Synergy: A Tale in Two Parts - *1/2

Drugs, women, greed, old school tie

2005, USA/UK, Colour, 103 minutes

Directed by Rickardus Mahoney

Starring Sapphire Philips, John Furie, Bill Furie, Lazy Smith and Julie Green as Dean Anderson

Encouraged by tales of corporate greed in the late 1990s three men go to college to study to learn the skills necessary to become a success. This simple premise established the story quickly departs into a swirling vortex of greed, education and furious sculling down the old river flat. A curious juxtaposition of college stereotypes takes up the majority of the film, which sadly leaves precious little room for the much promised stock-market heist or indeed an explanation of the title. Is it trying to be cute? Smart? Ironic?

Watch out for – During the lunchtime theatre scene in the second act there is a pause while everyone looks expectantly at the stable door. It was the perfect moment for a pantomime horse to walk out but the director didn't have the cojones to do the right thing.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

An Uncomplicated Athlete - *½

Winning was the only thing on his mind

1974, UK, Colour, 96 minutes

Directed by Fyodor Royal. Written by Darwin Ellis

Starring Terrence Freds, Barnanby Toft, Barbara Regal

A grim drama about professional footballer Barry Cullins (Terrence Freds) who literally cares only about the game. The first half of the film sets up several juicy reasons for his state of mind, from failed love affairs to fatherly over ambition to overtraining-related hallucinations. Viewers may not stick with the film in the second half when it’s revealed that his obsession is due simply to being a bit dim. Close equivalent: watching an actual footballer being interviewed.

Watch out for – the teeth and the haircuts.

Quote – “Ooo cares about dat war, eh? Vietnamers aren’t no good at football, woof, their team right stinks.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Further From the Sea - *½

Ever wish you could meet the director and punch them in the face?

1993, USA, Colour, 100 minutes

Written and directed by Sally T McGowen.

Starring A. Smith

A young boy growing up in North Dakota dreams of the sea as he faces the struggles and opportunities eternal to all youth. Or at least that is what the producers tried to sell the film as, instead the audience, such as it was, was subjected to a chaotic mix of narration, playground montages and dull stock footage of the ocean. Bemusement greeted screenings of the film at even the most pretentious of film schools and independent film festivals. What made this far worse was that the director's debut was the superb Self Shine, which goes to show that lurking within every fresh new, promising director is a pretentious, hackneyed wanker waiting to get out.

Interesting points - Blurring the faces of all the main character was self indulgent at best.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

A Crummy Way to Die – *1/2

Undiagnosed nasal fistulas aren’t worth dying for!

1931, USA, Black & White, 60 minutes

Directed by Samual P. Fancy. Written by The Orange County Nurses Collective with additional material by Roderick Muhykin

Starring Nurse Rachel Carthwright, Doctor Lance Maynard, Billy O’Groats

After his father died from an undiagnosed nasal fistula, movie mogul Roderick Muhykin ordered the educational short film Explanation of the Formation and Removal of Nasal Fistulas expanded to feature length. He even wrote the additional material (his only screenwriting credit) which deals with a family man ignoring an unusual nasal discharge. The result is both preachy and off-putting.

Interestingly, this was the first teaming of Billy O’Groats and Samual P. Fancy, who would become the star and creator/director of the long-running Tickler series.

Watch out for – Film history’s first nasal disease-themed polka number

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk