Behind the Dish Washer - **1/2

Every boy becomes a man. Some are forced.

1976, Italy, Colour, 98 minutes

Directed by Benitto Carazi. Written by Benitto Carazi and Tingo Phelps

Starring Billy Polenta, Anna Peruzzi, Maria Carbona, Sonia Phelps

An intriguing horror film that delves into a repressed virginal teenager's fear of growing up but which, depending on your opinion, is either sunk or redeemed by its subplot. Brandon is an eighteen year-old who lives at home but refuses to load the dishwasher because he imagines a hideous creature lives behind it that wants to have sex with him while eating his face. The subplot about a horny witches coven (with much nudity and lesbianism) that Brandon is completely unaware of actually takes up the majority of the running time and has no connection to the rest of the film. Still, the story has a very heart warming denouement.

Watch out for – Brandon trying to buy a chastity belt using his mother's credit card.

Quote – "The spell requires bare flesh. All of you, throw your clothes in the fire."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Caged and the Craven - ***

Steel can cleave hearts magic cannot touch

1986, Italy, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Marucs Cartwright (Gila Fufi). Written by Jorge Lourderer

Starring Steve Porter, Wrightman Carweather, Tila Nonez

When powerful (but annoyingly sensitive) wizards liberate a mystical city from a Demon Lord, they are too scared to immediately release any of the kick ass barbarians held in the city's jails. Instead they subject them to a series of magical tortures to pacify them prior to their assimilation into the new, enlightened society. It works temporarily, but after living in a city full of self-righteous jerks for about two days their awesomely violent nature is re-awakened and they crush the wizards in satisfying fashion. Fun.

Watch out for – that odd subplot about the giant snake in the sewers. It goes nowhere.

Quote – “No man puts quiche recipes in my mind. NO MAN!!!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Presence of Mynd - ***½

Existence in the blink of a high

1984, Italy, Colour, 157 minutes

Directed by Serito Pantoni. Written by Mantino Motto

Starring Humberto Ilago, Sabina Frida, Nunzio Drahma, Takahito Azuma

The earth is merely the hallucinations of a wizard high on a drug called Mynd. Parts of the world begin to disappear when the wizard's parents send him to a detox centre. It's up to a rag-tag group of heroes (a big game hunter, a samurai, a Colombian drug lord, and a beat poet) to travel out of the wizard's mind to his world and try to keep him high. Sadly the genre of sorcery-related metaphysical adventure never caught on outside of the town halls of Sicily, the only place Pantoni's films have ever screened.

Watch out for – the scene where our heroes are shoved into a waiting room with other hallucinations of detoxing Mynd addicts.

Quote – “I thought we were special, but there's nothing special about drugs. Other than the ability to imagine entire worlds and civilisations.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Dear Sir, I Am Going To Kill You All – **

Someone's been a naughty boy

1961, USA/Italy, Black & White, 92 minutes

Directed by Juan Smith. Written by H.R.A. Mervi

Starring Gus "Gussy" Trini, Peter Charles

A much-loved teacher nears his well-earned retirement and begins planning his new life as a professional loiterer, when a phone call changes his life. He is now the target of a vicious killer, who will stop at nothing in order to kill beloved teacher. What could a man so well loved have done to deserve such a fate? Well, despite the occasional hint, we never really know. But we are treated to a smorgasbord of chilling phone conversations and the occasional alleyway confrontation, and when done well, this is quite enough excitement for this reviewer!

Trivia – Apparently inspired by early civil rights campaigners, although god knows how or indeed why

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

An Absurd Touch – **

Love burns like lightning, with a touch of the absurd

2003, Italy, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by G. Dellato. Written by Ales Mariont

Starring Jules Pertoni, Maria Kuminoz

Maree and Thomas are a lovable young couple who decide to move from a small country town to the big city in order to save their marriage. After all, if ready access to hip jazz bars and espresso joints will not revive a relationship then what will? The initial promise of this film was great, who could fail to be moved by the awkward tenderness displayed by Thomas as he eats his first pain au chocolat to the gentle amusement of his fellow customers. Sadly this is about as good as it gets, as a succession of tired clichés are trotted out for the amusement and education of the audience. The card sharp, the Big Issue salesman, the surly kebab cart owner and the heavily made up teenage girls are all paraded about like this can somehow make up for a plot, or proper characterisation.

Moment of amusement – Maree taking fashion advice from the local three card monte hustler. Turns out one can never have enough glitter.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Crisp Lapels - *

Smooth surface, fierce undertow

1954, Italy, Black & White, 134 minutes

Written and directed Jorge Balaloba

Starring Talgada Ferri, Calderoza Bertuno, Frerita Frerrer

The thoroughly depressing “realisimo” tale of a poor man who spends his family's weekly food budget on lapel cripener so he can look presentable in a job interview. He loses out on the job to the boss's playboy son and spirals downwards into depression, madness, suicide, zombie wandering, family eating, lapel floppery, and eventual quarantine on a rapidly melting iceberg. Only the third act's religious hallucinations give this any sort of 'what the fuck' entertainment value.

Watch out for – the only known film footage of legendary lapel crisper sales man 'Solapa' Manzinni.

Quote – “Surface. Melting surface. In the sun you are no better than the sea.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk