, bar the country estate. With no real talents of their own aside from being droll Oxford wits, they turn the family estate into a ultra high class Gigolarium hoping to make money and find rich, desperate wives. But things go awry when hippy shopgirl Carly Scluffert organises a big rock concert on the ground the same night as the Brighton Ladies Knitting Club is booked in. Good fun, and the Lewd Lords are a great house band.

Watch out for – the painfully amusing dildo scene when the elder Antrim brother tries to talk Scluffert out of the concert with discounted sex; a rich comic metaphor for the changing power structures of Britain.

Quote – “I'd be able to sit down if the mortgage payment wasn't due tomorrow.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Montreal Honeymoon - ***

At last – the greatest love story ever told is told

1946, USA, Black & White, 74 minutes

Written and directed by Martin Wing

Starring Bertha Markowitz, Louis Hors

This romantic drama could have been a true masterpiece, if real-life romance hadn’t conspired against writer/director Martin Wing. Superstars Harlan Willoughby and Victoria Lacane dropped out of the project (to elope to Paraguay) and the film was dropped by Summit Studios. Wing didn't give up on his dream project, and managed to personally finance it ten years later. Opinions vary as to whether he was working as a travelling salesman to save money for his project or if he was living under a Montreal underpass and stole a camera from a news crew then cast two people living in a bus shelter (this story even claims he carried around a tattered copy of the script which he would read at least ten times a day). Still others say that he was a cinema verite master and the story of his homelessness was part of a campaign by European critics to diminish the contribution of American filmmakers to this movement. Whatever the truth is, despite the poor acting and sudden camera cuts whenever a siren is heard, the quality of Wing’s script shines through and the film is both bittersweet and unusually romantic.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Funny Fist - ***

The lighter side of violence

1983, Hong Kong, Colour, 90 minutes

Directed by Leonardos Ho. No writer credited.

Starring Jackie Lee, Ron Goldman, Kwok Van Heller, John Lee Rocker

Painfully funny kung fu farce starring Jackie Lee, the scandalously neglected heir to the thrones of Brute Lee, Jocky Chan, Jackie Pan, and Bruce Eel. Lee stars as Jackie, the only remaining student of a kung fu school that teaches the Funny Fist: a technique of unrivalled power in bringing laughter to one's enemies and peace to children and old women. But his dubious martial background makes him unwanted by the kung fu fighting advnturers he hopes to explore the world with, so he toils away in his home village violently entertaining children. When Dutch marauders hit town while all the other warriors are away questing, it gives him the chance to prove himself. Cue a heady stream of Dutch puns, fart jokes, prat falls, a brilliant “Tulip Fever” marketplace routine, and the greatest unicycle fight scene in history. But ... Sterm, the leader of the Dutch villains, is known as The Man Who Never Laughs. Can Jackie tickle his ribs?

Watch out for – the classic closing freeze frame on a grinning Sterm.

Quote – “I want an encore even though it means getting hit again.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Crikey, Sheila - ***

Bloody hell woman!!!

1986, Australia, Colour, 88 minutes

Directed by Lobo Cluggins. Written by Tingo Malinga

Starring Matty Green, Sharon Ockley

An amusing Aussie comedy about a hapless carpenter with “the dizziest wife in the state”. Oh, that Sheila and the problems she causes Murray. Those problems go from crazy to zany when they decide to buy a rundown outback pub and restore it to its former glory. Lovers of slapstick and pratfalls and impossible-to-overuse catchphrases will love this one.

Watch out for – the installation of the grand staircase, which should have Chaplin crying in his pinebox.

Quote – What else could it be but “Crickey, Sheila”?

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Surviving the Net – ***

Information is powerful, and the Internet is a killer

2005, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Written and directed by Jimmy "lolz" Kant

Starring P. K. French, Veere Illyonich

Generally when a filmmaker attempts to incorporate the internet or computers into a project bad things happen. Think The Net and You've Got M@il. With so much to live up to Surviving could have been incredibly bad, like with lame graphical representations of people typing stuff into search engines. Happily a glorious ensemble of physical humour and ultraviolence quickly ensures that the focus of the film is events, not technology. Plus there are all kinds of deliciously loaded lines which will leave the audience groaning with delight. When hero Jack single handily uses his mad hacking skills to remove the pants of his nemesis while said nemesis is at an important business meeting you can't help but cheer at the screen.

Quote - “I'll phreak you all ways to Friday before I make you wish it was still Monday so you could start all over....you're a chick, right?"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Caged and the Craven - ***

Steel can cleave hearts magic cannot touch

1986, Italy, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Marucs Cartwright (Gila Fufi). Written by Jorge Lourderer

Starring Steve Porter, Wrightman Carweather, Tila Nonez

When powerful (but annoyingly sensitive) wizards liberate a mystical city from a Demon Lord, they are too scared to immediately release any of the kick ass barbarians held in the city's jails. Instead they subject them to a series of magical tortures to pacify them prior to their assimilation into the new, enlightened society. It works temporarily, but after living in a city full of self-righteous jerks for about two days their awesomely violent nature is re-awakened and they crush the wizards in satisfying fashion. Fun.

Watch out for – that odd subplot about the giant snake in the sewers. It goes nowhere.

Quote – “No man puts quiche recipes in my mind. NO MAN!!!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Awfully Sorry - ***

Being meek just became the ultimate power trip

1976, UK, Colour, 93 minutes

Directed by Cubby Stanley. Written by Harry Hochley

Starring Derrick Biggers, Gertrude Watts, Tyler Ironovic

An interesting, if overly ridiculous, thriller about a meek British law clerk who is put upon by workmates and his overbearing mother and always forced to apologise, even when he's not at fault. He begins to view apologising as his only source of power, and becomes addicted to the thrill of it. He starts putting himself in more and more dangerous situations so the apology will make him feel more powerful, but will he be stopped before he commits the ultimate apologisable act: murder?

Watch out for – that wild scene at the punk rock concert.

Quote – “I'm awfully sorry that happened to your knickers, ma'am.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Honey, I Dug Up Your Corpse - ***

Aren't you happy to see me?

1988, USA, Colour, 99 minutes

Written and directed by Gary Croami

Starring Billy Tyler, Roxy, Gary Arlaxyle, Timmy, Mindy, Kimmy, Tito, Tamara

Pity poor noble Murray. He goes to all the trouble to dig up his girlfriend (a former drug addict who found God) and anger his Lord by restoring her to life, only to find that she's shacked up in hell with her old boyfriend; a truck driver who died in a fiery crash when he was 35 and she was 14. And her ex wants his lady back. The Hell Trucks are a triumph of special effects imagination, and the central romance would make Tennessee Williams gasp, but the whole enterprise is let down by the bus load of orphans Murray has to repeatedly keep out of trouble.

Watch out for – the circling of the Hell Trucks scene.

Quote – "I need a volunteer to steady my shotgun. Which one of you kids has the flattest head?"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Donnybrook Farm - ***

More fun than a barrel of nuns!

1964, UK, Colour, 100 minutes

Directed by Clyde Brywry. Written by Man Harrison

Starring Argyle Bartwright, Tom Smith, Georgie O'Hallahan, Sam Dirkens

Before Fight Club made organised fisticuffs a past time suitable only for angsty schizophrenics, Donnybrook Farm showed that a good-natured weekend of setting-to was just what stressed men of all social strata needed. The plot is set in motion through a tensely humorous ten minutes of expositional grudgery, pitting merchants against workers, and workers against waifs. When the police put a stop to what would be the biggest brawl in Edinburgh history, Farmer Clemsly says the immortal words; "Boys, we can fight on my farm!" What follows is 90 minutes of high-spirited brawling which end once everyone has punched their animosities away.

Watch out for – the classic "Dog's Bucket Routine"

Quote – "Aye, Colin. That 'twas a fine haymaker that I didnae see comin'."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Felonious Monk - ***

He's the cat and a dog, dig

1964, USA, Black & White, 79 minutes

Directed by Mitchell T. Wallace. Written by Bek Topa

Starring Billy Ginsley, Lorela Jay, Hank Krebberly

Super hip crime caper about a beatnik monk/cat burglar who liberates the jewels from Upper East Side apartments. He has a small monastery in the caves under Central Park where he uses the jewels to create a set of bongos so powerful, God himself will lay down some beat poetry to explain the meaning of life. Complications include squares, the fuzz, and his parents.

Watch out for – God

Quote – “The answers are out there, daddy-o. In the small town gas stations, between the tired thumbs of some old plumber, in the walls of justice's halls...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Ghosts of Greater Boise - ***

Exclusive to VHS

1984, USA, Colour, 63 minutes

No writer or director credited

The ghosts of the metropolitan Boise area were well chronicled in the smash documentary Spirits of Boise . To cash in on that hit, a fly-by-night video production company made this disturbing knock off, focusing on the ghost of Boise's surrounding areas. While everyone thought that Spirits of Boise was a bit of a lark, this film puts the grimy willies into anyone foolish enough to watch it. The grainy video, amateur narration, and copious amounts of real ghosts are enough to make even the strongest man long for an episode of The Golden Girls. The origins of the tape are hotly debated; the most popular theory is that Spirit of Boise's producers commissioned it as an expensive prank during their cocaine-fueled post-success period. We're not convinced of that.

Watch out for – what happens when they turn the lights off in the Pressford farm's barn.

Quote – "Oh God....oh God.....oh God...."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Cripsey! - ***

What he done again?

1998, India/UK, Colour, 287 minutes

Directed by Rufus Grillings. Written by V M Sakhal

Starring Rakisha Vernon, Billy Tyler

After graduating from Oxbridge, the finest university in United Britain, John Fuller has been sent to India to make his fortune. Pity no one told him the Raj finished 50 years ago! After a humorous series of misunderstandings and near misses with the good people of Bangalore a local man about town rescues him and shows him the joys of Modern India. Together they team up to lead the Indian cricket team as it prepares for the biggest match of the year. Never underestimate the appeal of a cross cultural buddy comedy!

Watch out for – After a misunderstanding with the film's financiers, money ran low for a period, which explains the inexplicably long scenes in the restaurant, then later in the restaurant toilets.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito