Mayhaps, Adventure - *

Run, fatty. Run!

1922, USA, Black & White, 42 minutes

Directed by Jaime Polotzin. Written by Marshall Oafmin

Starring Porky Carruthers, Lisa Bentley

A less than thrilling silent film about an awkwardly obese police officer (Porky Carruthers, a vaudeville comedian who never caught on in films) trying to enjoy his honeymoon with his unrealistically hot wife. All the while he has to avoid getting into any adventures (on doctor’s orders). The adventures he has to avoid are stock footage from far more exciting films, and he runs away before we get a good look at them.

Watch out for – A young Billy O’Groats playing one of wrestlers at the Luchadore Convention.

Quote – The title card that says “Yikes!” is used about a thousand times.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Thoroughly Gripping – ***½

LOL!!

2007, USA , Colour, 76 minutes

Directed by Glorious. B. Visage (afraid to use real name for fear or retaliation)

Written by Johnny Roffle, I. Nic Staines (see above)

Ever read publicity material for a film or book that doesn't bare any relationship with the truth or even the English language? You are not alone, as this documentary on the review industry proves. So just why do the industry persist in throwing out unbelievable praise on the junk they produce? Is it hubris or part of a wider conspiracy to defraud the American public? Turns out it's the latter.

Great moment – The hidden camera scene when a gang of school kids beat up the writer of the now infamous "tweenies will love twinnies" comment for one of the forgettable Olsen Twins vehicles.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Tautology – *

Even parallel lines have a twist

2006, UK, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Ellison Wayne. Written by Artie Ore

Starring Mykalah Ash, Chad McCath, Candi Streed

More slop in the direct-to-DVD-psych101-puzzle-torture-pig's trough. In this iteration a mute killer, The Wordsmith, is kidnapping (despite having no arms) people who he's heard using his most despised verbal construct; the tautology. For The Wordsmith cannot speak, thus he is revolted by people rubbing his face in it by saying the same things twice. So he subjects his victims to a series of tautological word games, with a matching gruesome death for those who fail. And thus he makes himself feel better.

Watch out for – the ending which the filmmakers have to, by their own rules, fudge

Quote – "If Romita and Bolero are burned to death in succession one after the other, who should die former, who should die first, who later, and who last so the Bolero may live?"

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderunk

Six Ways to Texas III – *

That Longhorn ain't smiling

1987, USA, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by U Ghant. Written by R Kal Fern

Starring Tommy Bacon, Lucy Garner, Jayden Soont

Before Texas became famous for Bush and illegal immigrants it was known as the home of the fiercest cattle in the world, the Longhorn. Historically they were the foundation of the wealth of Texas, shipped out to the Eastern cities by their millions. Why am I telling you this? Filler.

Filler is necessary when the studio forces an already tired film franchise to come back for one more showing. It isn't necessarily a bad concept – a road trip to Houston that goes terribly wrong when the pickup breaks down in the middle of a cattle drive – but how the hell it can be milked three times defies belief. However the real question is – how much did the local Cattle Rancher's Association sink into this series before they realised film making wasn't really for them?

Anyway. A high school prayer group are heading for the big meet in Houston. It has been a long hard season, but they've beaten the competition and now it's time for state finals. They've beaten the county and tri-county champs (I & II), and it seems like nothing can stop them. Nothing except Satan and a herd of angry cattle. Despite the slightly lame Christian premise this is a solid attempt at frat humour, but with high school kids.

Great moment – When Mr Collins parts the trail drive like the Red Sea then gets pelted with beer cans by the trailhands for blaspheming.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Continue - **

One Quarter – One Life

1985, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Brick Youngly. Written by Hope Kyo

Starring Mike Corey, Michael Corman, Mikey Carey

Passable kid's film concering a video game arcade that comes to life in a lightning storm – the truants and punks manage to get all the characters back in the game only to discover that they've trapped some of their friends in there too. Mild excitement abounds as they run to the change counter to get quarters before the continue counter hits zero and their friends die. Notable for the downbeat ending; after returning to their loveless homes at the end of the day, they all return to the arcade and try to climb into the arcade machines.

Watch out for – the unveiling of the Golden Free Credit Coathanger.

Quote – “Some say Zack found the coathanger stuck in a mystic stone and was the only one who could pull it out. Others say it was a robotic angel's tampon.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Furious John - **1/2

He isn't just angry, he's furious!

1991, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by G.J. Schmidt. Written by Peaceable Johns

Starring Peaceable Johns, Klaus Tratt, Kitten Seyo, Lucy Brown

John is a peaceable man, happily farming his small plot of land in the rural idyll of Nicetown until the Tax Man comes to visit. Knowing that he cannot pay, John desperately seeks for a distraction, when he remembers the story of 1001 Arabian Nights. Sadly for the Taxman, John isn't a very good story teller, but despite himself he cannot stop listening to a series of stories that would do a child in a creative writing class proud. Over the following hour we are exposed to morality plays, and the occasional sexy diversion, all of which seem designed to make one question the morality of taxes while also the incredible shitness that is the genre of movies-as-homilies.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Donnybrook Farm - ***

More fun than a barrel of nuns!

1964, UK, Colour, 100 minutes

Directed by Clyde Brywry. Written by Man Harrison

Starring Argyle Bartwright, Tom Smith, Georgie O'Hallahan, Sam Dirkens

Before Fight Club made organised fisticuffs a past time suitable only for angsty schizophrenics, Donnybrook Farm showed that a good-natured weekend of setting-to was just what stressed men of all social strata needed. The plot is set in motion through a tensely humorous ten minutes of expositional grudgery, pitting merchants against workers, and workers against waifs. When the police put a stop to what would be the biggest brawl in Edinburgh history, Farmer Clemsly says the immortal words; "Boys, we can fight on my farm!" What follows is 90 minutes of high-spirited brawling which end once everyone has punched their animosities away.

Watch out for – the classic "Dog's Bucket Routine"

Quote – "Aye, Colin. That 'twas a fine haymaker that I didnae see comin'."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk