11 - Lounging About

Big Box, Big Laughs! This episode isn't about a whimsical children's film, or a whimsical porno, but one of those films where a young adult drifts aimlessly around a suburban limbo. As your hosts have always pursued their aims with the focus of harrier hawks, we can't sympathise. This episode also features ghosts and is terrifying.

10 - Uncomfortable Silence

Your favourite film reformationists discuss their grim, wasted years in New Zealand by way of a bitter diatribe against the once-screened monotone "comedy" 'Uncomfortable Silence'. This episode also features an advertisement for Carr's Moist Towelettes and a demonstration of R.P. Thunderdunk’s excellent acting.

9 - A Fist Too Far

A 70s New York revenge film (which suffered from the theft of half of its film reels and the attempt to reach its target running time by stealing reels from other films) goes largely undiscussed while our hosts reminisce about their days as New York street urchins.

8 - Dragon Mince

Do you like your fantasy tropes served up with angry right wing rhetoric? Neither do we and presumably neither did anyone who found a scarce VHS copy of the Reaganomics fable 'Dragon Mince'. This episode also includes far too much material about medieval filing cabinets.

7 - Temperature Cool

The Society performs a sterling reformation job on an Irwin Allen knock-off about an air conditioning disaster that causes a small American town to freeze. This episode also includes an unrelated advertisement for wine cooler.

6 - A Skateboarding Fish

While dumpster diving in Santa Monica the Society finds evidence of an unfinished CGI monstrosity conceived to appeal to 1990s mallrats. We also fulfil our contractual and legal obligations by informing listeners about various complaints and ominous warnings.

5 - Beast House

"People judge you by the company you keep" and you, the listener, can keep company with The Psychic Screamer and Cardinal O'Pain in this obscure 70s art film that's a metaphor for something, probably capitalism. This episode also features our first radio play and the first appearance of the Society's arch nemesis, Barnaby Scunt.

4 - Elbows, Knees and Death

"You’ll be Lucky to Leave the Theatre With Teeth, Mate" We discuss a brutal Australian backyard fight film, lost forever in the deadly Outback. Though we spend more time discussing the wonders of the Aussie Dredging Museum.

3 - Dear Sir, I Am Going To Kill You All

"Someone's been a naughty boy" Daring adventures in mysterious Roman catacombs! Lost Italian thrillers! Erotic butter advertisements! You wanted it, we delivered it!

2 - Nebula Escapade

"See the stars in stunning black and white!" Irresponsible undercover work at a London gentlemen's club uncovers evidence of a member's-only silent comedy, perhaps greater than any Chaplin film.

1 - Debate with the Devil

"Tricky words...mayhaps too tricky" In the premiere episode of The Film Reformation Society podcast, R.P. Thunderdunk and Juan Incognito discuss a lost film from the early career of TV star Max Yurgil.

That's Big of You - ***

The Atomic Age's Greatest Nightmare: A Cruel Woman

1955, USA, Black & White, 83 minutes

Directed by Lance Wooton. Written by Tay Cropper

Starring Sterling Barfellow, Barbara Foxhill, Cal Ashwood

Lloyd Tolliver is a brilliant but meek atomic scientist whose lab does weapons research for the military. So focused is he on his work that when his dashing business partner begins an affair with his wife he limply stands aside so that it doesn't interfere with the research. But when the calculating couple steal the research money and escape to Los Angeles, Tolliver's switch is flipped. He injects himself with Genetic Radiation (aka Gen-Rad), grows to the size of a modest office building and goes on a revengenous rampage. He is eventually stopped by Navy Frogmen who lay mines in his left ventricle.

Watch out for – chaos at Soviet Science Headquarters when as they watch, via satellite, America's "Gen-Rad Super Beast" running amok. Never have so many ham actors run into the same wall in mock terror.

Quote – "He wanted to give his life to science, and now his pickled organs will educate the young in science museums across America."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Synergy: A Tale in Two Parts - *1/2

Drugs, women, greed, old school tie

2005, USA/UK, Colour, 103 minutes

Directed by Rickardus Mahoney

Starring Sapphire Philips, John Furie, Bill Furie, Lazy Smith and Julie Green as Dean Anderson

Encouraged by tales of corporate greed in the late 1990s three men go to college to study to learn the skills necessary to become a success. This simple premise established the story quickly departs into a swirling vortex of greed, education and furious sculling down the old river flat. A curious juxtaposition of college stereotypes takes up the majority of the film, which sadly leaves precious little room for the much promised stock-market heist or indeed an explanation of the title. Is it trying to be cute? Smart? Ironic?

Watch out for – During the lunchtime theatre scene in the second act there is a pause while everyone looks expectantly at the stable door. It was the perfect moment for a pantomime horse to walk out but the director didn't have the cojones to do the right thing.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Pratfall Parade - *

1967, USA, 84 minutes, Black & White

Compiled by Bobby Oldman

Featuring Chubby Hardbasket, The Flagpole Fops, Hoy Hoy Shinsplint, and many more

A monotonous stream of public domain pratfall clips from third tier silent film comedians. Beside material that lacks wit and panache, the viewer is subjected to nonsensical title cards written by compiler Oldman (who rumour has it was really an aging and senile Chubby Hardcastle). “A cheeky be you, monkey mama” after a dog steals a hot dog out of Hardbasket's back pocket (causing him to fall into wet cement). Or “Now never funny now” as The Flagpole Fops foolishly climb as a group to the top of a flimsy flagpole and tip into a lake. “There's more were you look yon lobster”, “I says you good trespass. Away yo please mister”, and “Fall sister all you doing PARADE” are not even worth explaining.

Watch out for – this movie.

Quote – “Teh Ending FIN”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mysterious Goat - **

Even love hides from mystery

2001, Taiwan, Colour, 98 minutes

Written and Directed by Johnny Fear (translation error?)

Starring Sam Lu, Xi Chu Lung, Lin Zia Yo

Some things never translate well, and why exactly two middle-aged lovers should feel the need to incorporate a herd of mountain goats into their weekly tryst at the Taipei Zoo still escapes me. From the frequent references to the goats during other scenes I suspect it is meant to be a metaphor but dammed if anyone was able to explain it. Still, the cinematography was fantastic, the juxtaposition on a bleak urban environment with a happy goat grazing while naked bodies writhe under a park bench is strangely enticing.

Quote – “If you don't mind, we are having a school party coming through soon and they haven't quite got to comparative biology yet.”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Offal and Tears - **

Today’s Recipe: Pastry, Kidney, Peas, Fingers

1927, UK, Black & White, 54 minutes

Written and directed by Sir Malcolm Killingham

Starring Brycie Gord, Stanley Turkle, Betty Higho, Twirly Swordfish

A piquant, mouth watering expose of the 1920s British meat processing industry. Sure, many meatworkers lose fingers and toes, but they look like tasty gentlemen marinated in the smells and fumes of Britain’s finest slaughterhouses. The love stories are strong, the thick pastries are appetising, and this reviewer went straight from the screening to a merchant of meat-filled delicacies. A rare example of a film succeeding where it hoped to fail.

Watch out for – the way that cute Dorchester gal wields a spatula. Yum!

Quote – “News from the plant dearie; only got to lose one more finger and I get a lifetime pension.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Long Road to Bloody Death – **½

On the Eastern Front every bullet has your name written on it

1978, Austria, Colour, 86 minutes

Written and directed by Juan Schmidt

Starring F. Gallerti (captain), Jorg Altian, Bede Muller, Franck Nodeys , and JJ Smith

World War Two was hardly a love fest at the best of times, and even less so when Juan Schmidt's wild imagination writes, directs and produces what has been called a "bloodthirsty rampage through Europe with guns and blood". Based on a series of short stories from the war section of the pulp fiction market, Long Road to Bloody Death caught hold of the public's imagination in what is to this day is one of the few Austrian films to really do well in the EU and US markets. Turns out people really do like a bit of Nazi rough. Superior voice dubbing as well, which was a pleasant shock.

Quote – "Hans screamed as the knife slit his nasty throat"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Mars Corps - *

Something is fishy up there

1928, Germany, Black & White, 138 minutes

Directed by Klink Longer. Written by F. B. Jaertzer

Starring Stahl Ankler, Maximillion Grech, Greda Alsch

What happens when you load a sci fi/fantasy film with references to current films, celebrities, trends, and products? In eighty years time your film will play about as well as the impenetrable in-joke that is Mars Corp. The story all of these "gags" hang on is about the astronauts of Atlantis who were stranded on Mars when their home sank beneath the waves. With nowhere to land they decided to create a suspiciously peaceful, technologically advanced society. Germany's Mars Corp sees this as an obvious provocation, eyes them up with their superscopes, sees some fancy technology (cars and a cat hospital) which could be turned into an intergalactic rocket if the Martians ever got ideas, and launches a pre-emptive invasion.

The Atlantis Martians, according to the DVD's accompanying three-hour documentary (that was so dull it made me want to punch my eyes out), are based on German silent film stars, their clothes based on historical German fashions, their pets based on German politicians and society figures, and the stores on now defunct German businesses. Fine art direction mixed with a mind-numbing level of product placement may be fine for an issue of Vogue, but as a film it's unbearable.

Watch out for – marskraut, space-strudel, Hanz Marsdromat(?), etc.

Quote – "Hey Hanz, it is much like your family business, but different because people on Mars put the word 'Mars' always in the most foolish locations."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Gaunt Man - *

Henry doesn't like you, and wants you dead

1984, USA/UK, Colour, 128 minutes

Directed by Henry St John. Written by Henry St John, Reggie Wiknit, Hank "Ghastly" Rastly

Starring Peter Holdan, Mercy Jones, Lucy Brown

Or does he? Another stupid mystery thriller that has a great title but doesn't deliver. So far as can be seen the plot involves Henry, a shadowy figure who kills his enemies. Why? It is never explained. All we ever find out is that he constructs elaborate kill sequences that even the most inept investigator could track down. Yet they don't. It is almost like there is a conspiracy of stupid that includes the actors and the production crew in what can only be described as a mystery for jerks who don't much mind being patronised to by fools.

Great line or moment – none

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Face Reader - *

I can read you. You're spelled wrong

1998, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by Frank Skelly. Written by Chad Darkling

Starring Chad Darkling, Allura, The Amazing Kimmy

The movie debut of Las Vegas psychic Chad Darkling is staggeringly imbecilic. Shot in between his performances, it is about his attempts to stop an ancient clan of Super Mages from robbing Pan's Flute Casino where he performs his show. The big dilemma is; what is there for a master of body language to read when he's facing undead, mask-wearing magicians? The answer; instructions for an AK-47. Darklings performance can best be described as “theatrical.”

Watch out for – the random light changes in the outdoor scenes; they would make any Continuity Person's head explode.

Quote – “I'm a master at reading faces, but a skull tells no tales.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk