I've Got the Trots - *

Try to hold your laughter in!

1986, USA, Colour, 90 minutes

Directed by Carl Manheim. Written by Paulie Oakenfeld, Kyle T. Ghomes, Sal Pilly (script). Lois Nubar (story)

Starring Al Alman, Jolie Manheim, Pinto the Horse, The Hubert Trollings Five

An uneasy mixture of toilet humour and horse racing. A thief steals a Kentucky Derby horse from an Animal Hospital, not aware that it’s in there for severe diarrhoea. The film seems to exist solely due to the terrible pun in the title. There is a limit to how often you can see people being sprayed by a horse’s “bazooka colon”, and this film passes that point in the opening credits. The finale, where the horse uses its rectal rocket boost to win the Derby while coating the other racers in faeces is, frankly, repulsive.

Watch out for – Pornstar Corky Corvette playing a veterinarian - hired as a nod to her famous role in “Barnyard Escapades”.

Quote – “Ever since I stole you I’ve been in the s**t.” (Sorry, but that is the best joke in the film).

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Ferrous Rick – *

He put the “fe” in strife

1978 , US A, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Canter P. Angola. Written by Gordon Kilmeas, Clearance Gunthorpe

Starring Purdel O'Hara, Dorna Emil

To be a modern man is to suffer, and Rick the Iron Worker is no exception. His life is a constant series of humiliations; if its not sand in the face, then its itching powder in his jocks (making for some great visuals). One night, over a slice of pizza from the world's shittist pizza stand, our Everyman is visited by the Spirit of Iron who shows him the way to redemption through fisticuffs. Now before you say it, no, this isn't one of those hokey male-bonding-through-clubs-that-fight-and-have-stupid-rules movies. No, this is deep. This is Popeye live action, but without any of the tedious copyright discussions that such a film would entail.

Memorable line – “You will have to do more than grunt if you want me to stop punching you.”

Watch out for – The Spirit of Iron, who sort of looks like a young Jimmy Carter.

Awards Won – 1980 International Metals Industry Service Award

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Felonious Monk - ***

He's the cat and a dog, dig

1964, USA, Black & White, 79 minutes

Directed by Mitchell T. Wallace. Written by Bek Topa

Starring Billy Ginsley, Lorela Jay, Hank Krebberly

Super hip crime caper about a beatnik monk/cat burglar who liberates the jewels from Upper East Side apartments. He has a small monastery in the caves under Central Park where he uses the jewels to create a set of bongos so powerful, God himself will lay down some beat poetry to explain the meaning of life. Complications include squares, the fuzz, and his parents.

Watch out for – God

Quote – “The answers are out there, daddy-o. In the small town gas stations, between the tired thumbs of some old plumber, in the walls of justice's halls...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Forthright Cliché – ***1/2

You know where this is going, darling

1955, USA, Black & White,

Directed by Arthur Garvin. Written by Alan Rys, Daniel Maher, Trick Jones (strictly for marketing purposes)

Starring Trick Jones, Suzanne Leonardo, Kipper Smith

What makes a leading man click with the public? Is it the chiselled jaw? The witty off-the-cuff remarks? The ease of seduction? Or is it all about solid dialogue and well chosen roles? After watching Forthright, what some would call the seminal Trick Jones opus, I'd say a mixture of all three.

As the above breathless commentary suggests, this film has it all, and by all I mean 1950s American beefcake (that was born in Britain but you'd only know because he was knighted later on in life by that Jones fanboy of fanboys, HRH). Which no doubt was the main draw card at the time. But in the modern world women and men demand a more defined visage and so the movie must stand more upon things other than a pretty face. And it does.

Gordon Smith does something at the Mill, something that gives him time to lounge about wearing sharp suits and chatting up the secretaries. So he's probably the boss's idiot nephew or something. But he has another mistress, one that doesn't wear a low cut blouse. Yes, Gordon is an alcoholic, but the good kind, one who solves crime. I could go on for hours, but why, when you really came just to see a blurred still of Jones leaning on the bar?

Quotable – "Ma'am, the only list you forgot today was the one with my name on it. Next to yours."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

A Fist Too Far - **

Sometimes enough is too much

1976, USA, Colour, 93 minutes

Written and directed by Ush Afull

Starring Alf Grein, Shoshana, Leroy McReedy

Bizarre New York revenge film, supposed based on a New Hebridian folk belief that a man can only be hits so many times before the Gods see his plight and come to his aid. East Village low life “Skuzz” who, being a general ratbag gets beat up a lot, receives one punch over the Holy Line when he attempts to pick a man's pocket. With powerful allies to help him restore balance to karmic forces he becomes a local demi-God. When a local beat cop realises what's going on he orders his partner to punch him as many times as is needed to get the Gods on his side too. But the God-assisted cop becomes brain damaged and uncontrollable. Is Scuzz all that stands in the way of New York's destruction?

Watch out for – the pathetic special effects in the ensuing battle.

Quote – “I coulda lets youse all die. Know dat, right? Remember dat next time you punch me for stealing your TV.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Ethno Attack! – **

Frights! Bites! Rights!

2007, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Directed by Daniel Davidson. Written by Ken Solmon, Smithfield Kraft

Starring Missy Loose, P.K. French, Harlan Gearey

A small school is attacked by wave upon wave of crazed zombie immigrants demanding entrance in order to eat the succulent flesh of the children and teachers in a new take on the traditional "outpost of civilisation under attack" story. Well sort of, until 40 minutes in when the zombies demand court intervention to help them overcome the makeshift barricades. Will the courts say yes to multiculturalism and no to the right not to be eaten? Such weighty questions are thrown at the audience in what is a strange attempt at contemporary political humour crossed with biting social commentary.

The problem with this kind of film is that sometimes they try to be too clever and end up with a confused message. Are we really meant to hate immigrants, or are they being ironic? Are we meant to weigh up the intolerance of the community compared to the needs of all residents; immigrant, zombie, or citizen? Perhaps there is no correct answer and we are just meant to walk away confused yet deep in thought, in which case bravo and how timely! The untimely death of the director, writers and producers in a light plane crash soon after hitting the film festival circuit means that we will probably never have resolution. Sure makes you think.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Dream Sequencer - ***1/2

Il a rendu des films trop personnels même pour le Français

1971, France, Colour, 95 minutes

Written and directed by Philippe Gaga

Starring Philippe Gaga, Sylvie Marie Sylvie, Rot Callais

A whimsical silent fantasy written, directed, and starring French mime Gaga. He plays a formerly famous film technician who used his invention to record people’s dreams onto film while they sleep, a highly economical way of making dream sequences. But when the French New Wave hits, dream sequences become blasé, and he finds himself unemployed. To make ends meet he works as a psychoanalyst, but his patients are so intensely crazy that mere celluloid can’t contain their dreams. He becomes trapped in his patients nightmare world with his saucy secretary Coco, and can only escape by curing them with two-fisted Freudian psychoanalysis. Good fun.

Watch out for – the scene where Gaga and Coco hide in a giant prosthetic butt crack to avoid being shot by a squadron of milk-shooting breastplanes; predating the Death Star raid in Star Wars.

Quote – “…”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk