Elbows, Knees and Death - **½

You’ll be Lucky to Leave the Theatre With Teeth, Mate

1975, Australia, Colour, 72 minutes

Written and directed by Bruno and Mark Taylor.

Starring Bruno Taylor, Mark Taylor, Laura Taylor

Super low budget martial arts film that makes up for its lack of script, acting, lighting, sets, costumes, continuity, direction, and music with some of the most energetic fight scenes of the 1970s. Outback Martial Arts champion Bruno Taylor and his twin brother Mark star as medieval warriors flung into the future who must rescue a princess (played by their sister) from a metal fortress. In their way are, due to casting restrictions, numerous clones (all of this is explained by narration). What sets this film apart is the absolute ferocity with which Bruno and Mark attack each other. Filmed in sequence, you can actually see the brutal physical toll the filming takes on the hapless stars.

Watch out for – Bruno repeatedly breaking character while holding back tears of rage and shoving a land deed in Mark’s face.

Quote – “Crikes, you bloody bugger, if you’d just filed the dredging forms we wouldn’ta lost mamma’s land.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Caged and the Craven - ***

Steel can cleave hearts magic cannot touch

1986, Italy, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Marucs Cartwright (Gila Fufi). Written by Jorge Lourderer

Starring Steve Porter, Wrightman Carweather, Tila Nonez

When powerful (but annoyingly sensitive) wizards liberate a mystical city from a Demon Lord, they are too scared to immediately release any of the kick ass barbarians held in the city's jails. Instead they subject them to a series of magical tortures to pacify them prior to their assimilation into the new, enlightened society. It works temporarily, but after living in a city full of self-righteous jerks for about two days their awesomely violent nature is re-awakened and they crush the wizards in satisfying fashion. Fun.

Watch out for – that odd subplot about the giant snake in the sewers. It goes nowhere.

Quote – “No man puts quiche recipes in my mind. NO MAN!!!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Breast Quest - **1/2

Some quest for glory, Hellgar quests for breasts

1989, Hungary, Colour, 95 minutes

Directed by Béla Justitz. Written by László Kulka

Starring Horace Malker, Valéria Köváry, Irén Toronyi

Bodybuilding champion Horace Malker stars as Hellgar in this erotic sword ‘n’ sorcery epic which is not for everyone, but does deliver for its key demographic. Going on the basis that people rent these films because of the abundant cleavage in the cover illustrations, director Béla Justitz fills the screen with breasts in various medieval costumes. There are some humorous moments (who knew Hungarian comedy was so witty), but breasts are never far away.

Watch out for – A great theme song by Hungarian hair metallers Ugrál.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk