Jet Squadron Shooting - *

This film is everything Top Gun promised to deliver but failed

1992, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Captain Jim Block (USAAF ret.)

Written by and starring the 3rd Sqdrn. Nevada Air National Guard, East Las Vegas

Ever seen a film that you thought you could do a better job of and you managed to convince a bunch of friends you really could? Well this is pretty much what happened here with what was described as a "more real Top Gun", sadly it is never as easy as it looks, and while we can all agree this film is more realistic, no one will ever find real time air combat interesting. Not when it involves so many dammed pre flight checks.

Great line – "You know when the fuel monitor beeps twice it is time to return home.” (Actually this isn't as great as I remember, perhaps delivery makes a difference?)

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

I've Got the Trots - *

Try to hold your laughter in!

1986, USA, Colour, 90 minutes

Directed by Carl Manheim. Written by Paulie Oakenfeld, Kyle T. Ghomes, Sal Pilly (script). Lois Nubar (story)

Starring Al Alman, Jolie Manheim, Pinto the Horse, The Hubert Trollings Five

An uneasy mixture of toilet humour and horse racing. A thief steals a Kentucky Derby horse from an Animal Hospital, not aware that it’s in there for severe diarrhoea. The film seems to exist solely due to the terrible pun in the title. There is a limit to how often you can see people being sprayed by a horse’s “bazooka colon”, and this film passes that point in the opening credits. The finale, where the horse uses its rectal rocket boost to win the Derby while coating the other racers in faeces is, frankly, repulsive.

Watch out for – Pornstar Corky Corvette playing a veterinarian - hired as a nod to her famous role in “Barnyard Escapades”.

Quote – “Ever since I stole you I’ve been in the s**t.” (Sorry, but that is the best joke in the film).

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Ferrous Rick – *

He put the “fe” in strife

1978 , US A, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Canter P. Angola. Written by Gordon Kilmeas, Clearance Gunthorpe

Starring Purdel O'Hara, Dorna Emil

To be a modern man is to suffer, and Rick the Iron Worker is no exception. His life is a constant series of humiliations; if its not sand in the face, then its itching powder in his jocks (making for some great visuals). One night, over a slice of pizza from the world's shittist pizza stand, our Everyman is visited by the Spirit of Iron who shows him the way to redemption through fisticuffs. Now before you say it, no, this isn't one of those hokey male-bonding-through-clubs-that-fight-and-have-stupid-rules movies. No, this is deep. This is Popeye live action, but without any of the tedious copyright discussions that such a film would entail.

Memorable line – “You will have to do more than grunt if you want me to stop punching you.”

Watch out for – The Spirit of Iron, who sort of looks like a young Jimmy Carter.

Awards Won – 1980 International Metals Industry Service Award

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Felonious Monk - ***

He's the cat and a dog, dig

1964, USA, Black & White, 79 minutes

Directed by Mitchell T. Wallace. Written by Bek Topa

Starring Billy Ginsley, Lorela Jay, Hank Krebberly

Super hip crime caper about a beatnik monk/cat burglar who liberates the jewels from Upper East Side apartments. He has a small monastery in the caves under Central Park where he uses the jewels to create a set of bongos so powerful, God himself will lay down some beat poetry to explain the meaning of life. Complications include squares, the fuzz, and his parents.

Watch out for – God

Quote – “The answers are out there, daddy-o. In the small town gas stations, between the tired thumbs of some old plumber, in the walls of justice's halls...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Forthright Cliché – ***1/2

You know where this is going, darling

1955, USA, Black & White,

Directed by Arthur Garvin. Written by Alan Rys, Daniel Maher, Trick Jones (strictly for marketing purposes)

Starring Trick Jones, Suzanne Leonardo, Kipper Smith

What makes a leading man click with the public? Is it the chiselled jaw? The witty off-the-cuff remarks? The ease of seduction? Or is it all about solid dialogue and well chosen roles? After watching Forthright, what some would call the seminal Trick Jones opus, I'd say a mixture of all three.

As the above breathless commentary suggests, this film has it all, and by all I mean 1950s American beefcake (that was born in Britain but you'd only know because he was knighted later on in life by that Jones fanboy of fanboys, HRH). Which no doubt was the main draw card at the time. But in the modern world women and men demand a more defined visage and so the movie must stand more upon things other than a pretty face. And it does.

Gordon Smith does something at the Mill, something that gives him time to lounge about wearing sharp suits and chatting up the secretaries. So he's probably the boss's idiot nephew or something. But he has another mistress, one that doesn't wear a low cut blouse. Yes, Gordon is an alcoholic, but the good kind, one who solves crime. I could go on for hours, but why, when you really came just to see a blurred still of Jones leaning on the bar?

Quotable – "Ma'am, the only list you forgot today was the one with my name on it. Next to yours."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

A Fist Too Far - **

Sometimes enough is too much

1976, USA, Colour, 93 minutes

Written and directed by Ush Afull

Starring Alf Grein, Shoshana, Leroy McReedy

Bizarre New York revenge film, supposed based on a New Hebridian folk belief that a man can only be hits so many times before the Gods see his plight and come to his aid. East Village low life “Skuzz” who, being a general ratbag gets beat up a lot, receives one punch over the Holy Line when he attempts to pick a man's pocket. With powerful allies to help him restore balance to karmic forces he becomes a local demi-God. When a local beat cop realises what's going on he orders his partner to punch him as many times as is needed to get the Gods on his side too. But the God-assisted cop becomes brain damaged and uncontrollable. Is Scuzz all that stands in the way of New York's destruction?

Watch out for – the pathetic special effects in the ensuing battle.

Quote – “I coulda lets youse all die. Know dat, right? Remember dat next time you punch me for stealing your TV.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Ethno Attack! – **

Frights! Bites! Rights!

2007, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Directed by Daniel Davidson. Written by Ken Solmon, Smithfield Kraft

Starring Missy Loose, P.K. French, Harlan Gearey

A small school is attacked by wave upon wave of crazed zombie immigrants demanding entrance in order to eat the succulent flesh of the children and teachers in a new take on the traditional "outpost of civilisation under attack" story. Well sort of, until 40 minutes in when the zombies demand court intervention to help them overcome the makeshift barricades. Will the courts say yes to multiculturalism and no to the right not to be eaten? Such weighty questions are thrown at the audience in what is a strange attempt at contemporary political humour crossed with biting social commentary.

The problem with this kind of film is that sometimes they try to be too clever and end up with a confused message. Are we really meant to hate immigrants, or are they being ironic? Are we meant to weigh up the intolerance of the community compared to the needs of all residents; immigrant, zombie, or citizen? Perhaps there is no correct answer and we are just meant to walk away confused yet deep in thought, in which case bravo and how timely! The untimely death of the director, writers and producers in a light plane crash soon after hitting the film festival circuit means that we will probably never have resolution. Sure makes you think.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Dream Sequencer - ***1/2

Il a rendu des films trop personnels même pour le Français

1971, France, Colour, 95 minutes

Written and directed by Philippe Gaga

Starring Philippe Gaga, Sylvie Marie Sylvie, Rot Callais

A whimsical silent fantasy written, directed, and starring French mime Gaga. He plays a formerly famous film technician who used his invention to record people’s dreams onto film while they sleep, a highly economical way of making dream sequences. But when the French New Wave hits, dream sequences become blasé, and he finds himself unemployed. To make ends meet he works as a psychoanalyst, but his patients are so intensely crazy that mere celluloid can’t contain their dreams. He becomes trapped in his patients nightmare world with his saucy secretary Coco, and can only escape by curing them with two-fisted Freudian psychoanalysis. Good fun.

Watch out for – the scene where Gaga and Coco hide in a giant prosthetic butt crack to avoid being shot by a squadron of milk-shooting breastplanes; predating the Death Star raid in Star Wars.

Quote – “…”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Damn Dizzy Broad - *

Spin. Woman. Worker. Mule

1977, Denmark, Colour, 49 minutes

Conceived and directed by Bernt Ebbe

Starring Dorthe Hulda

A baffling piece of filmed Performance Art. Danish ballerina Hulda spins and spins endlessly in front of clips from old detective films while discordant violin music plays softly through an old gramophone. Yet another reason why we wish the DVD distributor Autuer Ressurection didn't exist.

Watch out for – we do wonder how she manages to not throw up.

Quote – “Damn dizzy broad. Thought she could pull one over on the NYPD.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Domiciles et tu – **1/2

(Released in the UK as My Roman House)

Une maison signifie la fin de rêver

2001, USA/Canada, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by Jean Smart. Written by JJ Saghar, Glonard Minx

Starring Paul Fujiyama, Sapphire Philips

A rather uplifting story of a young couple looking to buy their first house, sort of like a modern Horatio Alger story for aspiring homeowners. Think Spellbound but without annoying children and with a tight script. If movies are mirrors on society then early 21st century America is a dull, safe society with little to be passionate about except home ownership.

It seems to be a cast iron law in some circles that if you throw a little bit of French or Latin into a title or product it automatically becomes better. Is this wishful thinking, or a solid scientific fact? According to the box office return of Domiciles et tu, it was the latter. Either way, it's clear the middle classes enjoy being condescended to.

Watch out for – The soliloquy about synthetic sound/heat insulation from long retired method actor Klinsky Jones. It may not be Shakespeare, but then we don’t live in Tudor England. Oh and yes, that is THE Sapphire Philips, 1997's winner of Best Adult Undress Sequence from the Adult Entertainment Awards. Only strippers use the name "Sapphire".

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Breast Quest - **1/2

Some quest for glory, Hellgar quests for breasts

1989, Hungary, Colour, 95 minutes

Directed by Béla Justitz. Written by László Kulka

Starring Horace Malker, Valéria Köváry, Irén Toronyi

Bodybuilding champion Horace Malker stars as Hellgar in this erotic sword ‘n’ sorcery epic which is not for everyone, but does deliver for its key demographic. Going on the basis that people rent these films because of the abundant cleavage in the cover illustrations, director Béla Justitz fills the screen with breasts in various medieval costumes. There are some humorous moments (who knew Hungarian comedy was so witty), but breasts are never far away.

Watch out for – A great theme song by Hungarian hair metallers Ugrál.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

An Absurd Touch – **

Love burns like lightning, with a touch of the absurd

2003, Italy, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by G. Dellato. Written by Ales Mariont

Starring Jules Pertoni, Maria Kuminoz

Maree and Thomas are a lovable young couple who decide to move from a small country town to the big city in order to save their marriage. After all, if ready access to hip jazz bars and espresso joints will not revive a relationship then what will? The initial promise of this film was great, who could fail to be moved by the awkward tenderness displayed by Thomas as he eats his first pain au chocolat to the gentle amusement of his fellow customers. Sadly this is about as good as it gets, as a succession of tired clichés are trotted out for the amusement and education of the audience. The card sharp, the Big Issue salesman, the surly kebab cart owner and the heavily made up teenage girls are all paraded about like this can somehow make up for a plot, or proper characterisation.

Moment of amusement – Maree taking fashion advice from the local three card monte hustler. Turns out one can never have enough glitter.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

C.O.Boo! – **

The silent killer that we invited to dinner

1992, Germany/USA, Colour, 98 minutes

Written and directed by Horace Tigler

Starring John Daily, Alisha Kargath, Gerphart Grant

Back in the heady days of the 1990s the world was looking for a new enemy, a new threat to marshal resources against, something to really get the blood boiling since the Warsaw Pact had evaporated into a haze of self loathing. A number of pretenders arose, ranging from rap music to the UN but while gangsters and the New World Order are a little creepy, they are tired, just a new iteration of the Mafia/Frank Sinatra and the Communist International.

Imagine a killer who can enter any building, pierce any armour and who knows no mercy, yes, Carbon! Critics were divided as to whether this was a beautiful demonstration of the power of the B or C film industry to quickly re-orientate to the latest fashions, or a shameless hijacking of a good cause. Of course it didn't hurt that the costs of filming death by invisible gas is far less than say an axe welding maniac (no fake blood needed) or that stock science lab footage is cheaper than filming original scenes or even the side point that death by breathing problem demands plenty of hot, sexy attempted resuscitation sequences. When the fundamentals stack up like this there really isn't any need for a solid plot or good acting (not that John Daily is anything but a gentleman!).

Great Line – "As an asthmatic I find Carbon a force for rights equalisation rather than so called 'death dealing'."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Nebula Escapade - ***1/2

See the stars in stunning black & white!

1928, UK, Black & White, 37 minutes

Written and directed by Thedderidge White

Starring Jimmy B. Blime, Connie Tine

Comedian Blime stars as a hapless astronomer who, while working late one night on the world’s most powerful British telescope, makes an error in his calculations and zaps himself and the observatory’s cleaning lady (Tine) into the closest nebula. They have several humorous escapades as they run from place to place in the nebula encountering curious species and solving their problems. The surprise is that Tine proves to be the more useful of the two, having voluminous amounts of distasteful East End back alley knowledge at her disposal. Some say this film has dated, but writer/director White’s technique of basing his aliens on recognisable ethnic minorities is still very much in use today

Watch out for – the scene where Tine shows the ladies of Omnipharlax-B how to abort unwanted parasitic brain babies with a rusty space fork.

Quote – “It’s misty up here, like back in the East End. I hope there’s no Star Ripper, I really do hope. Cause I be hard up for money.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderunk

Our Friends Are Desperate - ***1/2

VERY DESPERATE

1979, USA, Black & White, 97 minutes

Written and directed by Jayden Kane

Starring Jim Sagem, Ghana O'Hara, Mern Forrie'

A frankly entertaining examination of the pitfalls and small joys of petty corruption and small business in small town America. The dialogue is a masterful example of what can be achieved when suggestive wording is almost, but not quite taken too far. It spawned a generation, or at least a year, of annoying encounters with one's friends as they fumbled the lines in order to repeat the pop culture references. Sigh.

Not to be missed - when James encounters Mary at the Bus Station and well known pornographer Xantos makes a cameo as a traffic policeman.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Very Tricky - *

Sleight of Hand or Sleight of Mind?

2004, USA, Colour, 114 minutes

Written and directed by P. K. Frilk

Starring P. K. Frilk, Lifan Huang, Little Wing Turner

Have you ever wanted to yell “Just piss off” at a movie screen? That was our experience while watching this rancid piece of filmmaker mind frottage. The story revolves around five people who all get robbed while taking part in a street magic act (the magician is played by writer/director Frilk). Who was in on the magician’s scheme and who wasn't? To answer these crap questions we get to see the scene from every possible point of view while people change allegiances in ways that make no sense, and facts are twisted beyond plausibility. Most maddening though, is that Frilk shows his own face smirking and nodding at the viewer during every scene change.

Watch out for – well, if I were Frilk I’d watch out for my flying fist.

Quote – “Don’t believe your eyes, don’t believe logic…magic is beyond logic, magic is love, tragedy, life….” etc. etc.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Search for Honey – *½

The emotions are real. The fear is sweet

1997, Denmark, Colour, 92 minutes

Written and directed by P. Fraser

Starring Lucy van Yel, P. Fraser

Sometimes it is refreshing to see films that deal with real life issues in an honest fashion, and sometimes it is not. In what was described by a reviewer as a ‘scary stalker fantasy’ viewers are invited along to watch the writer/director attempt to seduce a girl he met at college. The film claims to follow the Dogma 95 school to give the action a more real flavour, but sometimes it really seems a little too real.

Watch out for – our hero manufacturing an accidental meet up in a book store.

Quote – “Really? We were in English lit together? Sorry. I don't remember you.”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

I’m Dead and I Can’t Get Up - *

What would you do in such a difficult situation?

1974, Philippines, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Jose Aquino (as Hitchcock Spielberg). Written by Hero Martinez (as I.A.L. Hecht)

Starring Madrigal Jose, Cogie Abalayan, Carmencita Mercado, Barry Jones

An unexciting Filipino zombie film set in a physical rehabilitation clinic. Crudely spliced in American actors and attempts to pass Manilla off as Los Angeles add unintentional comedy relief. But the film can’t overcome the lacklustre premise of immobile zombies. In a zombie apocalypse would this many people really wander through an empty rehab clinic?

Watch out for – An old shack sporting a ‘Capitol Records’ sign.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Insurance Claim - *

Cheating raises everyone's premiums...even at Christmas

2005, USA, Colour, 93 minutes

Directed by Adlai Frankenheim. Written by Susan Ho

Starring Lisa Laticia, G Minx, various children

Billy Page has a dilemma, it’s the week before Christmas but he can’t afford presents for his many adopted orphan children! Driven to desperation he concocts an elaborate insurance scam that enables him to provide for his family. So far so good. Sadly though the initially promising scenario turns out to be the setup for a morality play on the virtue of honest dealing and taking responsibility for one’s actions. The sweet, lisping plea of the cutesy child, begging father to not sacrifice his eternal soul for material satisfaction frankly just grates, and if that wasn’t bad enough its followed by a courtroom redemption speech by Billy that would make even the most sanctimonious of us be violently sick.

This is what happens when the Moral Majority, the Business Council of America and various law enforcement agencies combine to co-fund film production in an attempt to salvage reputations in a post Enron/Credit Crunch business environment. To the credit of the Director he must have realised his production was irrevocably tainted, how else can one explain the vandalised photo of President George W Bush in the DA's office at the 64th minute, and subsequent attempts to contact Adlai Frankenhim have failed due to it apparently being a made up name.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Brittle Bones vs. Malibu Hercules - *

Smashing!

1987, Hong Kong, Colour, 92 minutes

Directed by Wang T. Dong. Written by Liang Hu

Starring Gang Tang, Marcy Kwan, Leroy Hong

Mind numbingly awful family film about the neighbourly disputes that happen after the Hercules family move from swanky Malibu into a Kowloon apartment building. Brittle Bones is Mr. Wu, their elderly public servant neighbour who, as a running gag, is constantly breaking his hips yet somehow gaming the medical system to get speedy replacements. The film is essentially a series of stupid gags that revolve around stairwells, mah jong, and super strong people breaking the elderly in half.

Watch out for – Mr. Wu refusing to grease the medical system's wheels when Mrs. Hercules gives birth to a three-headed dog.

Quote – “You can't blame Mr. Wu, son. During the Cultural Revolution people didn't get much milk.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Swansong Too Far - ***½

Toe tapping mystery at its best!

1970, UK, Colour, 94 minutes

Directed by Gan Hertford. Written by Jimmy Shank

Starring Allen Kinderson, Marie Forthworth, Lulu Brown

Blackpool's most reputable Music Hall is wracked by mystery. Who is stalking Lady Bloomer? Who is frightening the Pantomine Horse? Why have all the pianos suddenly gone out of tune? In a delightful 94 minutes Jarvis takes us through the drama of these mysteries while also pouring out his great love for the proud British tradition of the music hall, then, as now, a dying art-form. It turns out that the ticket seller did it.

Great moment – when the snatch squad from the local police station have to pretend to be a chorus line in order to prevent a riot.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Ghosts of Greater Boise - ***

Exclusive to VHS

1984, USA, Colour, 63 minutes

No writer or director credited

The ghosts of the metropolitan Boise area were well chronicled in the smash documentary Spirits of Boise . To cash in on that hit, a fly-by-night video production company made this disturbing knock off, focusing on the ghost of Boise's surrounding areas. While everyone thought that Spirits of Boise was a bit of a lark, this film puts the grimy willies into anyone foolish enough to watch it. The grainy video, amateur narration, and copious amounts of real ghosts are enough to make even the strongest man long for an episode of The Golden Girls. The origins of the tape are hotly debated; the most popular theory is that Spirit of Boise's producers commissioned it as an expensive prank during their cocaine-fueled post-success period. We're not convinced of that.

Watch out for – what happens when they turn the lights off in the Pressford farm's barn.

Quote – "Oh God....oh God.....oh God...."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Eastern Approach - *

The World is an interesting place

1955, UK, Black & White

Directed by Sir Conrad Gaulieter. Written by John Smith (is this the English pseudonym for "too embarrassed to own up"?)

Starring Ryan Grant, Analise Grant, and Rogert Michaelhouse as Stalin

Fitzroy Maclean's autobiographical work on his adventures in Soviet Central Asia and then later, WW2, has long been a favourite of young adults and twenty-something cynics. His heroic tale of travel, war and devious tricks should in theory have made a great film. It didn't. But then in all fairness that was more due to terrible casting, script writing, direction, strange and pointless plot twists and terribly low production values. Is it any wonder Maclean wanted to sue the production company?

Great moment – When Maclean beats Stalin at chess, at drinking, then at love making. We are almost sure this doesn't happen in the book, but you have to admire anyone who belittles Stalin's reputation.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

A Crummy Way to Die – *1/2

Undiagnosed nasal fistulas aren’t worth dying for!

1931, USA, Black & White, 60 minutes

Directed by Samual P. Fancy. Written by The Orange County Nurses Collective with additional material by Roderick Muhykin

Starring Nurse Rachel Carthwright, Doctor Lance Maynard, Billy O’Groats

After his father died from an undiagnosed nasal fistula, movie mogul Roderick Muhykin ordered the educational short film Explanation of the Formation and Removal of Nasal Fistulas expanded to feature length. He even wrote the additional material (his only screenwriting credit) which deals with a family man ignoring an unusual nasal discharge. The result is both preachy and off-putting.

Interestingly, this was the first teaming of Billy O’Groats and Samual P. Fancy, who would become the star and creator/director of the long-running Tickler series.

Watch out for – Film history’s first nasal disease-themed polka number

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Club of Men - ****

The Club of Men Saves the Day Again

USA, 1950, Black & White, 120 minutes

Directed by Ryan G. Grant

Starring Gus Stevens, Mix Arnolds, Hank Smith, Joe Fielding, Anthony Manhield

There is trouble in Harlem, somebody stole all the chickens and Mr Solly doesn't like it when he doesn't have an egg for his breakfast! With that frantic cry one of the world's greatest movies begins. A two hour festival of witty dialogue, gripping mysteries and sinister slap stick, enough to make Arsenic and Old Lace look like the worst kind of hash paint-by-numbers writing! Is it any wonder Truman made the director a Poet Laureate?

Greatest moment – when Mr Solly is reunited with his chickens

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Queue World - **

For those who wait, something will come

1978, USSR, Colour, 94 minutes

Written and directed by Nikolai Petrov.

Starring Boris Bure, Antonina Tolstya, Tatiana Bakzynyza

A surreal Soviet film about a fictional European country that can only be traversed by joining the various queues snaking across the countryside. While a rather obvious metaphor for the endless queuing due to food shortages and all-encompassing bureaucracy, director Petrov had a good reputation in the West, and had secretly sold distribution rights before filming started. Sadly, news of the subversive film’s plot leaked out and half way through the cast is replaced by rather thuggish looking Bolsheviks who perform bad anti-American stand up comedy for the remainder of the running time. A pity.

Watch out for – The forced laughter of the inmates of a Siberian gulag during the 'how many bourgeoisie does it take to turn an boulder to gravel' comedy routine.

Quote – “I heard that if you take this queue far enough you’ll come to a line for blue jeans.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Green Plant - ***1/2

Filthy little plant, take that!

1986, West Germany, Black & White, 97 minutess

Directed by Herrick Schmidt. Written by Gus Kleinberg

Starring David Meinerton

Kreddy just turned 19 and received his summons for military services, but fearing the harsh life of a German soldier he hides in deserted woodlands not far from the border with East Germany. Then, things start to happen that make the 5AM ice baths more attractive. If it was just the strange sounds and poisoned meat then I am sure Kreddy could have coped, but when the cruel taunting started, and, well, that just pushed him over the top. People do not always need blood or gore to get the adrenaline pumping, not when a finely turned phrase can get the same result

Educational lesson - The best horror films often use totally original plot or stories, then are mercilessly copied until you begin to hate the original film even though it was genuinely good.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Fighter - **

Things to do today: Fight!

1985, USA, Colour, 90 minutes

Written and directed by Jacques Baggatage

Starring Randall Gunnard, Roxy Chiraz, Bob Juddard

Monotonal steel worker Hank Cannon likes to fight. No one in Pittsburgh can beat him, and he'll take on anyone; drug dealers, co-workers, cops, mimes, burly sailors. He just loves fighting. This causes much confusion as the other characters spend countless amounts of screen time trying to figure out what he's fighting for. The answer is nothing. French director's Baggatage's attempt at a social critique of America has become quite the favourite among the far right and backyard wrestling crowds.

Watch out for – The Cannon twitch; when he does it, you know he's a rumble's coming.

Quote – “I don't want to make love because I might want to fight you later.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Edible Mask - **1/2

Who is behind the mask?

2000, USA, Colour, 104 minutes

Directed by Lou Wrighter. Written by Gervis Granthelm

Starring Susan Aarnoldson, Jim Sagem, Mittens (the cat)

Who is behind the mask? A simple mystery allegedly adapted from a folk tale from Denmark, The Edible Mask takes the audience on a long, sometimes just plain strange journey through the mind of a woman who wishes to become a chef. Just a pity that somebody doesn't want her to! The nice thing about the story is we never really find out who or why this person or people so oppose her career choice. All we know is that they are willing to do nearly anything to stop her, bar murder or physical injury. This being the first of what was fondly hoped to be a new genre of violence free mysteries!

Best line – “All I want to do is to bring the meat and three veg back to America, why do you hate me?” Sadly, her cat couldn't answer that impassioned question.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Crisp Lapels - *

Smooth surface, fierce undertow

1954, Italy, Black & White, 134 minutes

Written and directed Jorge Balaloba

Starring Talgada Ferri, Calderoza Bertuno, Frerita Frerrer

The thoroughly depressing “realisimo” tale of a poor man who spends his family's weekly food budget on lapel cripener so he can look presentable in a job interview. He loses out on the job to the boss's playboy son and spirals downwards into depression, madness, suicide, zombie wandering, family eating, lapel floppery, and eventual quarantine on a rapidly melting iceberg. Only the third act's religious hallucinations give this any sort of 'what the fuck' entertainment value.

Watch out for – the only known film footage of legendary lapel crisper sales man 'Solapa' Manzinni.

Quote – “Surface. Melting surface. In the sun you are no better than the sea.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Cripsey! - ***

What he done again?

1998, India/UK, Colour, 287 minutes

Directed by Rufus Grillings. Written by V M Sakhal

Starring Rakisha Vernon, Billy Tyler

After graduating from Oxbridge, the finest university in United Britain, John Fuller has been sent to India to make his fortune. Pity no one told him the Raj finished 50 years ago! After a humorous series of misunderstandings and near misses with the good people of Bangalore a local man about town rescues him and shows him the joys of Modern India. Together they team up to lead the Indian cricket team as it prepares for the biggest match of the year. Never underestimate the appeal of a cross cultural buddy comedy!

Watch out for – After a misunderstanding with the film's financiers, money ran low for a period, which explains the inexplicably long scenes in the restaurant, then later in the restaurant toilets.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito