That's Big of You - ***

The Atomic Age's Greatest Nightmare: A Cruel Woman

1955, USA, Black & White, 83 minutes

Directed by Lance Wooton. Written by Tay Cropper

Starring Sterling Barfellow, Barbara Foxhill, Cal Ashwood

Lloyd Tolliver is a brilliant but meek atomic scientist whose lab does weapons research for the military. So focused is he on his work that when his dashing business partner begins an affair with his wife he limply stands aside so that it doesn't interfere with the research. But when the calculating couple steal the research money and escape to Los Angeles, Tolliver's switch is flipped. He injects himself with Genetic Radiation (aka Gen-Rad), grows to the size of a modest office building and goes on a revengenous rampage. He is eventually stopped by Navy Frogmen who lay mines in his left ventricle.

Watch out for – chaos at Soviet Science Headquarters when as they watch, via satellite, America's "Gen-Rad Super Beast" running amok. Never have so many ham actors run into the same wall in mock terror.

Quote – "He wanted to give his life to science, and now his pickled organs will educate the young in science museums across America."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Synergy: A Tale in Two Parts - *1/2

Drugs, women, greed, old school tie

2005, USA/UK, Colour, 103 minutes

Directed by Rickardus Mahoney

Starring Sapphire Philips, John Furie, Bill Furie, Lazy Smith and Julie Green as Dean Anderson

Encouraged by tales of corporate greed in the late 1990s three men go to college to study to learn the skills necessary to become a success. This simple premise established the story quickly departs into a swirling vortex of greed, education and furious sculling down the old river flat. A curious juxtaposition of college stereotypes takes up the majority of the film, which sadly leaves precious little room for the much promised stock-market heist or indeed an explanation of the title. Is it trying to be cute? Smart? Ironic?

Watch out for – During the lunchtime theatre scene in the second act there is a pause while everyone looks expectantly at the stable door. It was the perfect moment for a pantomime horse to walk out but the director didn't have the cojones to do the right thing.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Pratfall Parade - *

1967, USA, 84 minutes, Black & White

Compiled by Bobby Oldman

Featuring Chubby Hardbasket, The Flagpole Fops, Hoy Hoy Shinsplint, and many more

A monotonous stream of public domain pratfall clips from third tier silent film comedians. Beside material that lacks wit and panache, the viewer is subjected to nonsensical title cards written by compiler Oldman (who rumour has it was really an aging and senile Chubby Hardcastle). “A cheeky be you, monkey mama” after a dog steals a hot dog out of Hardbasket's back pocket (causing him to fall into wet cement). Or “Now never funny now” as The Flagpole Fops foolishly climb as a group to the top of a flimsy flagpole and tip into a lake. “There's more were you look yon lobster”, “I says you good trespass. Away yo please mister”, and “Fall sister all you doing PARADE” are not even worth explaining.

Watch out for – this movie.

Quote – “Teh Ending FIN”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mysterious Goat - **

Even love hides from mystery

2001, Taiwan, Colour, 98 minutes

Written and Directed by Johnny Fear (translation error?)

Starring Sam Lu, Xi Chu Lung, Lin Zia Yo

Some things never translate well, and why exactly two middle-aged lovers should feel the need to incorporate a herd of mountain goats into their weekly tryst at the Taipei Zoo still escapes me. From the frequent references to the goats during other scenes I suspect it is meant to be a metaphor but dammed if anyone was able to explain it. Still, the cinematography was fantastic, the juxtaposition on a bleak urban environment with a happy goat grazing while naked bodies writhe under a park bench is strangely enticing.

Quote – “If you don't mind, we are having a school party coming through soon and they haven't quite got to comparative biology yet.”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Offal and Tears - **

Today’s Recipe: Pastry, Kidney, Peas, Fingers

1927, UK, Black & White, 54 minutes

Written and directed by Sir Malcolm Killingham

Starring Brycie Gord, Stanley Turkle, Betty Higho, Twirly Swordfish

A piquant, mouth watering expose of the 1920s British meat processing industry. Sure, many meatworkers lose fingers and toes, but they look like tasty gentlemen marinated in the smells and fumes of Britain’s finest slaughterhouses. The love stories are strong, the thick pastries are appetising, and this reviewer went straight from the screening to a merchant of meat-filled delicacies. A rare example of a film succeeding where it hoped to fail.

Watch out for – the way that cute Dorchester gal wields a spatula. Yum!

Quote – “News from the plant dearie; only got to lose one more finger and I get a lifetime pension.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Long Road to Bloody Death – **½

On the Eastern Front every bullet has your name written on it

1978, Austria, Colour, 86 minutes

Written and directed by Juan Schmidt

Starring F. Gallerti (captain), Jorg Altian, Bede Muller, Franck Nodeys , and JJ Smith

World War Two was hardly a love fest at the best of times, and even less so when Juan Schmidt's wild imagination writes, directs and produces what has been called a "bloodthirsty rampage through Europe with guns and blood". Based on a series of short stories from the war section of the pulp fiction market, Long Road to Bloody Death caught hold of the public's imagination in what is to this day is one of the few Austrian films to really do well in the EU and US markets. Turns out people really do like a bit of Nazi rough. Superior voice dubbing as well, which was a pleasant shock.

Quote – "Hans screamed as the knife slit his nasty throat"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Mars Corps - *

Something is fishy up there

1928, Germany, Black & White, 138 minutes

Directed by Klink Longer. Written by F. B. Jaertzer

Starring Stahl Ankler, Maximillion Grech, Greda Alsch

What happens when you load a sci fi/fantasy film with references to current films, celebrities, trends, and products? In eighty years time your film will play about as well as the impenetrable in-joke that is Mars Corp. The story all of these "gags" hang on is about the astronauts of Atlantis who were stranded on Mars when their home sank beneath the waves. With nowhere to land they decided to create a suspiciously peaceful, technologically advanced society. Germany's Mars Corp sees this as an obvious provocation, eyes them up with their superscopes, sees some fancy technology (cars and a cat hospital) which could be turned into an intergalactic rocket if the Martians ever got ideas, and launches a pre-emptive invasion.

The Atlantis Martians, according to the DVD's accompanying three-hour documentary (that was so dull it made me want to punch my eyes out), are based on German silent film stars, their clothes based on historical German fashions, their pets based on German politicians and society figures, and the stores on now defunct German businesses. Fine art direction mixed with a mind-numbing level of product placement may be fine for an issue of Vogue, but as a film it's unbearable.

Watch out for – marskraut, space-strudel, Hanz Marsdromat(?), etc.

Quote – "Hey Hanz, it is much like your family business, but different because people on Mars put the word 'Mars' always in the most foolish locations."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Gaunt Man - *

Henry doesn't like you, and wants you dead

1984, USA/UK, Colour, 128 minutes

Directed by Henry St John. Written by Henry St John, Reggie Wiknit, Hank "Ghastly" Rastly

Starring Peter Holdan, Mercy Jones, Lucy Brown

Or does he? Another stupid mystery thriller that has a great title but doesn't deliver. So far as can be seen the plot involves Henry, a shadowy figure who kills his enemies. Why? It is never explained. All we ever find out is that he constructs elaborate kill sequences that even the most inept investigator could track down. Yet they don't. It is almost like there is a conspiracy of stupid that includes the actors and the production crew in what can only be described as a mystery for jerks who don't much mind being patronised to by fools.

Great line or moment – none

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

The Face Reader - *

I can read you. You're spelled wrong

1998, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by Frank Skelly. Written by Chad Darkling

Starring Chad Darkling, Allura, The Amazing Kimmy

The movie debut of Las Vegas psychic Chad Darkling is staggeringly imbecilic. Shot in between his performances, it is about his attempts to stop an ancient clan of Super Mages from robbing Pan's Flute Casino where he performs his show. The big dilemma is; what is there for a master of body language to read when he's facing undead, mask-wearing magicians? The answer; instructions for an AK-47. Darklings performance can best be described as “theatrical.”

Watch out for – the random light changes in the outdoor scenes; they would make any Continuity Person's head explode.

Quote – “I'm a master at reading faces, but a skull tells no tales.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Colonel Intolerance – **

A soldier fights till death

1981, India, Clour, 269 minutes

Written and directed by B. J. L. Ghurajt

Starring Rajiv Ram Tippo, Senda Welsh, K James Singh

A shadowy military figure plots to plunge the subcontinent into war in order to further his dreams of power but is nearly tripped up by one of the worst scripts since Tarzan, Jane and Richard hit Broadway. The main problem was that at points it was uncertain whether or not this was actually a work of fiction or reality, as the characters were direct copies of real life contemporary figures in South Asian politics. This gave the film a confusing yet slightly exciting flavour. Despite a general low quality this movie made a refreshing change from the deluge of WW2/Cold War military thrillers of the post war period. Western audiences were often amazed by the elaborate highland military band sequences.

Best Reviewer comment – "Veiled threats make the best kind of political cinema" – Gary Eindhoven

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Classy and Discrete - ***

Goes together like cheatin' and Eton

1967, UK, Colour, 113 minutes

Directed by Nigel Attenwood. Written by Bryce Salmonds

Starring Farley Grant, Lewis Adie, Maxwell Pointer

When Lord Antrim dies his three sons are shocked to discover that he's gambled everything away, bar the country estate. With no real talents of their own aside from being droll Oxford wits, they turn the family estate into a ultra high class Gigolarium hoping to make money and find rich, desperate wives. But things go awry when hippy shopgirl Carly Scluffert organises a big rock concert on the ground the same night as the Brighton Ladies Knitting Club is booked in. Good fun, and the Lewd Lords are a great house band.

Watch out for – the painfully amusing dildo scene when the elder Antrim brother tries to talk Scluffert out of the concert with discounted sex; a rich comic metaphor for the changing power structures of Britain.

Quote – “I'd be able to sit down if the mortgage payment wasn't due tomorrow.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Behind the Dish Washer - **1/2

Every boy becomes a man. Some are forced.

1976, Italy, Colour, 98 minutes

Directed by Benitto Carazi. Written by Benitto Carazi and Tingo Phelps

Starring Billy Polenta, Anna Peruzzi, Maria Carbona, Sonia Phelps

An intriguing horror film that delves into a repressed virginal teenager's fear of growing up but which, depending on your opinion, is either sunk or redeemed by its subplot. Brandon is an eighteen year-old who lives at home but refuses to load the dishwasher because he imagines a hideous creature lives behind it that wants to have sex with him while eating his face. The subplot about a horny witches coven (with much nudity and lesbianism) that Brandon is completely unaware of actually takes up the majority of the running time and has no connection to the rest of the film. Still, the story has a very heart warming denouement.

Watch out for – Brandon trying to buy a chastity belt using his mother's credit card.

Quote – "The spell requires bare flesh. All of you, throw your clothes in the fire."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Toss Race - **

Whoever wins may not like the prize

2007, USA, Colour

Directed by Antin Gohnun . Written by Pete Jones, James Appelnitz, Sally Horits

Starring F. Banks, Jayden Gunner, Louis Levant, Aikomoto Hero, Lebouche Jones (no relation to writer)

Five men are gathered together and made to race across a barren desert, with only a knife and a small bottle of spring water. Why? It is never said. Who? Refer to previous comment. In fact, The Toss Race is simply a poor version of that genre I like to call "hidden puppet master pulls the strings of bewildered star, and there may be an inexplicable government angle".

Line of note – "Femurs are one of those body parts you only miss when gone."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

An Uncomplicated Athlete - *½

Winning was the only thing on his mind

1974, UK, Colour, 96 minutes

Directed by Fyodor Royal. Written by Darwin Ellis

Starring Terrence Freds, Barnanby Toft, Barbara Regal

A grim drama about professional footballer Barry Cullins (Terrence Freds) who literally cares only about the game. The first half of the film sets up several juicy reasons for his state of mind, from failed love affairs to fatherly over ambition to overtraining-related hallucinations. Viewers may not stick with the film in the second half when it’s revealed that his obsession is due simply to being a bit dim. Close equivalent: watching an actual footballer being interviewed.

Watch out for – the teeth and the haircuts.

Quote – “Ooo cares about dat war, eh? Vietnamers aren’t no good at football, woof, their team right stinks.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Sunfire to the Moon - **½

Even the darkest crater can be penetrated with love

2005, USA/France, Black & White, 143 minutes

Directed by Revel. Written by Revel, William Evans.

A sassy name cures many ills, and Sunfire to the Moon is no exception! In an attempt to bring back the spirit of the 1960s - here defined as a weird mix between the '68 riots in France and Woodstock in the US - director Revel, a child of '68, constructs a rather confused kaleidoscope of music, sex and political protest. A series of interwoven stories, sort of like Battle of Algiers, combined with documentary footage builds to a crescendo in the third act as the great concerts of the era promise a New Age. Sadly, the effect built by this long story is then almost totally lost by a now cliched Vietnam sequence right at the end, where the "innocence" of the 1960s was lost. Now this angle was tired way back when Forrest Gump came out, let alone in 2005. But just as the audience makes a resigned sigh, out comes the anti-Iraq rhetoric, and again, we are beaten over the head with the idea that all art is politics, and not just a welcome chance for diversion from real life.

Watch out for – the face of Jimmy Hendrix merging into Bush Junior. Is he tripping or are we?! I sure wished I was.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Montreal Honeymoon - ***

At last – the greatest love story ever told is told

1946, USA, Black & White, 74 minutes

Written and directed by Martin Wing

Starring Bertha Markowitz, Louis Hors

This romantic drama could have been a true masterpiece, if real-life romance hadn’t conspired against writer/director Martin Wing. Superstars Harlan Willoughby and Victoria Lacane dropped out of the project (to elope to Paraguay) and the film was dropped by Summit Studios. Wing didn't give up on his dream project, and managed to personally finance it ten years later. Opinions vary as to whether he was working as a travelling salesman to save money for his project or if he was living under a Montreal underpass and stole a camera from a news crew then cast two people living in a bus shelter (this story even claims he carried around a tattered copy of the script which he would read at least ten times a day). Still others say that he was a cinema verite master and the story of his homelessness was part of a campaign by European critics to diminish the contribution of American filmmakers to this movement. Whatever the truth is, despite the poor acting and sudden camera cuts whenever a siren is heard, the quality of Wing’s script shines through and the film is both bittersweet and unusually romantic.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Likely Story - *

You will believe it

2002, USA, Colour, 234 minutes

Written and directed by B. P. Lucker

Starring Zilo Pastrada, Bunce I. L. Wey, Samantha Yule, Korina Yule

Hyper realism reached a new low when this film was crapped onto the festival circuit. Pastrada, a highly uninteresting high school student, plays himself as he and his fellow classmates attempt to explain to a teacher why they skipped an afternoon of school. The explanations touch on their family and love lives but the stories match the title and none are of any particular dramatic interest. The main problem: the film was improvised, which doesn’t work when your cast are all infuriating idiots.

Watch out for – the end credits. They do come eventually.

Quote – “My dad likes to drink. A glass of wine every other week. It makes me think that being 21 would be nice because it looks good. He let me have a sip once long ago. It was nice…yeah, nice is the word for it. Didn’t let me have any more, I have wounds now. Internal scars...”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Furthering of Me – **½

Space; where wars stay cold

1959, USSR, Black &White, 95 minutes

Casting information: Classified

Commercial information: Not relevant. Money is a capitalist construct.

A war has erupted in space between humanity and a malevolent alien force. Through the leadership and technology of the Soviet Union all enemies are overcome and the world is united through the leadership of the enlightened Party of the Proletariat. While this is a particularly blatant example of political science fiction we should not kid ourselves, all fiction is politics, especially science fiction. However there are some great moments, nothing quite like the massed Red Army duking it out with what appeared to be several hundred trucks covered in what I can only hope was greenery.

Watch out for – A Red Army tank driver lecturing US president Dwight Eisenhower as they escape from the burning Statue of Liberty. The subtext of this is that even the most humble of Soviet Citizens is the political equal of a capitalist leader.

Quote – "So you see Dwight, that's how exploitation of the working classes combined with rampant consumerism fueled by capitalism made your people little better than the child-eating, Statue of Liberty-destroying monsters."

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Clack - *

Build it. Build it. Play again.

1984, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Directed by Nigel Attenwood. Written by Randy “T-bone” Turner

Starring Cary James, Bobbi Regent, Hans Schemeckler

A weak attempt to dramatise the popular block building arcade game of the early 80's. In the game, players are given the outline of a building, and have to manouver different shaped blocks in the space to build it without any extra bits. The movie is about a firm of architects that take the most extreme jobs on earth; moving blocks around volcanos and on the moon in a similar (and similarly dull) manner to the game. One of their clients turns out to be using one of their old buildings (in the Antarctic) as a world-threatening base of operations. As the only people with knowledge of the site they're sent in to “unbuild” it. Crap action scenes. Nice scenery.

Watch out for – British director Attenwood (defining slumming with this film) in his cameo as an amazed newspaperman.

Quote – “The nuclear warheads I can deal with, it's the wallpaper that really vandalises my design.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Teeth - *

Before you are digested you pass through its TEETH

1981, USA/Honduras, Colour, 73 minutes

Directed by Gary Ploughman. Written by Lance Pitt, Kyle Horscholt, Len DeWitt

Starring Gary Ploughman Lance Pitt, Kyle Horscholt, Len DeWitt

Originally titled Squid! with a script written by romance novelist Bruno Timpani, this film started as another Jaws rip off before the special effects crew spent the entire film’s budget on a hydraulic set of teeth. Unfortunately squid don’t have teeth, and with no hope of being paid, all of the actors and most of the crew quit the film. Director Ploughman and a few members of the lighting team who had nothing else to do rewrote the film. They centered the action on a drunken night time picnic beside an ominous stream, and each played multiple roles rather badly.

Watch out for – A visual encyclopaedia of all the angles a hydraulic set of teeth can be shot from.

Quote – “We’re in the middle of the most dangerous game of snap in history!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Garnisher – *

Mr Paisley don't like you

2001, USA, Colour, 105 minutes

Directed by Jason Adlaison. Written by Chris Van Sioe, Pauline Wood

Starring George Gusz, Chris Van Sioe, Julie Smith

Every society needs stone cold professional killers. The type of people who can strangle anyone without going all emo, who go to only the hottest clubs, who have some sort of inherent style that make them sex magnets. Or so a thousand or so action films have told us. This is just another one of those films, except of course for the name of killer, The Garnisher! The choice of name may suggest desperation, but it actually serves a purpose, in that most viewers stay watching, hoping that the garnisher name will make for an interesting angle, maybe in a kitchen. But it never does, hell, they don't even visit a restaurant for the hotel date scene, what kind of hotel doesn't have a classy restaurant, laden with food/kitchen related humour?

Quote – "I'll garnish you!" - yelled by Act 3's Mr Big as he waves his silver pistol at the "hero".

My reaction – I coined a new term, the "groigger" - a combination of groan and snigger in honour of this film.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Funny Fist - ***

The lighter side of violence

1983, Hong Kong, Colour, 90 minutes

Directed by Leonardos Ho. No writer credited.

Starring Jackie Lee, Ron Goldman, Kwok Van Heller, John Lee Rocker

Painfully funny kung fu farce starring Jackie Lee, the scandalously neglected heir to the thrones of Brute Lee, Jocky Chan, Jackie Pan, and Bruce Eel. Lee stars as Jackie, the only remaining student of a kung fu school that teaches the Funny Fist: a technique of unrivalled power in bringing laughter to one's enemies and peace to children and old women. But his dubious martial background makes him unwanted by the kung fu fighting advnturers he hopes to explore the world with, so he toils away in his home village violently entertaining children. When Dutch marauders hit town while all the other warriors are away questing, it gives him the chance to prove himself. Cue a heady stream of Dutch puns, fart jokes, prat falls, a brilliant “Tulip Fever” marketplace routine, and the greatest unicycle fight scene in history. But ... Sterm, the leader of the Dutch villains, is known as The Man Who Never Laughs. Can Jackie tickle his ribs?

Watch out for – the classic closing freeze frame on a grinning Sterm.

Quote – “I want an encore even though it means getting hit again.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Further From the Sea - *½

Ever wish you could meet the director and punch them in the face?

1993, USA, Colour, 100 minutes

Written and directed by Sally T McGowen.

Starring A. Smith

A young boy growing up in North Dakota dreams of the sea as he faces the struggles and opportunities eternal to all youth. Or at least that is what the producers tried to sell the film as, instead the audience, such as it was, was subjected to a chaotic mix of narration, playground montages and dull stock footage of the ocean. Bemusement greeted screenings of the film at even the most pretentious of film schools and independent film festivals. What made this far worse was that the director's debut was the superb Self Shine, which goes to show that lurking within every fresh new, promising director is a pretentious, hackneyed wanker waiting to get out.

Interesting points - Blurring the faces of all the main character was self indulgent at best.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Zloti: Fiend From a Million Suns - *

The Worst Tenant in the Universe Just Moved in Next Door

1954, USA, Black & White, 78 minutes

Directed by Derrick Banner. Written by Fyodor Zykvil

Starring Grant Reefly, Norma Zands, Wilson Frederick, Willy Urle

Dull, drab, pathetic sci fi film about a supposed ‘Intergalactic Mega Fiend’ that lives in suns, leaving them dirty and in disrepair when he moves on. He has just moved into his latest residence, our sun. 76 minutes of the plot involves the actors in a cardboard planetarium looking through a backyard telescope and somehow working out what is happening. The final two minutes show a spaceship made from a tin can on a string delivering an eviction order to a man in a yellow jump suit.

Watch out for – Zloti’s ass crack when he climbs out of the sun and runs away.

Quote – “Our sun is no space playboy’s pad.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Self Shine - ****

Let's Party!

1991, USA/Canada, Colour, Running Time

Directed by Sally T McGowen. Written by

Starring John Daily, Tracey Author, Arbor Saislink and someone called simply “Siren”

While masquerading as the tale of an immigrant trying to make his way in a new country, Self Shine is in-fact a surreal guide on how to be a hedonist on minimum wage. With a superb script and male lead (Saislink) this has to be one of the stand-up examples of the American Dream. So next time that guy with the accent on the street asks to shine your shoes, just say “Let’s party” It is just a pity the director’s follow-up film was the thrice dammed Further From the Sea.

Odd moment – Well, pretty much the first 30 minutes is odd. Keep an eye out for mocking references to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 film Coming to America.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Crikey, Sheila - ***

Bloody hell woman!!!

1986, Australia, Colour, 88 minutes

Directed by Lobo Cluggins. Written by Tingo Malinga

Starring Matty Green, Sharon Ockley

An amusing Aussie comedy about a hapless carpenter with “the dizziest wife in the state”. Oh, that Sheila and the problems she causes Murray. Those problems go from crazy to zany when they decide to buy a rundown outback pub and restore it to its former glory. Lovers of slapstick and pratfalls and impossible-to-overuse catchphrases will love this one.

Watch out for – the installation of the grand staircase, which should have Chaplin crying in his pinebox.

Quote – What else could it be but “Crickey, Sheila”?

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Surviving the Net – ***

Information is powerful, and the Internet is a killer

2005, USA, Colour, 91 minutes

Written and directed by Jimmy "lolz" Kant

Starring P. K. French, Veere Illyonich

Generally when a filmmaker attempts to incorporate the internet or computers into a project bad things happen. Think The Net and You've Got M@il. With so much to live up to Surviving could have been incredibly bad, like with lame graphical representations of people typing stuff into search engines. Happily a glorious ensemble of physical humour and ultraviolence quickly ensures that the focus of the film is events, not technology. Plus there are all kinds of deliciously loaded lines which will leave the audience groaning with delight. When hero Jack single handily uses his mad hacking skills to remove the pants of his nemesis while said nemesis is at an important business meeting you can't help but cheer at the screen.

Quote - “I'll phreak you all ways to Friday before I make you wish it was still Monday so you could start all over....you're a chick, right?"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Paid to Sex - **½

Me Happy Time Make You FUN!

1988, Japan/USA, Colour, 95 minutes

Directed by Mashimoto Mashimata. Written by Daryl Dweebly

Starring Yuko Mishima, ‘Teddy Bear’ Traylor, Kurt Kolder, The Camel Club’s Famous Dancing Humpettes

A charmingly naïve Japanese prostitute, Yumi, moves to Las Vegas and finds it quite different from the glittering paradise she imagined. But what seems like it will be just an American-based Japanese torture film (written by the editor of USA’s biggest fan magazine J-Tied), turns into a rabid mishmash of every Japanese film genre. A weird customer dies on Yumi, and the cybernetic suit that was possessing him takes her over…cue painful mutations, sword play, creepy children, giant monsters, long static shots of tea ceremonies, brutal violence to men’s groins, ninjas, alien invaders, Las Vegas showgirls becoming cat beasts, and some more torture. The result does not gel, but does have a nice soundtrack of ‘60s Japanese rock songs.

Watch out for – the famous “flicker scene”. Nearly every rental VHS in existence is damaged due to overplaying of the scene with a three second shot of Yumi’s left nipple.

Quote – “I like to make erection…hahaha for you to make. No me. Hahahaha.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Freedom Beckons! - ***½

Sleep deep in liberty's knapsack

1948, USA, Black & White, 97 minutes

Written and directed by Kurt K Harthorn

In recent years the spate of mockumentaries and sarcastic types like Michael Moore have warped the propaganda documentary genre. This unfairly detracts from the glory that is 1948's Freedom Beckons! Filmed immediately before the Cold War really began it is a breathlessly excited journey through the newly liberated states of Europe. Do we care if the producers were being ironic? No!

Watch out for – The Narrator trying to trade a box of Lucky Strikes for more film

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Elbows, Knees and Death - **½

You’ll be Lucky to Leave the Theatre With Teeth, Mate

1975, Australia, Colour, 72 minutes

Written and directed by Bruno and Mark Taylor.

Starring Bruno Taylor, Mark Taylor, Laura Taylor

Super low budget martial arts film that makes up for its lack of script, acting, lighting, sets, costumes, continuity, direction, and music with some of the most energetic fight scenes of the 1970s. Outback Martial Arts champion Bruno Taylor and his twin brother Mark star as medieval warriors flung into the future who must rescue a princess (played by their sister) from a metal fortress. In their way are, due to casting restrictions, numerous clones (all of this is explained by narration). What sets this film apart is the absolute ferocity with which Bruno and Mark attack each other. Filmed in sequence, you can actually see the brutal physical toll the filming takes on the hapless stars.

Watch out for – Bruno repeatedly breaking character while holding back tears of rage and shoving a land deed in Mark’s face.

Quote – “Crikes, you bloody bugger, if you’d just filed the dredging forms we wouldn’ta lost mamma’s land.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Caged and the Craven - ***

Steel can cleave hearts magic cannot touch

1986, Italy, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Marucs Cartwright (Gila Fufi). Written by Jorge Lourderer

Starring Steve Porter, Wrightman Carweather, Tila Nonez

When powerful (but annoyingly sensitive) wizards liberate a mystical city from a Demon Lord, they are too scared to immediately release any of the kick ass barbarians held in the city's jails. Instead they subject them to a series of magical tortures to pacify them prior to their assimilation into the new, enlightened society. It works temporarily, but after living in a city full of self-righteous jerks for about two days their awesomely violent nature is re-awakened and they crush the wizards in satisfying fashion. Fun.

Watch out for – that odd subplot about the giant snake in the sewers. It goes nowhere.

Quote – “No man puts quiche recipes in my mind. NO MAN!!!”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

The Black Cable - *½

You better hope it's long enough

2000, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by G. Iriani. Written by Jan Smit, Euad Grant (PhD)

Starring June Meredith, Ian Burns, Bosworth Brandt

The Cold War is long over, and a new threat has arisen, one that makes the Soviets look like a bunch of Quakers out on a knees up. That's right, neo-syndicalism is back, and this time it isn't taking 'no' for an answer . The Black Cable is an example of the brief Dot Com "I have too much money" movie wave of 2000, before the money evaporated back into the ether. While the title sort of gives this away the real clue is the "in joke" references to networking technology. I suspect it isn't really that funny even to networking geeks.

Quote – “You idiot, I said RJ friggen 45 not RJ 11! You've doomed us all!”

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Awfully Sorry - ***

Being meek just became the ultimate power trip

1976, UK, Colour, 93 minutes

Directed by Cubby Stanley. Written by Harry Hochley

Starring Derrick Biggers, Gertrude Watts, Tyler Ironovic

An interesting, if overly ridiculous, thriller about a meek British law clerk who is put upon by workmates and his overbearing mother and always forced to apologise, even when he's not at fault. He begins to view apologising as his only source of power, and becomes addicted to the thrill of it. He starts putting himself in more and more dangerous situations so the apology will make him feel more powerful, but will he be stopped before he commits the ultimate apologisable act: murder?

Watch out for – that wild scene at the punk rock concert.

Quote – “I'm awfully sorry that happened to your knickers, ma'am.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Presence of Mynd - ***½

Existence in the blink of a high

1984, Italy, Colour, 157 minutes

Directed by Serito Pantoni. Written by Mantino Motto

Starring Humberto Ilago, Sabina Frida, Nunzio Drahma, Takahito Azuma

The earth is merely the hallucinations of a wizard high on a drug called Mynd. Parts of the world begin to disappear when the wizard's parents send him to a detox centre. It's up to a rag-tag group of heroes (a big game hunter, a samurai, a Colombian drug lord, and a beat poet) to travel out of the wizard's mind to his world and try to keep him high. Sadly the genre of sorcery-related metaphysical adventure never caught on outside of the town halls of Sicily, the only place Pantoni's films have ever screened.

Watch out for – the scene where our heroes are shoved into a waiting room with other hallucinations of detoxing Mynd addicts.

Quote – “I thought we were special, but there's nothing special about drugs. Other than the ability to imagine entire worlds and civilisations.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Honey, I Dug Up Your Corpse - ***

Aren't you happy to see me?

1988, USA, Colour, 99 minutes

Written and directed by Gary Croami

Starring Billy Tyler, Roxy, Gary Arlaxyle, Timmy, Mindy, Kimmy, Tito, Tamara

Pity poor noble Murray. He goes to all the trouble to dig up his girlfriend (a former drug addict who found God) and anger his Lord by restoring her to life, only to find that she's shacked up in hell with her old boyfriend; a truck driver who died in a fiery crash when he was 35 and she was 14. And her ex wants his lady back. The Hell Trucks are a triumph of special effects imagination, and the central romance would make Tennessee Williams gasp, but the whole enterprise is let down by the bus load of orphans Murray has to repeatedly keep out of trouble.

Watch out for – the circling of the Hell Trucks scene.

Quote – "I need a volunteer to steady my shotgun. Which one of you kids has the flattest head?"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Mayhaps, Adventure - *

Run, fatty. Run!

1922, USA, Black & White, 42 minutes

Directed by Jaime Polotzin. Written by Marshall Oafmin

Starring Porky Carruthers, Lisa Bentley

A less than thrilling silent film about an awkwardly obese police officer (Porky Carruthers, a vaudeville comedian who never caught on in films) trying to enjoy his honeymoon with his unrealistically hot wife. All the while he has to avoid getting into any adventures (on doctor’s orders). The adventures he has to avoid are stock footage from far more exciting films, and he runs away before we get a good look at them.

Watch out for – A young Billy O’Groats playing one of wrestlers at the Luchadore Convention.

Quote – The title card that says “Yikes!” is used about a thousand times.

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Thoroughly Gripping – ***½

LOL!!

2007, USA , Colour, 76 minutes

Directed by Glorious. B. Visage (afraid to use real name for fear or retaliation)

Written by Johnny Roffle, I. Nic Staines (see above)

Ever read publicity material for a film or book that doesn't bare any relationship with the truth or even the English language? You are not alone, as this documentary on the review industry proves. So just why do the industry persist in throwing out unbelievable praise on the junk they produce? Is it hubris or part of a wider conspiracy to defraud the American public? Turns out it's the latter.

Great moment – The hidden camera scene when a gang of school kids beat up the writer of the now infamous "tweenies will love twinnies" comment for one of the forgettable Olsen Twins vehicles.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Tautology – *

Even parallel lines have a twist

2006, UK, Colour, 89 minutes

Directed by Ellison Wayne. Written by Artie Ore

Starring Mykalah Ash, Chad McCath, Candi Streed

More slop in the direct-to-DVD-psych101-puzzle-torture-pig's trough. In this iteration a mute killer, The Wordsmith, is kidnapping (despite having no arms) people who he's heard using his most despised verbal construct; the tautology. For The Wordsmith cannot speak, thus he is revolted by people rubbing his face in it by saying the same things twice. So he subjects his victims to a series of tautological word games, with a matching gruesome death for those who fail. And thus he makes himself feel better.

Watch out for – the ending which the filmmakers have to, by their own rules, fudge

Quote – "If Romita and Bolero are burned to death in succession one after the other, who should die former, who should die first, who later, and who last so the Bolero may live?"

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderunk

Six Ways to Texas III – *

That Longhorn ain't smiling

1987, USA, Colour, 112 minutes

Directed by U Ghant. Written by R Kal Fern

Starring Tommy Bacon, Lucy Garner, Jayden Soont

Before Texas became famous for Bush and illegal immigrants it was known as the home of the fiercest cattle in the world, the Longhorn. Historically they were the foundation of the wealth of Texas, shipped out to the Eastern cities by their millions. Why am I telling you this? Filler.

Filler is necessary when the studio forces an already tired film franchise to come back for one more showing. It isn't necessarily a bad concept – a road trip to Houston that goes terribly wrong when the pickup breaks down in the middle of a cattle drive – but how the hell it can be milked three times defies belief. However the real question is – how much did the local Cattle Rancher's Association sink into this series before they realised film making wasn't really for them?

Anyway. A high school prayer group are heading for the big meet in Houston. It has been a long hard season, but they've beaten the competition and now it's time for state finals. They've beaten the county and tri-county champs (I & II), and it seems like nothing can stop them. Nothing except Satan and a herd of angry cattle. Despite the slightly lame Christian premise this is a solid attempt at frat humour, but with high school kids.

Great moment – When Mr Collins parts the trail drive like the Red Sea then gets pelted with beer cans by the trailhands for blaspheming.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Continue - **

One Quarter – One Life

1985, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Brick Youngly. Written by Hope Kyo

Starring Mike Corey, Michael Corman, Mikey Carey

Passable kid's film concering a video game arcade that comes to life in a lightning storm – the truants and punks manage to get all the characters back in the game only to discover that they've trapped some of their friends in there too. Mild excitement abounds as they run to the change counter to get quarters before the continue counter hits zero and their friends die. Notable for the downbeat ending; after returning to their loveless homes at the end of the day, they all return to the arcade and try to climb into the arcade machines.

Watch out for – the unveiling of the Golden Free Credit Coathanger.

Quote – “Some say Zack found the coathanger stuck in a mystic stone and was the only one who could pull it out. Others say it was a robotic angel's tampon.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Furious John - **1/2

He isn't just angry, he's furious!

1991, USA, Colour, 81 minutes

Directed by G.J. Schmidt. Written by Peaceable Johns

Starring Peaceable Johns, Klaus Tratt, Kitten Seyo, Lucy Brown

John is a peaceable man, happily farming his small plot of land in the rural idyll of Nicetown until the Tax Man comes to visit. Knowing that he cannot pay, John desperately seeks for a distraction, when he remembers the story of 1001 Arabian Nights. Sadly for the Taxman, John isn't a very good story teller, but despite himself he cannot stop listening to a series of stories that would do a child in a creative writing class proud. Over the following hour we are exposed to morality plays, and the occasional sexy diversion, all of which seem designed to make one question the morality of taxes while also the incredible shitness that is the genre of movies-as-homilies.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Donnybrook Farm - ***

More fun than a barrel of nuns!

1964, UK, Colour, 100 minutes

Directed by Clyde Brywry. Written by Man Harrison

Starring Argyle Bartwright, Tom Smith, Georgie O'Hallahan, Sam Dirkens

Before Fight Club made organised fisticuffs a past time suitable only for angsty schizophrenics, Donnybrook Farm showed that a good-natured weekend of setting-to was just what stressed men of all social strata needed. The plot is set in motion through a tensely humorous ten minutes of expositional grudgery, pitting merchants against workers, and workers against waifs. When the police put a stop to what would be the biggest brawl in Edinburgh history, Farmer Clemsly says the immortal words; "Boys, we can fight on my farm!" What follows is 90 minutes of high-spirited brawling which end once everyone has punched their animosities away.

Watch out for – the classic "Dog's Bucket Routine"

Quote – "Aye, Colin. That 'twas a fine haymaker that I didnae see comin'."

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Dear Sir, I Am Going To Kill You All – **

Someone's been a naughty boy

1961, USA/Italy, Black & White, 92 minutes

Directed by Juan Smith. Written by H.R.A. Mervi

Starring Gus "Gussy" Trini, Peter Charles

A much-loved teacher nears his well-earned retirement and begins planning his new life as a professional loiterer, when a phone call changes his life. He is now the target of a vicious killer, who will stop at nothing in order to kill beloved teacher. What could a man so well loved have done to deserve such a fate? Well, despite the occasional hint, we never really know. But we are treated to a smorgasbord of chilling phone conversations and the occasional alleyway confrontation, and when done well, this is quite enough excitement for this reviewer!

Trivia – Apparently inspired by early civil rights campaigners, although god knows how or indeed why

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Call Me a Dilettante, Will You? - *

It means nothing from a bunch of ignorant pig dogs

1943, USA, Black & White, 46 minutes

Written and directed by Anonymous (Traynor Willingham)

Starring masked unknowns

This poisonous slander film was made by Traynor Willingham, short fiction writer and flash-in-the-pan novelist, as revenge on the circle of New York literary critics who had savaged his work over the years. The film “starred” these critics (actually out-of-work Broadway actors wearing pig and dog masks) reading their reviews in a faux-retarded manner and simulating a daisy chain around a garbage dumpster. The film was shown at private parties before it was buried due to court proceedings. This has been making the rounds on the bootleg circuit for a few years, but unless there is a renewal of interest in Willinghams rather hysterical prose style, this will remain an oddity.

Watch out for – Willingham’s hand entering the frame at one point, tugging the choke chain of one of the actors who tries to run away.

Quote – “Hiisssth pwose stiiilll isth amacherisssh…” (and so on)

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

A Back Country Tale – *

The forbidden lies...in the Back Country

1997, USA, Colour, 102 minutes

Directed by Falconi Roberts (he went to directing MTV videos after this)

Actors - they all seem to be called A Smith. Never trust re-released DVDs

For a brief period in the late 1990s, '97 to be precise, it was possible to make some rather strange films funded by Hollywood money. And I don't means strange like seeing a 3-headed cow, I mean strange like Billy, a man who has a criminally needful lust for his of-legal-age sister. Of course this being Hollywood it is dressed up with a proper three act structure that makes this whole visual experience even stranger. The story line is pure dime store disturbo-erotica, but with the kind of production values that only $30 million can bring.

Best moment – well, lets move on.

Best Line – "You know, it is awful cold outside, and the fire is burning REAL bright inside, lets fuck"

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Arachnude - **1/2

You are the fly in her web of desire

1968, USA, Colour, 76 minutes

Directed by Bam Bamley. Written by Horatio Priese

Starring Lorna McGeist, Solomon Yurl, Gertrude Partridge

This forgotten drive-in film is a surprisingly sensitive tale of a repressed young woman who is cursed by her strict Catholic mother to turn into a tarantula whenever she’s sexually aroused. Unfortunately for the town of Spokane, the young woman has clinical nymphomania. Plenty of nudity, unfortunately not all of it is desirable; one scene shows us former silent film star Gertrude Partridge (playing the mother) in an latex nun costume. And that’s why drive-ins died.

Watch out for – The trip to the Doctor, where our hero is diagnosed with “Hysterical Wantonalism”.

Quote – “Hey baby, you need to shave those legs…all EIGHT OF THEM. Blargh.”

Reviewed by R.P. Thunderdunk

Mysterious Smiling Woman - **

Her lips are like fire

2007, France, Colour, 101 minutes

Written and directed by Juliette Karolin

Starring K le Simone

Ever kissed a woman with lips that burn? Me either, and nor do many in this film. Why is this important? Well the director is making a statement that women shouldn't be viewed on screen purely for their sex appeal, so right at the start of the film a couple of men get bad facial burns and then we start with the real story. This is something about a politician that wants to outlaw child labour or something, and has a lot of trouble doing so.

Things to watch – Inexplicable English language title, given the strength of feeling from the director. The DVD release cover of what appears to be a model kissing a rose with a thorn piercing her lip suggests that perhaps it was deliberate. Colour me confused.

Reviewed by Juan Incognito

Lifemare - **

You don't live a lifemare, it lives you

1986, USA, Black & White, 127 minutes

Written and directed by Peter Haste

Starring Peter Haste, Bob, McScruff

Art school student Peter Haste made this unique, dreamlike film about a daymare that he can't fall asleep from. Frightening over-exposed imagery and a discordant Casio score add a feeling of paranoia and bafflement to what was already disorienting and nonsensical. Naturally, Lifemare's biggest fans are the noisy ranks of art school students who shamelessly try to replicate it. These attempts are doomed to failure because of this foolish demographic's sneering disregard for the highlight of the film; Haste's dog, McScruff, who is living a parallel lifemare where cats are as big as houses and dog biscuits turn into spiders and climb into his brain.

Watch out for – the director's cut; which runs 212 minutes and includes the discarded Ghost Garden subplot.

Quote – "Reality's knocking on the door of my mind, but it's locked and I don't know who has the key. Maybe the Duke of the Wasteland? McScruff, shall we go and visit him?"

Reviewed by R.P.Thunderdunk

Jet Squadron Shooting - *

This film is everything Top Gun promised to deliver but failed

1992, USA, Colour, 97 minutes

Directed by Captain Jim Block (USAAF ret.)

Written by and starring the 3rd Sqdrn. Nevada Air National Guard, East Las Vegas

Ever seen a film that you thought you could do a better job of and you managed to convince a bunch of friends you really could? Well this is pretty much what happened here with what was described as a "more real Top Gun", sadly it is never as easy as it looks, and while we can all agree this film is more realistic, no one will ever find real time air combat interesting. Not when it involves so many dammed pre flight checks.

Great line – "You know when the fuel monitor beeps twice it is time to return home.” (Actually this isn't as great as I remember, perhaps delivery makes a difference?)

Reviewed by Juan Incognito