Long Road to Bloody Death – **½

On the Eastern Front every bullet has your name written on it

1978, Austria, Colour, 86 minutes

Written and directed by Juan Schmidt

Starring F. Gallerti (captain), Jorg Altian, Bede Muller, Franck Nodeys , and JJ Smith

World War Two was hardly a love fest at the best of times, and even less so when Juan Schmidt's wild imagination writes, directs and produces what has been called a "bloodthirsty rampage through Europe with guns and blood". Based on a series of short stories from the war section of the pulp fiction market, Long Road to Bloody Death caught hold of the public's imagination in what is to this day is one of the few Austrian films to really do well in the EU and US markets. Turns out people really do like a bit of Nazi rough. Superior voice dubbing as well, which was a pleasant shock.

Quote – "Hans screamed as the knife slit his nasty throat"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Colonel Intolerance – **

A soldier fights till death

1981, India, Clour, 269 minutes

Written and directed by B. J. L. Ghurajt

Starring Rajiv Ram Tippo, Senda Welsh, K James Singh

A shadowy military figure plots to plunge the subcontinent into war in order to further his dreams of power but is nearly tripped up by one of the worst scripts since Tarzan, Jane and Richard hit Broadway. The main problem was that at points it was uncertain whether or not this was actually a work of fiction or reality, as the characters were direct copies of real life contemporary figures in South Asian politics. This gave the film a confusing yet slightly exciting flavour. Despite a general low quality this movie made a refreshing change from the deluge of WW2/Cold War military thrillers of the post war period. Western audiences were often amazed by the elaborate highland military band sequences.

Best Reviewer comment – "Veiled threats make the best kind of political cinema" – Gary Eindhoven

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Eastern Approach - *

The World is an interesting place

1955, UK, Black & White

Directed by Sir Conrad Gaulieter. Written by John Smith (is this the English pseudonym for "too embarrassed to own up"?)

Starring Ryan Grant, Analise Grant, and Rogert Michaelhouse as Stalin

Fitzroy Maclean's autobiographical work on his adventures in Soviet Central Asia and then later, WW2, has long been a favourite of young adults and twenty-something cynics. His heroic tale of travel, war and devious tricks should in theory have made a great film. It didn't. But then in all fairness that was more due to terrible casting, script writing, direction, strange and pointless plot twists and terribly low production values. Is it any wonder Maclean wanted to sue the production company?

Great moment – When Maclean beats Stalin at chess, at drinking, then at love making. We are almost sure this doesn't happen in the book, but you have to admire anyone who belittles Stalin's reputation.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito