Behind the Dish Washer - **1/2

Every boy becomes a man. Some are forced.

1976, Italy, Colour, 98 minutes

Directed by Benitto Carazi. Written by Benitto Carazi and Tingo Phelps

Starring Billy Polenta, Anna Peruzzi, Maria Carbona, Sonia Phelps

An intriguing horror film that delves into a repressed virginal teenager's fear of growing up but which, depending on your opinion, is either sunk or redeemed by its subplot. Brandon is an eighteen year-old who lives at home but refuses to load the dishwasher because he imagines a hideous creature lives behind it that wants to have sex with him while eating his face. The subplot about a horny witches coven (with much nudity and lesbianism) that Brandon is completely unaware of actually takes up the majority of the running time and has no connection to the rest of the film. Still, the story has a very heart warming denouement.

Watch out for – Brandon trying to buy a chastity belt using his mother's credit card.

Quote – "The spell requires bare flesh. All of you, throw your clothes in the fire."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Toss Race - **

Whoever wins may not like the prize

2007, USA, Colour

Directed by Antin Gohnun . Written by Pete Jones, James Appelnitz, Sally Horits

Starring F. Banks, Jayden Gunner, Louis Levant, Aikomoto Hero, Lebouche Jones (no relation to writer)

Five men are gathered together and made to race across a barren desert, with only a knife and a small bottle of spring water. Why? It is never said. Who? Refer to previous comment. In fact, The Toss Race is simply a poor version of that genre I like to call "hidden puppet master pulls the strings of bewildered star, and there may be an inexplicable government angle".

Line of note – "Femurs are one of those body parts you only miss when gone."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

An Uncomplicated Athlete - *½

Winning was the only thing on his mind

1974, UK, Colour, 96 minutes

Directed by Fyodor Royal. Written by Darwin Ellis

Starring Terrence Freds, Barnanby Toft, Barbara Regal

A grim drama about professional footballer Barry Cullins (Terrence Freds) who literally cares only about the game. The first half of the film sets up several juicy reasons for his state of mind, from failed love affairs to fatherly over ambition to overtraining-related hallucinations. Viewers may not stick with the film in the second half when it’s revealed that his obsession is due simply to being a bit dim. Close equivalent: watching an actual footballer being interviewed.

Watch out for – the teeth and the haircuts.

Quote – “Ooo cares about dat war, eh? Vietnamers aren’t no good at football, woof, their team right stinks.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Sunfire to the Moon - **½

Even the darkest crater can be penetrated with love

2005, USA/France, Black & White, 143 minutes

Directed by Revel. Written by Revel, William Evans.

A sassy name cures many ills, and Sunfire to the Moon is no exception! In an attempt to bring back the spirit of the 1960s - here defined as a weird mix between the '68 riots in France and Woodstock in the US - director Revel, a child of '68, constructs a rather confused kaleidoscope of music, sex and political protest. A series of interwoven stories, sort of like Battle of Algiers, combined with documentary footage builds to a crescendo in the third act as the great concerts of the era promise a New Age. Sadly, the effect built by this long story is then almost totally lost by a now cliched Vietnam sequence right at the end, where the "innocence" of the 1960s was lost. Now this angle was tired way back when Forrest Gump came out, let alone in 2005. But just as the audience makes a resigned sigh, out comes the anti-Iraq rhetoric, and again, we are beaten over the head with the idea that all art is politics, and not just a welcome chance for diversion from real life.

Watch out for – the face of Jimmy Hendrix merging into Bush Junior. Is he tripping or are we?! I sure wished I was.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Montreal Honeymoon - ***

At last – the greatest love story ever told is told

1946, USA, Black & White, 74 minutes

Written and directed by Martin Wing

Starring Bertha Markowitz, Louis Hors

This romantic drama could have been a true masterpiece, if real-life romance hadn’t conspired against writer/director Martin Wing. Superstars Harlan Willoughby and Victoria Lacane dropped out of the project (to elope to Paraguay) and the film was dropped by Summit Studios. Wing didn't give up on his dream project, and managed to personally finance it ten years later. Opinions vary as to whether he was working as a travelling salesman to save money for his project or if he was living under a Montreal underpass and stole a camera from a news crew then cast two people living in a bus shelter (this story even claims he carried around a tattered copy of the script which he would read at least ten times a day). Still others say that he was a cinema verite master and the story of his homelessness was part of a campaign by European critics to diminish the contribution of American filmmakers to this movement. Whatever the truth is, despite the poor acting and sudden camera cuts whenever a siren is heard, the quality of Wing’s script shines through and the film is both bittersweet and unusually romantic.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Likely Story - *

You will believe it

2002, USA, Colour, 234 minutes

Written and directed by B. P. Lucker

Starring Zilo Pastrada, Bunce I. L. Wey, Samantha Yule, Korina Yule

Hyper realism reached a new low when this film was crapped onto the festival circuit. Pastrada, a highly uninteresting high school student, plays himself as he and his fellow classmates attempt to explain to a teacher why they skipped an afternoon of school. The explanations touch on their family and love lives but the stories match the title and none are of any particular dramatic interest. The main problem: the film was improvised, which doesn’t work when your cast are all infuriating idiots.

Watch out for – the end credits. They do come eventually.

Quote – “My dad likes to drink. A glass of wine every other week. It makes me think that being 21 would be nice because it looks good. He let me have a sip once long ago. It was nice…yeah, nice is the word for it. Didn’t let me have any more, I have wounds now. Internal scars...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Furthering of Me – **½

Space; where wars stay cold

1959, USSR, Black &White, 95 minutes

Casting information: Classified

Commercial information: Not relevant. Money is a capitalist construct.

A war has erupted in space between humanity and a malevolent alien force. Through the leadership and technology of the Soviet Union all enemies are overcome and the world is united through the leadership of the enlightened Party of the Proletariat. While this is a particularly blatant example of political science fiction we should not kid ourselves, all fiction is politics, especially science fiction. However there are some great moments, nothing quite like the massed Red Army duking it out with what appeared to be several hundred trucks covered in what I can only hope was greenery.

Watch out for – A Red Army tank driver lecturing US president Dwight Eisenhower as they escape from the burning Statue of Liberty. The subtext of this is that even the most humble of Soviet Citizens is the political equal of a capitalist leader.

Quote – "So you see Dwight, that's how exploitation of the working classes combined with rampant consumerism fueled by capitalism made your people little better than the child-eating, Statue of Liberty-destroying monsters."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito