Dear Sir, I Am Going To Kill You All – **

Someone's been a naughty boy

1961, USA/Italy, Black & White, 92 minutes

Directed by Juan Smith. Written by H.R.A. Mervi

Starring Gus "Gussy" Trini, Peter Charles

A much-loved teacher nears his well-earned retirement and begins planning his new life as a professional loiterer, when a phone call changes his life. He is now the target of a vicious killer, who will stop at nothing in order to kill beloved teacher. What could a man so well loved have done to deserve such a fate? Well, despite the occasional hint, we never really know. But we are treated to a smorgasbord of chilling phone conversations and the occasional alleyway confrontation, and when done well, this is quite enough excitement for this reviewer!

Trivia – Apparently inspired by early civil rights campaigners, although god knows how or indeed why

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Call Me a Dilettante, Will You? - *

It means nothing from a bunch of ignorant pig dogs

1943, USA, Black & White, 46 minutes

Written and directed by Anonymous (Traynor Willingham)

Starring masked unknowns

This poisonous slander film was made by Traynor Willingham, short fiction writer and flash-in-the-pan novelist, as revenge on the circle of New York literary critics who had savaged his work over the years. The film “starred” these critics (actually out-of-work Broadway actors wearing pig and dog masks) reading their reviews in a faux-retarded manner and simulating a daisy chain around a garbage dumpster. The film was shown at private parties before it was buried due to court proceedings. This has been making the rounds on the bootleg circuit for a few years, but unless there is a renewal of interest in Willinghams rather hysterical prose style, this will remain an oddity.

Watch out for – Willingham’s hand entering the frame at one point, tugging the choke chain of one of the actors who tries to run away.

Quote – “Hiisssth pwose stiiilll isth amacherisssh…” (and so on)

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Back Country Tale – *

The forbidden lies...in the Back Country

1997, USA, Colour, 102 minutes

Directed by Falconi Roberts (he went to directing MTV videos after this)

Actors - they all seem to be called A Smith. Never trust re-released DVDs

For a brief period in the late 1990s, '97 to be precise, it was possible to make some rather strange films funded by Hollywood money. And I don't means strange like seeing a 3-headed cow, I mean strange like Billy, a man who has a criminally needful lust for his of-legal-age sister. Of course this being Hollywood it is dressed up with a proper three act structure that makes this whole visual experience even stranger. The story line is pure dime store disturbo-erotica, but with the kind of production values that only $30 million can bring.

Best moment – well, lets move on.

Best Line – "You know, it is awful cold outside, and the fire is burning REAL bright inside, lets fuck"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Arachnude - **1/2

You are the fly in her web of desire

1968, USA, Colour, 76 minutes

Directed by Bam Bamley. Written by Horatio Priese

Starring Lorna McGeist, Solomon Yurl, Gertrude Partridge

This forgotten drive-in film is a surprisingly sensitive tale of a repressed young woman who is cursed by her strict Catholic mother to turn into a tarantula whenever she’s sexually aroused. Unfortunately for the town of Spokane, the young woman has clinical nymphomania. Plenty of nudity, unfortunately not all of it is desirable; one scene shows us former silent film star Gertrude Partridge (playing the mother) in an latex nun costume. And that’s why drive-ins died.

Watch out for – The trip to the Doctor, where our hero is diagnosed with “Hysterical Wantonalism”.

Quote – “Hey baby, you need to shave those legs…all EIGHT OF THEM. Blargh.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mysterious Smiling Woman - **

Her lips are like fire

2007, France, Colour, 101 minutes

Written and directed by Juliette Karolin

Starring K le Simone

Ever kissed a woman with lips that burn? Me either, and nor do many in this film. Why is this important? Well the director is making a statement that women shouldn't be viewed on screen purely for their sex appeal, so right at the start of the film a couple of men get bad facial burns and then we start with the real story. This is something about a politician that wants to outlaw child labour or something, and has a lot of trouble doing so.

Things to watch – Inexplicable English language title, given the strength of feeling from the director. The DVD release cover of what appears to be a model kissing a rose with a thorn piercing her lip suggests that perhaps it was deliberate. Colour me confused.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Lifemare - **

You don't live a lifemare, it lives you

1986, USA, Black & White, 127 minutes

Written and directed by Peter Haste

Starring Peter Haste, Bob, McScruff

Art school student Peter Haste made this unique, dreamlike film about a daymare that he can't fall asleep from. Frightening over-exposed imagery and a discordant Casio score add a feeling of paranoia and bafflement to what was already disorienting and nonsensical. Naturally, Lifemare's biggest fans are the noisy ranks of art school students who shamelessly try to replicate it. These attempts are doomed to failure because of this foolish demographic's sneering disregard for the highlight of the film; Haste's dog, McScruff, who is living a parallel lifemare where cats are as big as houses and dog biscuits turn into spiders and climb into his brain.

Watch out for – the director's cut; which runs 212 minutes and includes the discarded Ghost Garden subplot.

Quote – "Reality's knocking on the door of my mind, but it's locked and I don't know who has the key. Maybe the Duke of the Wasteland? McScruff, shall we go and visit him?"

Reviewed by R.P.Thunderdunk

Jet Squadron Shooting - *

This film is everything Top Gun promised to deliver but failed

1992, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Captain Jim Block (USAAF ret.)

Written by and starring the 3rd Sqdrn. Nevada Air National Guard, East Las Vegas

Ever seen a film that you thought you could do a better job of and you managed to convince a bunch of friends you really could? Well this is pretty much what happened here with what was described as a "more real Top Gun", sadly it is never as easy as it looks, and while we can all agree this film is more realistic, no one will ever find real time air combat interesting. Not when it involves so many dammed pre flight checks.

Great line – "You know when the fuel monitor beeps twice it is time to return home.” (Actually this isn't as great as I remember, perhaps delivery makes a difference?)

Reviewed by Juan Incognito