Self Shine - ****

Let's Party!

1991, USA/Canada, Colour, Running Time

Directed by Sally T McGowen. Written by

Starring John Daily, Tracey Author, Arbor Saislink and someone called simply “Siren”

While masquerading as the tale of an immigrant trying to make his way in a new country, Self Shine is in-fact a surreal guide on how to be a hedonist on minimum wage. With a superb script and male lead (Saislink) this has to be one of the stand-up examples of the American Dream. So next time that guy with the accent on the street asks to shine your shoes, just say “Let’s party” It is just a pity the director’s follow-up film was the thrice dammed Further From the Sea.

Odd moment – Well, pretty much the first 30 minutes is odd. Keep an eye out for mocking references to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 film Coming to America.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Domiciles et tu – **1/2

(Released in the UK as My Roman House)

Une maison signifie la fin de rêver

2001, USA/Canada, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by Jean Smart. Written by JJ Saghar, Glonard Minx

Starring Paul Fujiyama, Sapphire Philips

A rather uplifting story of a young couple looking to buy their first house, sort of like a modern Horatio Alger story for aspiring homeowners. Think Spellbound but without annoying children and with a tight script. If movies are mirrors on society then early 21st century America is a dull, safe society with little to be passionate about except home ownership.

It seems to be a cast iron law in some circles that if you throw a little bit of French or Latin into a title or product it automatically becomes better. Is this wishful thinking, or a solid scientific fact? According to the box office return of Domiciles et tu, it was the latter. Either way, it's clear the middle classes enjoy being condescended to.

Watch out for – The soliloquy about synthetic sound/heat insulation from long retired method actor Klinsky Jones. It may not be Shakespeare, but then we don’t live in Tudor England. Oh and yes, that is THE Sapphire Philips, 1997's winner of Best Adult Undress Sequence from the Adult Entertainment Awards. Only strippers use the name "Sapphire".

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Beta 2.0 – ***1/2

You are not ready

2007, US/Canada, Colour, 117 minutes

Acting, writing and directing credits incomplete at time of release

A near bewildering mixture of music, faces and technology, all linked in with a kicking use of neo slang that just begs to be popularised on the internet, pours out of the screen as soon as the film starts rolling. The problem with this is that it is very hard to actually explain to someone what actually happens in the film, you know, does the guy get the girl? Is there a guy or girl? So far as I can piece together once one gets past the wall of cultural memes it seems that a new social order is forming on the streets, made up of disaffected youth and high technology. It is 1917 all over again and the Winter Palace is your middle class existence, and the commies are your children. As the title suggests things don't go quite as planned, but who'd ever know? Evolution versus Revolution?

All I know is that I think I really liked it and will need to buy the DVD to double check.

Great Moment – In Seaworld where the performing whale explodes, a single firework shoots to the sky and unfurls the message "Environmentalism. Lol"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Hemp Rope II – **

Better than Hemp Rope I

1988, Canada , Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Gus Yillomonte. Written by Neal Phillipe

Starring Hudson Smacker, Jane Frelitie, Aaron Whyte

The Hangman is one of my favourite movie villains. Not because he is necessarily a well developed character, or even that scary, but because of the purity of his theme. Not for him magical dream powers to kill children in their dreams, no, he just hangs you. The world needs more believable villains like this. So in some ways it is a pity that Hemp Rope II doesn't deliver on this promise, in fact at some points I almost began to suspect this film was less of a horror and more of a determined effort by the hemp lobby to promote their product. The loving close-ups of the rope fibre, the random 15 minute visit to the rope factory, the grudging admiration of the victims when the noose didn't break all make me suspicious.

Best line – “Feel the smooth suppleness of my rope!”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito