That's Big of You - ***

The Atomic Age's Greatest Nightmare: A Cruel Woman

1955, USA, Black & White, 83 minutes

Directed by Lance Wooton. Written by Tay Cropper

Starring Sterling Barfellow, Barbara Foxhill, Cal Ashwood

Lloyd Tolliver is a brilliant but meek atomic scientist whose lab does weapons research for the military. So focused is he on his work that when his dashing business partner begins an affair with his wife he limply stands aside so that it doesn't interfere with the research. But when the calculating couple steal the research money and escape to Los Angeles, Tolliver's switch is flipped. He injects himself with Genetic Radiation (aka Gen-Rad), grows to the size of a modest office building and goes on a revengenous rampage. He is eventually stopped by Navy Frogmen who lay mines in his left ventricle.

Watch out for – chaos at Soviet Science Headquarters when as they watch, via satellite, America's "Gen-Rad Super Beast" running amok. Never have so many ham actors run into the same wall in mock terror.

Quote – "He wanted to give his life to science, and now his pickled organs will educate the young in science museums across America."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Synergy: A Tale in Two Parts - *1/2

Drugs, women, greed, old school tie

2005, USA/UK, Colour, 103 minutes

Directed by Rickardus Mahoney

Starring Sapphire Philips, John Furie, Bill Furie, Lazy Smith and Julie Green as Dean Anderson

Encouraged by tales of corporate greed in the late 1990s three men go to college to study to learn the skills necessary to become a success. This simple premise established the story quickly departs into a swirling vortex of greed, education and furious sculling down the old river flat. A curious juxtaposition of college stereotypes takes up the majority of the film, which sadly leaves precious little room for the much promised stock-market heist or indeed an explanation of the title. Is it trying to be cute? Smart? Ironic?

Watch out for – During the lunchtime theatre scene in the second act there is a pause while everyone looks expectantly at the stable door. It was the perfect moment for a pantomime horse to walk out but the director didn't have the cojones to do the right thing.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Pratfall Parade - *

1967, USA, 84 minutes, Black & White

Compiled by Bobby Oldman

Featuring Chubby Hardbasket, The Flagpole Fops, Hoy Hoy Shinsplint, and many more

A monotonous stream of public domain pratfall clips from third tier silent film comedians. Beside material that lacks wit and panache, the viewer is subjected to nonsensical title cards written by compiler Oldman (who rumour has it was really an aging and senile Chubby Hardcastle). “A cheeky be you, monkey mama” after a dog steals a hot dog out of Hardbasket's back pocket (causing him to fall into wet cement). Or “Now never funny now” as The Flagpole Fops foolishly climb as a group to the top of a flimsy flagpole and tip into a lake. “There's more were you look yon lobster”, “I says you good trespass. Away yo please mister”, and “Fall sister all you doing PARADE” are not even worth explaining.

Watch out for – this movie.

Quote – “Teh Ending FIN”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mysterious Goat - **

Even love hides from mystery

2001, Taiwan, Colour, 98 minutes

Written and Directed by Johnny Fear (translation error?)

Starring Sam Lu, Xi Chu Lung, Lin Zia Yo

Some things never translate well, and why exactly two middle-aged lovers should feel the need to incorporate a herd of mountain goats into their weekly tryst at the Taipei Zoo still escapes me. From the frequent references to the goats during other scenes I suspect it is meant to be a metaphor but dammed if anyone was able to explain it. Still, the cinematography was fantastic, the juxtaposition on a bleak urban environment with a happy goat grazing while naked bodies writhe under a park bench is strangely enticing.

Quote – “If you don't mind, we are having a school party coming through soon and they haven't quite got to comparative biology yet.”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Offal and Tears - **

Today’s Recipe: Pastry, Kidney, Peas, Fingers

1927, UK, Black & White, 54 minutes

Written and directed by Sir Malcolm Killingham

Starring Brycie Gord, Stanley Turkle, Betty Higho, Twirly Swordfish

A piquant, mouth watering expose of the 1920s British meat processing industry. Sure, many meatworkers lose fingers and toes, but they look like tasty gentlemen marinated in the smells and fumes of Britain’s finest slaughterhouses. The love stories are strong, the thick pastries are appetising, and this reviewer went straight from the screening to a merchant of meat-filled delicacies. A rare example of a film succeeding where it hoped to fail.

Watch out for – the way that cute Dorchester gal wields a spatula. Yum!

Quote – “News from the plant dearie; only got to lose one more finger and I get a lifetime pension.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Long Road to Bloody Death – **½

On the Eastern Front every bullet has your name written on it

1978, Austria, Colour, 86 minutes

Written and directed by Juan Schmidt

Starring F. Gallerti (captain), Jorg Altian, Bede Muller, Franck Nodeys , and JJ Smith

World War Two was hardly a love fest at the best of times, and even less so when Juan Schmidt's wild imagination writes, directs and produces what has been called a "bloodthirsty rampage through Europe with guns and blood". Based on a series of short stories from the war section of the pulp fiction market, Long Road to Bloody Death caught hold of the public's imagination in what is to this day is one of the few Austrian films to really do well in the EU and US markets. Turns out people really do like a bit of Nazi rough. Superior voice dubbing as well, which was a pleasant shock.

Quote – "Hans screamed as the knife slit his nasty throat"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Mars Corps - *

Something is fishy up there

1928, Germany, Black & White, 138 minutes

Directed by Klink Longer. Written by F. B. Jaertzer

Starring Stahl Ankler, Maximillion Grech, Greda Alsch

What happens when you load a sci fi/fantasy film with references to current films, celebrities, trends, and products? In eighty years time your film will play about as well as the impenetrable in-joke that is Mars Corp. The story all of these "gags" hang on is about the astronauts of Atlantis who were stranded on Mars when their home sank beneath the waves. With nowhere to land they decided to create a suspiciously peaceful, technologically advanced society. Germany's Mars Corp sees this as an obvious provocation, eyes them up with their superscopes, sees some fancy technology (cars and a cat hospital) which could be turned into an intergalactic rocket if the Martians ever got ideas, and launches a pre-emptive invasion.

The Atlantis Martians, according to the DVD's accompanying three-hour documentary (that was so dull it made me want to punch my eyes out), are based on German silent film stars, their clothes based on historical German fashions, their pets based on German politicians and society figures, and the stores on now defunct German businesses. Fine art direction mixed with a mind-numbing level of product placement may be fine for an issue of Vogue, but as a film it's unbearable.

Watch out for – marskraut, space-strudel, Hanz Marsdromat(?), etc.

Quote – "Hey Hanz, it is much like your family business, but different because people on Mars put the word 'Mars' always in the most foolish locations."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Gaunt Man - *

Henry doesn't like you, and wants you dead

1984, USA/UK, Colour, 128 minutes

Directed by Henry St John. Written by Henry St John, Reggie Wiknit, Hank "Ghastly" Rastly

Starring Peter Holdan, Mercy Jones, Lucy Brown

Or does he? Another stupid mystery thriller that has a great title but doesn't deliver. So far as can be seen the plot involves Henry, a shadowy figure who kills his enemies. Why? It is never explained. All we ever find out is that he constructs elaborate kill sequences that even the most inept investigator could track down. Yet they don't. It is almost like there is a conspiracy of stupid that includes the actors and the production crew in what can only be described as a mystery for jerks who don't much mind being patronised to by fools.

Great line or moment – none

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Face Reader - *

I can read you. You're spelled wrong

1998, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by Frank Skelly. Written by Chad Darkling

Starring Chad Darkling, Allura, The Amazing Kimmy

The movie debut of Las Vegas psychic Chad Darkling is staggeringly imbecilic. Shot in between his performances, it is about his attempts to stop an ancient clan of Super Mages from robbing Pan's Flute Casino where he performs his show. The big dilemma is; what is there for a master of body language to read when he's facing undead, mask-wearing magicians? The answer; instructions for an AK-47. Darklings performance can best be described as “theatrical.”

Watch out for – the random light changes in the outdoor scenes; they would make any Continuity Person's head explode.

Quote – “I'm a master at reading faces, but a skull tells no tales.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Colonel Intolerance – **

A soldier fights till death

1981, India, Clour, 269 minutes

Written and directed by B. J. L. Ghurajt

Starring Rajiv Ram Tippo, Senda Welsh, K James Singh

A shadowy military figure plots to plunge the subcontinent into war in order to further his dreams of power but is nearly tripped up by one of the worst scripts since Tarzan, Jane and Richard hit Broadway. The main problem was that at points it was uncertain whether or not this was actually a work of fiction or reality, as the characters were direct copies of real life contemporary figures in South Asian politics. This gave the film a confusing yet slightly exciting flavour. Despite a general low quality this movie made a refreshing change from the deluge of WW2/Cold War military thrillers of the post war period. Western audiences were often amazed by the elaborate highland military band sequences.

Best Reviewer comment – "Veiled threats make the best kind of political cinema" – Gary Eindhoven

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Classy and Discrete - ***

Goes together like cheatin' and Eton

1967, UK, Colour, 113 minutes

Directed by Nigel Attenwood. Written by Bryce Salmonds

Starring Farley Grant, Lewis Adie, Maxwell Pointer

When Lord Antrim dies his three sons are shocked to discover that he's gambled everything away, bar the country estate. With no real talents of their own aside from being droll Oxford wits, they turn the family estate into a ultra high class Gigolarium hoping to make money and find rich, desperate wives. But things go awry when hippy shopgirl Carly Scluffert organises a big rock concert on the ground the same night as the Brighton Ladies Knitting Club is booked in. Good fun, and the Lewd Lords are a great house band.

Watch out for – the painfully amusing dildo scene when the elder Antrim brother tries to talk Scluffert out of the concert with discounted sex; a rich comic metaphor for the changing power structures of Britain.

Quote – “I'd be able to sit down if the mortgage payment wasn't due tomorrow.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Behind the Dish Washer - **1/2

Every boy becomes a man. Some are forced.

1976, Italy, Colour, 98 minutes

Directed by Benitto Carazi. Written by Benitto Carazi and Tingo Phelps

Starring Billy Polenta, Anna Peruzzi, Maria Carbona, Sonia Phelps

An intriguing horror film that delves into a repressed virginal teenager's fear of growing up but which, depending on your opinion, is either sunk or redeemed by its subplot. Brandon is an eighteen year-old who lives at home but refuses to load the dishwasher because he imagines a hideous creature lives behind it that wants to have sex with him while eating his face. The subplot about a horny witches coven (with much nudity and lesbianism) that Brandon is completely unaware of actually takes up the majority of the running time and has no connection to the rest of the film. Still, the story has a very heart warming denouement.

Watch out for – Brandon trying to buy a chastity belt using his mother's credit card.

Quote – "The spell requires bare flesh. All of you, throw your clothes in the fire."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Toss Race - **

Whoever wins may not like the prize

2007, USA, Colour

Directed by Antin Gohnun . Written by Pete Jones, James Appelnitz, Sally Horits

Starring F. Banks, Jayden Gunner, Louis Levant, Aikomoto Hero, Lebouche Jones (no relation to writer)

Five men are gathered together and made to race across a barren desert, with only a knife and a small bottle of spring water. Why? It is never said. Who? Refer to previous comment. In fact, The Toss Race is simply a poor version of that genre I like to call "hidden puppet master pulls the strings of bewildered star, and there may be an inexplicable government angle".

Line of note – "Femurs are one of those body parts you only miss when gone."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

An Uncomplicated Athlete - *½

Winning was the only thing on his mind

1974, UK, Colour, 96 minutes

Directed by Fyodor Royal. Written by Darwin Ellis

Starring Terrence Freds, Barnanby Toft, Barbara Regal

A grim drama about professional footballer Barry Cullins (Terrence Freds) who literally cares only about the game. The first half of the film sets up several juicy reasons for his state of mind, from failed love affairs to fatherly over ambition to overtraining-related hallucinations. Viewers may not stick with the film in the second half when it’s revealed that his obsession is due simply to being a bit dim. Close equivalent: watching an actual footballer being interviewed.

Watch out for – the teeth and the haircuts.

Quote – “Ooo cares about dat war, eh? Vietnamers aren’t no good at football, woof, their team right stinks.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Sunfire to the Moon - **½

Even the darkest crater can be penetrated with love

2005, USA/France, Black & White, 143 minutes

Directed by Revel. Written by Revel, William Evans.

A sassy name cures many ills, and Sunfire to the Moon is no exception! In an attempt to bring back the spirit of the 1960s - here defined as a weird mix between the '68 riots in France and Woodstock in the US - director Revel, a child of '68, constructs a rather confused kaleidoscope of music, sex and political protest. A series of interwoven stories, sort of like Battle of Algiers, combined with documentary footage builds to a crescendo in the third act as the great concerts of the era promise a New Age. Sadly, the effect built by this long story is then almost totally lost by a now cliched Vietnam sequence right at the end, where the "innocence" of the 1960s was lost. Now this angle was tired way back when Forrest Gump came out, let alone in 2005. But just as the audience makes a resigned sigh, out comes the anti-Iraq rhetoric, and again, we are beaten over the head with the idea that all art is politics, and not just a welcome chance for diversion from real life.

Watch out for – the face of Jimmy Hendrix merging into Bush Junior. Is he tripping or are we?! I sure wished I was.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Montreal Honeymoon - ***

At last – the greatest love story ever told is told

1946, USA, Black & White, 74 minutes

Written and directed by Martin Wing

Starring Bertha Markowitz, Louis Hors

This romantic drama could have been a true masterpiece, if real-life romance hadn’t conspired against writer/director Martin Wing. Superstars Harlan Willoughby and Victoria Lacane dropped out of the project (to elope to Paraguay) and the film was dropped by Summit Studios. Wing didn't give up on his dream project, and managed to personally finance it ten years later. Opinions vary as to whether he was working as a travelling salesman to save money for his project or if he was living under a Montreal underpass and stole a camera from a news crew then cast two people living in a bus shelter (this story even claims he carried around a tattered copy of the script which he would read at least ten times a day). Still others say that he was a cinema verite master and the story of his homelessness was part of a campaign by European critics to diminish the contribution of American filmmakers to this movement. Whatever the truth is, despite the poor acting and sudden camera cuts whenever a siren is heard, the quality of Wing’s script shines through and the film is both bittersweet and unusually romantic.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Likely Story - *

You will believe it

2002, USA, Colour, 234 minutes

Written and directed by B. P. Lucker

Starring Zilo Pastrada, Bunce I. L. Wey, Samantha Yule, Korina Yule

Hyper realism reached a new low when this film was crapped onto the festival circuit. Pastrada, a highly uninteresting high school student, plays himself as he and his fellow classmates attempt to explain to a teacher why they skipped an afternoon of school. The explanations touch on their family and love lives but the stories match the title and none are of any particular dramatic interest. The main problem: the film was improvised, which doesn’t work when your cast are all infuriating idiots.

Watch out for – the end credits. They do come eventually.

Quote – “My dad likes to drink. A glass of wine every other week. It makes me think that being 21 would be nice because it looks good. He let me have a sip once long ago. It was nice…yeah, nice is the word for it. Didn’t let me have any more, I have wounds now. Internal scars...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Furthering of Me – **½

Space; where wars stay cold

1959, USSR, Black &White, 95 minutes

Casting information: Classified

Commercial information: Not relevant. Money is a capitalist construct.

A war has erupted in space between humanity and a malevolent alien force. Through the leadership and technology of the Soviet Union all enemies are overcome and the world is united through the leadership of the enlightened Party of the Proletariat. While this is a particularly blatant example of political science fiction we should not kid ourselves, all fiction is politics, especially science fiction. However there are some great moments, nothing quite like the massed Red Army duking it out with what appeared to be several hundred trucks covered in what I can only hope was greenery.

Watch out for – A Red Army tank driver lecturing US president Dwight Eisenhower as they escape from the burning Statue of Liberty. The subtext of this is that even the most humble of Soviet Citizens is the political equal of a capitalist leader.

Quote – "So you see Dwight, that's how exploitation of the working classes combined with rampant consumerism fueled by capitalism made your people little better than the child-eating, Statue of Liberty-destroying monsters."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito